love the mother in yourself

Some women feel emotionally down around Mother's Day--not necessarily because their mothers have passed, but because they themselves are not able to have children for one reason or another.  It is so hard to see those women hurting; what does one say? Anything at all?

I myself am not a mother (in one sense of the word)--I have no children of my own.  Yes, I have my pangs of grief because I haven't been able to conceive.  Other options just haven't seemed to fit, so I've passed through my 20s and 30s sometimes wondering what the rest of my life will be like without being a "mom".  The questions come up--who have I disappointed?  Will I be lonely?  Has my life been wasted?  Over time, those questions can become very heavy burdens. :(

In my darkest times, I had someone reach out to me and it was the turning point for my healing.  I feel like this is a tricky subject because we all have certain deep-seated needs in our lives.  I don't want to sound unkind or not compassionate.  But this person reminded me that just like anything else in life, we have a choice.  We may not be able to change the situation, but we can choose how we live around it.  Sounds like common sense--but in the midst of pain and grief it's not that easy!  I seriously empathize...it's freaking hard. lol. Especially with this issue that is so emotionally charged.  You're constantly comparing yourself, the worth of your life's purpose.  Sometimes it even feels easier to just play the victim and feel sorry for yourself.

Personally, the hardest times for me were when I had an ectopic pregnancy and then a miscarriage later that year.  I can't even begin to describe the physical pain, the grief, and then the emotional numbness.  It took months to heal physically and emotionally, but it did happen.  If you are struggling, know that you CAN move beyond this. <3 Surround yourself with people who support and comfort you, but won't let you wallow too long ;)  I know it's especially difficult for some--and my heart goes out to you <3  But still, when it's all said and done, you deserve to feel truly happy and at peace.  And it's a choice.

In my healing (that is still happening!), I've come to embrace that maybe in this lifetime my purpose is to love my nieces, nephews and friend's children as if they were my own...to nurture and befriend my beloved animal companions...and to throw all my passion and love into a career I never thought I'd end up doing :)  I've been grateful to be able to fill that void with other things that truly make my heart sing.  No, I'm not denying that little twinge that wonders what I'm missing out on, that wishes I had my own little person to goof off with, kiss, hug, and raise to be the kind of adult this world needs. But I can't--and won't--let that define me in a negative light.  And I won't secretly be hurt that other women are having babies.  I started down that road at one point, and I'm so glad I was able to find my way back before I was long gone.  What a waste it would be if I squandered all the love I have to give by letting it fizzle out in my own self-pity.  Or even worse--hanging onto it inside while smiling on the outside, letting it eat away at me over the years.  At some point, in order to grow and receive all of life's abundance, we HAVE to let go of those things that bring us fear and pain. Sometimes it's slowly and in layers, and that's okay.  We have to stop comparing and know that each life has a purpose, and they aren't all the same.

You know how people are always saying, "Connect with and love your inner child!"  Well, I say the childless women need to "Love the mother in themselves."  We need to nurture that motherly instinct that then nurtures the world <3 The world needs so much of it, and not just from mother to child. From adult to adult, human to animal. The list could go on.

So to all the women out there who aren't "moms"...who are having a hard time around Mother's Day...don't lament.  Or at least, not for too long. <3  Pick yourself up and take a deep breath.  Reach out to someone who understands and resolve to find meaning in your life.  Know that your pain is valid, yet think about how you can start to turn things around right now.  It's not a loss unless you choose to make it so.  You are not less of a woman if you don't have children; you simply have another path to forge and different people and situations that need your love and expertise.  We can even give more to those moms in our lives who need extra support!

But for now, in this moment and until life takes another turn, I encourage you to embrace freely giving our nurturing, compassionate "mom hearts" to all those around us in our daily lives.  And for those who have loved ones struggling with this, just love her. Love her for her big heart and all the good she shares, and all the love she has the potential to give.

