this last year i've struggled with so many doubts...doubts about my faith and what i believe, who i really am deep down inside, and why things in my life have happened the way they have. and even what my purpose on this earth truly is.
i suppose we all have times like this in our lives. but out of all the people in my world, i feel like im the only one spinning, doubting, confusing, questioning and that i make a big deal out of nothing a lot of the time. people just live and accept things the way they are. right now, i just cant do that. i feel like a little kid with a million questions that no one wants to answer and i'm searching fruitlessly, naively, and afraid of misunderstanding.
today i was driving around running errands and i had some pain in my side. its the same pain i've had off and on since my endometriosis presented itself in a real, physical way a little over a year ago.
at the same time i was having the pain today, i was thinking of a person who used to be my best friend. i've known her since i was 4. we grew up down the road from each other, hung out in high school, were college roommates, and even married brothers. then, she chose to end our friendship when a divorce separated me and my husband.
(for now, i'm holding back the whole story...however, please do not let my brief and detailless depiction of her departure from my life persuade you to feel ill thoughts about her.)
at having those thoughts, suddenly i felt this heavy cloak of grief over me, and the pain in my side pulsated. i felt my heart racing and i felt nauseous. i kept thinking of how i miss her, and how i miss so many of the people that used to be a part of my life, but that i had to leave behind.
then something in my head clicked--remember when i told you about my appointment at the holistic wellness center a few weeks back? one of the emotions that was attached to my particular imbalances was grief and/or loss. i didnt mention it in that post because at the time i didnt think it applied to me.
but today, it became very clear to me how real the connection is between emotions and our physiology...i mean, very very real...
only at that moment did i realize what grief and loss i have stuffed so far down...far far away from my heart, trying to pretend that it would just dissolve over time or that it didnt even exist at all.
instead it has grown heavier, and i can literally feel it. right now.
before you begin to think that i am unhappy with my life--please know that's not true. i'm blessed beyond belief, and i know everything i've gone through in my life was supposed to happen for me to experience the true joy and happiness i have today. much of it doesnt seem fair sometimes, but underneath this nagging grief and loss is the most grateful heart.
but i also need to let go of the past. i have clung so tightly to the hope that maybe i'll get my best friend back. that one day she'll call unexpectedly and we'll cry and cry and then laugh and share old times. and somehow we'll be a part of each others' lives again. and i could see her two daughters and love them and hug and kiss them and listen to them giggle and play.
but God is telling me, right now--as i type this--that it's time to move on.
no, God, please no...
that sometimes people are in our lives for a season, and when it is over we cannot disrupt His will...and when we do, we experience pain, loss and grief because of our lack of understanding.
i hear you God; i am trying to obey. but its so hard God, its so hard!! why do i feel so lonely? how come it has to hurt this badly? and why would she be a part of my life for SO LONG for nothing? i hope one day you can help me see your purpose.
i know i have been fighting giving it over to you for a very long time. and it is clear to me right at this very moment that i never really believed you forgave me for my mistakes and i have clutched onto the hope that if we reconciled that you'd really forgive me. i have been so lost.
please God, wipe away my tears and soothe this hole in my heart. i am so tired of crying and hurting.
letting her go is like hearing her say goodbye again.
whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say
it is well, it is well with my soul.
amen.
I read your post and could identify with all those feelings.
ReplyDeleteI had a good friend back when I was in high school... we were with each other nearly every day. On weekends, we would often do things together. We didn't date but were extraordinarily close.
Michelle died in a car accident when I was away at college and no one told me. In fact, I was told in a rather matter-of-fact way that Michelle had died. I missed the funeral. I missed the grieving.
That was years ago.
One day a short time ago, I was driving in my car and a song came on the radio that Michelle used to sing to me jokingly (of all things, Three Dog Night's, "Joy to the World"). The grief of losing her swept over me... you described it as a cloak. yes. that's it. There I was in my car listening to Joy to the World , crying for my lost friend.
I also wanted to comment on your opening paragraph about questioning. I know that, too. But I have come to believe that questioning is a good thing because when we stop questioning, we also stop thinking.
Don't fear questions. God understands them and He can withstand them.
I am a pastor and I find that my questions... even questions about something as basic as God's existence... turn me back to the basics and end up making my faith stronger and (hopefully) wiser.
