scatterbrainededness

yo!

happy almost friday!! WOOT.

so wow, we're 15 days into NaBloPoMo.  i am ON FIRE. LOL!  it really hasnt been too hard for me to come up with junk to yack about.  altho i do have to admit the last few days have been a little harder, cause i've had a lot of stuff on my mind and i couldnt make up my mind what to blog about!  OHhhh the agonies of life!! ;)

like right now, im sitting here playing with my retro-plastic-rainbow slinky. *slink-clunk. slink-clunk*  listening to Orleans groovin on satellite radio.  doot doot doot, dance with meeee.  and watching my perpetually hungry cat, cadet, eye me, waiting for me to get up so he can run meeeeoorrrwwwing to the kitchen even tho he just ate. 

distractions, distractions!  

OKAY. well i'll settle on something that kinda got me ta thinkin today.  i know, you're saying "OH YAY. here she goes again, another rambling novel!"  of course you know that's always possible ;)  don't act so shocked! LOL!

today i was reading over at Beenzzz's.  her post today made me rethink (for oh...prolly the 100th time at least!) my obsession with food, nutrition, losing weight, and health.   

i am frustrated.  plateaued.  inconsistent.  not to mention too often emotional and ticked at myself. 

i have been trying SO HARD in the last year to lose 10% of my body weight.  i started at 220 last christmas, and have gotten as low as 201.  my goal was 198.  GOSHDANGIT how come i just CANT seem to get under that freakin 200 mark!!??!?!  i was doin so awesome for a while, and then all summer i fluctuated between 201 and 206ish.  what in the heck!?!?

im starting to wear down now.  let me reiterate that i am not obsessing about "being skinny."  i am 5'3", and weighing over 200lb is NOT healthy.  i have ankle issues, sometimes achy knees, i get tired of getting winded or having my gut rolls in the way or using my boobs as a shelf for my dinner plate.  SORRY for the visuals, but this is life as a BIG GIRL.  its hard some days, harder than you know. 

i NEED to lose weight because i have endometriosis.  there's more than one good reason to get rid of some of that extra fat im carrying around.  less fat = less estrogen = less endometriosis = less pain.  simple as that! (well not really, but i'll spare you the details for now.) 

im beginning to wonder if i need to switch my focus.  Beenzzz's post reminded me about how so stinkin confusing it is these days to choose a path to health and wellness. there are SO many opinions, plans and diets out there.  one minute something is good for ya, and the next it contributes to ill health.  and of course all these sources are professional and proven.  yeah, right.  can deprivation and self-denial really contribute to holistic health?  I DONT KNOW!

are they just trying to make money or are they truly healthy and legit?

is something that's right for one person right for me, too?

is it wrong to just want to go with my gut feeling? 

HOW MANY FREAKIN OPINIONS and PLANS and BOOKS and DIETS and OPTIONS do i need to find THE REAL ANSWERS??

guh, i could go on and on.  i realize i have a problem...it's my nature to keep searching and searching and reading and educating myself and reasoning and weighing this opinion against this one...and ultimately, i will never find the REAL ANSWER cause there is no real answer!  and so the cycle goes...

(LOL. man i am SO rambling.)

(((SIGH))) (turns off the radio.)

okay anyhoo.  when it all comes down to it, i honestly believe that what we eat determines how healthy we are holistically.  yes, cause when we eat well, we feel happy mentally too.  then usually we dont feel like sitting on our tuchases all day long and zoning out in front of the tv or puter.  then we usually spend more time with the people we love more often, so we're happier in our relationships...see where i'm going with this?

of course that's obviously not the ONLY path to being healthy.  there's other things to factor in as well, like spirituality and addressing special health issues (like pain in my case, so i can feel physically able to do the things i need to do). 

why do i want so badly to be more healthy?  because i still want to try and have children, without using artificial means.  because i want to have a great quality life and do a lot of things i have planned for myself.  because i dont want to die like i've seen many of my family members suffer and die.  because i want to make all of my husband's dreams come true.  because i am so TICKED at the world for screwing up our food, our land, our air, and every thing else...

...and i know i am still wearing that long, red cape when it comes to these issues...and that hopeful, positive, i-want-it-oh-so-badly, innocent kid part of me thinks that i can somehow figure out a way to beat it all.

AAARRRGHHHHHH!!!  i think i need help.  professional help! LOL!!! ;)  is this your area of expertise, i dont know? LOLOL!

...so what's my point here?

i dont know. (no, not the girl, but really, i dont know. hehe!!)  LOL.  hey, this is just scatterbraindedness.  but its stuff i think about a lot, and its all so interconnected that sometimes i just have a hard time separating it all out into logical conversations.     

im gonna go make some kombucha.

~jos~