It's all about love; we all have it to give and we all certainly need it <3  I would love to connect with anyone who needs a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on <3

xoxoxo,
~josey~

what's the battle really about?

hey, friends :)

just some thoughts that have come to mind...

i want to extend my support and love to anyone struggling with being "overweight".
((( <3 )))

no amount of dieting, exercising, puking, training, being bullied, pill-taking, food-demonizing, shaming yourself or following a fancy plan will get you what you are seeking. 

sure, you might lose weight doing some or all of those things.  but is the weight what this is all really about?  REALLY.

peel back the layers until you get to the REAL emotions that drive your desires.  c'mon, be honest with yourself.  and if you think you know what they are, think again. go a little deeper.

embrace those feelings.  is it fear?  unworthiness?  feeling old?  slow?  like a failure?  ugly?  you fill in the blanks.  cry it out, punch your pillow, sing those sad songs.  know that it may even take you months or more to get past these growing pains. it did for me.

what are the desires?  do you want to be healthier so you can better take care of your family?  do you want to get off some prescriptions?  do you want to be able to bend over and tie your shoes without feeling out of breath?  again, you fill in the blanks.  actually, write them down.

so now that you are aware of these things, how about forgiving yourself for being so unfair to your body, mind, and spirit?  can't you see that you are beautiful, worthy and perfect just as you are right now--just the same as you would be at any other weight, whether it be more or less?  i know, easier said than done, but until you accept yourself in a positive way you will continue this cycle indefinitely...  you'll need to be proactive and find the tools that work for you so you can slowly retrain your heart and mind that these things are true.

have you ever looked into your own eyes in the mirror and said, "i love you. i forgive you. you are perfect." ?  i challenge you try it--i can't even begin to explain the emotions that will come to the surface.

over time (and probably a LONG time...), as your body and spirit relax and recover from all the pressure you've put on it, from all the negative self-talk with which you've been filling it, you will slowly start to heal.

then you'll notice that suddenly all the "rules" of how to get healthy mean less to you and you start to listen to that voice inside...yep, your gut...literally and metaphorically! :)  *ding ding ding ding!!*

next, all the things you thought were so important--the calories, the "good" and "bad" food, the equipment, the exercises, the books, the shakes, the pills, the videos, the gurus--will fade away.  you will only keep in your heart what is truly right for you and your resolve to follow that will become stronger and easier.  it will start to seem so obvious!

at this point, you may find yourself falling back into your old patterns of beating yourself up for not realizing things that seemed so common sense.  you know what? if you take a step back, that's okay.  simmer on it for a while. however long you need to. but then move on and pat yourself on the back for taking it for what it was and use it as fuel to keep going!

the next thing you know, you're moving a little bit here and there whenever the spirit moves you makes you feel inspired. there's no workout schedule, no special exercises. you just move how you want to, for as long as you want to--dancing to your favorite song while you play with your kids or clean the house, taking a mosey down the road, stretching for a few minutes because it feels awesome after a stressful day at work.

you're finding that you can eat what you used to consider "bad" foods in smaller amounts and you don't feel guilty at all.  you're finding that those stinky green veggies you used to hate are suddenly tasting kinda good ;) (okay, that one took a while for me. LOL.)  you go out with friends and family and enjoy yourself, the company and the meal--whatever it may be.  you also notice your cabinets and fridge have less packaged foods and more colorful foods.  WTH?? you're cooking, too!!  how did this happen?? :)

you let go.  you stopped trying so hard and started being kind to yourself.  you stopped measuring "success" by someone else's standards.  you're slowing down.  you realized that what took years to create will also take years to recreate :)  i dont say undo--because you will find you have learned so much about yourself, and it will be a good thing!  you'd never want to undo that.  you're transforming, growing, blossoming! pat yourself on the back and get ready for the next leg of the journey!!

soooo...this is what is happening in my world right now.  actually just a teensy bit of what's happening, but i'll spare you the details--for now ;)  it sounds a little dreamy, but this has been my process.

i am FAT by the world's standards.  it's weird, because in my mind i dont see me as fat. i'm still me, and honestly i do like me.  but i've been shamed, by others and eventually by myself in my own mind over and over.  it's been extremely painful.  it's ruined relationships that i've grieved over for years.  i'm not saying this for anyone's sympathies or approval; but instead to reach out to those who have been in the darkness of despair because of being overweight and all the damage we cause ourselves because of it.

it's a crazy world out there with all the opinions, some from seemingly well-intentioned and educated friends, gurus and such.  but we can't blame them; only WE can take responsibility for our choices and outcomes.  most of us need to go through the gamut and try it all (without success) before we realize what we needed we had all along, we just had to remember how to do it...