Just be sure you look for answers in the right places.
steve
steve,
ReplyDeletehow horrible and helpless you must have felt knowing you missed her funeral. i am so sorry. i hope when you heard "her song" you also somehow found comfort and closure; it's awesome to think God was there with you--in your car, listening to Three Dog Night! thank you so much for sharing your story.
i also appreciate your insight and encouragement about my story. last night was a rough night for me. i went to bed after posting that and had already been crying, then i cried some more and talked to my hubby about it all. then i prayed until i fell asleep. i just kept thanking God for bringing me to this point and asked him to help me do what he wants. i feel a lot better today--a little "lighter," if i may.
about the questioning--in the last 2 years especially, i have had so many doubts in my mind of the validity of the Bible and if Christianity really is "the way." it scares me so badly! i keep telling myself, just shut your mind up and believe! LOL. this is always what i have believed, and now somehow i am letting these thoughts creep in that say its just another religion mankind has made up. i am not being swayed by another religion, but i know Satan has a grip on me because i have been wavering. it seems the times i become the most close to God (like now), he works even harder to pull me back. and this is so hard, because i am weary and teetering anyway.
thanks again for stopping in. it's always a blessing to have someone else's point of view to help put things in perspective!! i really do appreciate it.
wow...you are so brave to share these personal emotions with the whole world. wow. seems like grief is a real part of life that many people fo faith are not willing to talk about, or are simply not equipped to deal with. also questions -- i have always defined myself by the questions, and pretty much have given up on getting the answers. i don't think my little brain could process then anyway! so keep asking the questions, keep feeling the feelings, and keep trusting in Him -- He is always faithful, no matter what.
ReplyDeleteNice to meet you in the blogosphere, btw!
Hi Josey,
ReplyDeleteWe never stop grieving for the loss of someone we hold dear, even if that person is still alive. You have keen insight into your emotions, yet we must not only think about things, we must feel them too. Thought and feeling very often do not agree with each other, and then we feel pain. I feel for you, and I appreciate your willingness to share such deep, personal accounts of some very difficult times. You are a very descriptive writer, Josey, one who can tell a story and convey emotions. Use your talents to work through these feelings as you have done here. It is therapy, like the holistic wellness center where you do not need medication, just pure, well applied healing. Keep the faith, and keep writing.
I wish you a very happy Thanksgiving, Josey. -Mike
hi roann, i realized this morning after i read over this post that it really was a pretty serious chunk of emotions i spewed out from my fingers and soul. i was so wrapped up in my heartbreak and just needed to get it out, and writing it in some way, shape or form always helps me see more clearly. we all have our ways of coping with life i suppose!
ReplyDeletethanks so much for stopping by and for the encouragement! oh, and nice to meet you, too. hehe :)
mike, you are just too kind to me! no one in my life has ever encouraged me to write...yet i have always fallen back on it as a way to express myself. but here you are, a complete stranger, telling me i have a talent. that means more to me than you realize!
ReplyDeleteseveral of the posts i've written lately (and will probably continue to write...lol...) have definitely been part of my healing process. lots of STUFF has been coming to the surface lately, for countless reasons. normally i'd put them aside and take a little pain of the reminder of the issue; but ive chosen to burn the bridges between thoughts and feelings and forced myself to find the true reasons for my burdens. it has been indescribably painful and at the same time rejuvenating. its quite strange!
thank you for commenting, and i have to say i feel very honored you are a guest of mine and interested in what i have to say. thank you so much! happy thanksgiving to you, too :)
Hi Josey, I am sorry to hear about your loss. It's not easy letting go of a friend you considered your best friend.
ReplyDeleteI hope God hears you. But I also hope that he knows best by maybe not reconciling you too know the pain you're going through. Maybe because God know her and he knows she's not ready.
Whatever the case is, I'm sure he hears you. He loves you and doesn't want to see you in any more pain.
rolando, thank you for your condolences. you're right, God knows what is best for us. sometimes we can't see or understand the reasons, but we have to trust that his plan is best. that's what real faith is all about. once we come to accept that, we can let go of the pain and truly start to heal. it's amazing how much less burdened i feel as compared to a few days ago when i wrote this. God is so good!
ReplyDeletethanks again for your comforting, rolando, it means so much to have people who genuinely care.
Hey Josey, sometimes it just takes fresh eyes. Plus God put me in your path, so I have no choice but to tell you what he said, lol.
ReplyDelete