see ya, ebenezer!

 

the last several years i've found myself really dreading the holidays, especially christmas. it's all i can do to choke through thanksgiving knowing that "black friday" is looming. i've felt like a scrooge--dont wanna put up lights or the tree or any decorations, HATE shopping, sooo sick of christmas everything (including christmas music!) coming out wayyy before thanksgiving.  my goodness i dont even want to watch my fave old christmas cartoons--the grinch and rudolph!  :-O  i could go on and on!!

to be right up front--i've just gotten sick of the shallow commercialism. that's it in a nutshell, but its way more complicated than that.

we all celebrate christmas for different reasons, in different ways. for some, its shopping and finding that perfect gift for a loved one that was a great bargain!! woot! feels good to save money and still get a special gift. for others, its traveling and seeing family or friends you only get to see once a year and having a christmas feast like no other. some people get really into all the decorating--stuff in the yard, multiple trees in the house, greenery and poinsettias in every room! and others call it the birthday of their Savior, Jesus.

there's absolutely nothing wrong with any of those reasons. but when you yourself feel empty, like that spark of wonder, excitement and joy of the season is gone, then you begin to contemplate in your scrooged-up brain--what is the meaning of christmas to me?? what is the POINT?? do i really even care?

well at least that's how i'm feeling.

every scrooge has a reason to NOT enjoy celebrating christmas--painful reminders of lost loved ones or sour relationships, the stress of all the hustle and bustle, dreading weight gain and stressing about our diets, not enough money to spend (or spending too much), overloaded at work, running the kids around for this and that, and just plain ole burn-out...blahblahblah. 

so, i've decided this year i will be a scrooge no more! with all the negativity i've drummed up for myself in 2007 surrounding my endometriosis, feeling physically terrible, being emotionally whacked out, and struggling with my weight i definitely need to end this year on a positive note.

plus, i miss the cheery, bubbly, silly-go-lucky old me. where'd she go?

now dont get me wrong, finding a reason to be cheery and festive--especially this year--is like pulling teeth for me! i just wanna be grumbly and hermity and get by doing the least possible. but truthfully, deep down, i WANT to be happy this christmas.  i'm not looking for a polly-anna holiday, but i secretly want to get lost in the warmfuzzy feelings of season.

but i want to do it for the right reasons. MY right reasons.

so i said to myself, "self, what are your RIGHT reasons for celebrating christmas?" and my self said:

1. to celebrate Jesus' birth
2. to do something for those in need
   
3. to spend time with my family
   

okay, well that was easy. so why do i still feel like little miss crabby butt?

well first, its because i'm still not going to church. i've been lazy and picky and we just havent found one to stick with. now, i've said before that i dont believe going to church is gonna get me to heaven! i think its good to look at it as a maintenance thing--you know, like when you wake up in the morning and your bad breath reminds you to brush your teeth. LOL! kinda the same thing, ya know? ;)

i miss being surrounded by stories of Jesus' birth, the little kids singing Silent Night, the skits and the christmas eve services. since i am currently not a part of a church family, now i'm lacking in the spiritual meaningfulness department of the season.  (i'm sparing you pages and pages of writing about this spiritual stuff.  hehe.  for now.)

second, most of us focus on giving an overabundance of special, thoughtful gifts to our friends and family. while i DO enjoy giving, i DONT enjoy seeing my gift tossed in a pile and probably being forgotten by new years. and i hate the fact that i cant even remember who got me what last year--obviously i'm getting more gifts than i need or deserve! and what about the kids and their heaps of toys that have to be put away and rotated because they have so many?? i wont even go there...

when i was in college, each year our floor in the dorm gathered together and gave food, clothes, and toys through a local organization that supported families that were truly in need.  i will never forget the tingly feeling of pure joy that permeated my heart as we bought, wrapped and delivered the care packages.  ahhh, how i miss that feeling!!!  it made me cry to know those people knew they could never repay our kindness tangibly.  but i know they paid it forward in love and gratefulness, which to me is the stuff that changes the world.  simple human kindness.  

and lastly (but not leastly! LOL), time with my side of the family has just gotten stale.  its nothing they do wrong--its my expectations and selfish childishness that ruins it for me.  this is very hard for me to admit.  my family is not perfect (whose is? hehe).  we dont have the "all american" ideal holiday with special traditions, lavish gifts, cheesey smiles and turtle-neck sweaters.  not that that's what i want!  but sometimes i long for more meaning than pigging out and wasting a lot of wrapping paper, ya know?

see, here's my quintessential problem.  in my scroogy brain, i'm thinking about how this certain family member always says this, and that certain family member always expects that, and how we all need to do this, and why cant we just learn to do that...so, while all that's going on on the inside, my outside is like "HUH?"  and there's no connection to any good vibes that might be floating around.  i'm too busy building the wall!!  there's no osmosis whatsoever. LOL.  just me, being there, thinking too much, eating loads to ease the frustration, walking around like a robot...

so i need to re-tie the ties that bind.  what would that take for me?  well, knowing we all get along--that's a PLUS.  my family actually WANTS to see me, i am lucky!  okay well what about deeper stuff...the binding stuff...hmmmm...

my parents are proud of me even tho they dont say it and i need to hear it (because well that's something im working on).  my sister loves me and looks up to me cause im her big sister (and we are stinkin funny together. LOL!).  my niece and nephew think i'm a cool aunt and enjoy spending time with me, and hopefully i am a good role model.

WHOA. WAIT.  why is this all of the sudden about me?  why is it necessary for ME to be stroked and put on a pedestal in order to enjoy time with my family??

GAH!  another revelation.  boy, this post is never gonna end ;) teehee.  i'll think on this and elaborate at a later time.

for now, hmmm well...i think ive helped myself understand what i need to do to de-scrooge.  in keeping with my love of list-making, before the end of the year, i'm going to:

1. start going to church and attend a christmas eve service
2. give my finances AND time to a local charity
3. SHOW my family WHY i love them so much, not just how much...this isnt about me.

so, maybe this list may seem a bit scanty and without deep thought, but its not.  ive gotta start somewhere, right?  i want to be happy and spread a positive, loving attitude this holiday...and i want it to last. :)  baby steps!

if you're struggling with this, too, i encourage you to take a look inside yourself.  think about it--do you realllly wanna drown your pathetic sorrow in that miserable attitude?  its not that things will be perfect this year if you do--or next year, or the next.  maybe you need some time to heal.  or, maybe you just need to take some immediate action--like getting back into the REAL world, away from work and maybe even the virtual world.  i know this all too well. 

and dangit, if i'm gonna work on it someone else has to, too. hehe. ;)  cause the world sure as heck doesnt need any more scrooges.  we can do a lot for this world by changing jussstttt a little.

spiritual meaningfulness.  human kindness.  the ties that bind. 

*happy relieved but-i-still-need-to-think-about-this sigh* 

~josey~