TRUST. in OURSELVES.

i am finding it's not about losing weight anymore. i could care less about what the scale says.  i am finding ME, and in the process of learning to love myself again, i know that vitality and a healthy weight will just happen on its own as the healing continues. truly, they are just bonuses outside all of the blessings i'm starting to experience and the gratitude that's becoming easier to recognize.  of course there will be bumps in the road, but i welcome them with an open mind and knowing that i have come so far already, there's no way in heck i'm going back!

sending out much love to all who are in the same boat!  you are not alone!! <3  reach out to others, even in the midst of your own struggles.  we all deserve unconditional encouragement, love, compassion and a shoulder to cry on.

xoxo,
~josey~

*crinkle*crinkle*scoop*

hola! =)

i'm a couple days late for this...but i was fondly reminiscing my trick-or-treating days and remembered this little semi-non-fiction story i wrote back in 2007.  unless you know my family well, you may not get *all* of the little nuances of the story, but anyone who was of trick-or-treating age back in the early 80s--AND had siblings who were your partners in crime--will probably identify with the thrill of this Halloween candy adventure! (that is, if you pretend you're 8 years old again!)

so, what do i mean by semi-non-fiction?  ;)  well, this IS a true story.  and i do remember most of the real details!  however, i was only 8 at the time, and that was 31 years ago. hehe.  so, to make it more enjoyable to read, i embellished a bit, mostly on the dialogue.  trust me though, it's probably not far from what was really said ;) lol.

i'm sure many of you who have children now have plenty of stories to rival this one!  i'd love to hear them!!

enjoy...and happy autumn!
<3,
~jos~
aka the candy thief ;)

crinkle crinkle scoop

it was the fall of 1982.  the damp air lingered of the familiar smell of crunched, wet leaves and they kept sticking to my pointy boots.  it was so dark we could barely see the houses outside of town until we pulled in the driveways.  the plastic mask on my face smelled weird but i liked it.  i just needed to stop licking my lips because they were getting chapped and i hated that chapstick crap mom made me use.

rex and annie gave us apples again this year.  well foo.  i guess that's okay, at least that's one thing dad won't eat!  papaw gave us an apple, too, but mamaw of course threw in lots of candy.  its so cool she puts them in the special little bags.  and she remembered i love baby ruth!

my bucket was getting pretty heavy and we were headed home.  cyb wanted to trade, and mom hollered at us one last time that there was no trading and it was all going in one big bowl when we got home.  the BIG ORANGE bowl. 

that's really the only time i remember seeing that bowl, during halloween.  it was plastic, thick and kinda like melmac only not shiny.  it was pretty dang scratched up, too.  i bet it used to be mamaw's or something.  anyway, i dont know what it was really made of, but seeing that bowl was ALWAYS a good thing. 

i thought it was dumb we couldnt just eat however much candy we wanted to that night.  we tried to sneak a few pieces in the car, but i SWEAR mom has radar in the back of her head!!  as soon as she heard one little candy wrapper crinkle, we'd see her laser eyes in the rearview mirrow.  geeeeezzz.  it didnt help that cybil wasn't a good sneaker.  i guess she couldnt help it she was only 3 and not experienced and as wily as me yet. 

maybe when im a mom i'll have that radar, too.  that would be cool to bust my kids when they're doing something REALLY bad.  cause eating candy is not a crime, ya know!

so we got home and my dad instantly starts pilfering through our hard-earned bounty.  cybil began to wail and her vampire fangs fell out of her mouth onto the floor.  i picked them up to put them on the table--ewww, slobber bubbles and red lipstick!  i sighed and went to the bathroom to change out of my witch's garb.  the green goopy makeup on my face was really starting to itch, too.

mom let us each pick a few pieces of candy and said after bathtime we'd need to head on up to bed.  which was good, cause my 8-year-old body was achy from all that hunching over all night like an old hag! 

once we were in tucked in, i heard cyb sniffling in her bed.  (we shared a room.)  dad yelled up the stairs and said she better stop crying or he'll give her something to cry about.  i whispered over to her, "what's wrong? does your leg itch again?"

she got to wear a walking cast because of her club foot surgery.  when her leg itched she needed it scratched NOW.  we usually used the handle of a flyswatter, cause it was the only thing thin enough to fit into the cast. 

“jos, i…”  she started to talk in that "im-getting-ready-to-weep-really-loudly" voice and i shhhhhhushed her and said, "just tell me quietly!"

"jos, i want some more candy.  daddy's gonna eat it all!  its MINE!!"

"yeah, i want some more, too.  but we gotta do what mom says or we wont get anymore at all."  of course i said this in all big sisterly authority, but deep down i felt the same as her.

CLICK.  then a bright light shone from the middle of our bedroom floor.  sccrrrrape--crinklecrinkle--clunk.  there was an air vent that went straight through the floor of our room into the kitchen.  you could see the top of the fridge and the counter and some of the floor.

and the BIG ORANGE bowl.  full of candy.  on TOP of the fridge.  

sccrrrape--crinklecrinkle--clunk.  i peeked over and saw dad putting the BIG ORANGE bowl back on top of the fridge.  cyb started to whimper.

"see, i told you he'd eat it all!"

"girls, GO TO SLEEP!"  dad yelled up at the kitchen ceiling.  man, did dad have the mom radar, too??

i put my finger to my lip.  CLICK.  we sat in the darkness as dad left the kitchen.

a few minutes passed as we pouted.

"hey cyb, wanna steal some candy?"

"but won't daddy and mommy see us when we walk past??"

i smirked and leaned over and pointed to the air vent.  she giggled and giggled and so did i.  a major event in our life history was about to take place.

we could hear dad and mom's laughter filtering up the stairway along with tv noise, so we knew the coast was clear. 

the first obstacle was getting out of bed without them hearing.  our floors were creaky and old and cyb's cast would probably clunk.  we waited until dad busted a gut again and then quickly shuffled to the vent.  we waited and listened.  no movement downstairs.  success!

whew.  now removing the vent cover.  it was one of those really heavy, metal covers that looks like a grid and was about 12 inches by 12 inches.  luckily, it wasnt screwed to the floor.  we saw dad take it off before so we knew it would be a piece of cake!  well, we hoped.  

as i was wriggling the cover with only a second to go, the kitchen light CLICKed back on!  AACCKK! :-O  dad was getting more candy!!  :-O :-O  cyb and i froze and i prayed in my head, "please God, dont let dad look up!  i swear i'll leave him some candy!  and please God, don't let cybil make any noise and ruin it all!"
  
sccrrrrape--crinklecrinkle--clunk.  i heard dad mumble and sort through the handful of candy he'd grabbed, then throw a few empty wrappers back in the bowl.  geez!! hurry up already.  the vent cover was digging into the fleshy parts of my fingers.  it hurt sooo bad, but i knew i couldnt budge or we'd end up getting the beatings of our lives.

after what seemed like years, he finally left.  CLICK.  my feet had fallen asleep because i was on my knees the the whole time, sitting back on my feet.  cybil grabbed the vent to help me and it made a loud scratching noise.  my mouth flew open with no sound coming out for a second, then a firm KKCCcccKKKK cause i knew mom's radar wouldnt miss that one!

we heard her annoyingly say from the living room, "john, i think that damn mouse is in the ceiling again.  did you hear that??"  

"hmmm, i didnt hear anything."  Crinklecrinkle.  munchmunch.  "i'll set a few more traps in the morning."

i glared at cyb, tho i doubt she could see my ticked-off-edness in the dark.  "let me do the grown up work, okay?  if you want the candy then let me be the boss."

"okay."  she rolled her little toddler eyes.  grrrrr.

i painstakingly pulled the vent the rest of the way out and set it off to the side.  i felt the blood rush back into my fingertips and they felt hot.  owwww.  now the vent opening seemed like this huge, vast vortex or black hole in space or something.  and there was candy at the center of it.  

looking back now, had inspector gadget made his debut i'm sure i'd have wished i had go-go-gadget arms.  cause dangit, my arm wasnt long enough to reach through the vent opening and grab some candy.  im also sure that had macgyver been around in 1982 we would have felt pretty dang cool and macgyver-like creating the contraption we ended up makin to get some'a that candy!

"we need something to scoop out the candy, jos.  how about my flyswatter?"

she handed it to me and i stuck it through the hole.  it was definitely long enough!  but not enough scooping action.  

we scoped around our room, our eyes adjusted to the dark by now.  we knew we couldnt get up and walk around or we'd be heard by the parentals.  my closet door was open and something caught my eye.

"how about a hanger?  maybe we can unwind it and hook something to the end as a scoop?"

i motioned to cybil to stay put and i slowly stood up.  CRREEAAAK.  "guh, i hate these floors!" i whispered, feeling a bit of a nervous hot flash.

i waited a second and heard dad's lazy boy foot rest come down.  KERPLUNK.  i sighed.  great, what timing.  he went into the bathroom cause i heard the the door close.  then mom got up and went into the kitchen.

fortunately, this setback only lasted a minute because soon after i heard mom yell to dad, "hurry up!!  its back on!" and she scampered back into the living room.

once we heard the KERPLUNK of the lazy boy again, i slid stealthily over to my closet door.  i have to admit i was pretty good.  maybe i got lucky tho, cause dad was laughing a lot and they didnt hear the creaks.

i grabbed a wire hanger and it was stuck to another.  too late!  i already pulled it and a few other ones chimed and clinked as they fell to the wood floor.  that's it, i know they'll hear that!  i was very close to the stairway and they were sitting just below.

but somehow, by the grace of God above, they didnt.  i shuffled back to the air vent and cybil had found an old dish towel to use as a scoop.

"why is that up here?  that's one of mom's dish rags."
"my baby doll needed a diaper, and this was pink so i took it."
"oh, uh, okay.  please dont tell me it was for Baby Alive??!?"
"uh huh."

grrrr, oh well, it would have to do.  i untwisted the hook and pulled the hanger into a deformed "U" shape and tied the dish rag aka baby alive diaper to the ends of the hanger like a hammock.  kinda.  somehow, this was gonna haveta work.

silently, carefully, we--*I*--lowered the scoop down the air vent.  the rag touched the candy...OOoohhh it touched the candy!!  we squirmed.

at first only dad's discarded wrappers would get into the scoop.  but then i poked one side of the hanger into the bowl to kinda coax a real piece of candy into it.

"HURRY UP, jos, im hungry, jos!"
"shut up!  i'm trying the best i can.  do you want to get caught??  and get your butt beat and never eat candy again?"
"no."  she sighed. "but still hurry up, jos, kay?"

annoyed, i tried to be as quiet as possible, and suddenly, without warning mom yelled up the stairs, "why are you girls still awake?  dont think we cant hear you up there.  GO TO SLEEP!"

we got really scared.  sometimes mom comes up after she yells at us like that just to make sure we do what she says.  i was so frozen, and just yelled back a short, "kayyyy."  i tried my hardest to ventriloquist-ize my voice so it sounded like i was in my bed.

"we'll be quiet now and stop walking around!" cyb followed.  

"cyb!! SHUT UUUP!!" i hissed and tried to keep my voice from echoing down the vent.  fortunately mom must have been distracted by the tv, because she didn’t answer.

this was just taking too long.  i was really about to give up.  getting in heaps of trouble would not be worth a few pieces of candy. but instead i went ahead and tried to scoop again.  amazingly this time, everything fell into place and the candy cooperated.  3 pieces!!  come on up, beauties!! 

cyb grabbed the candy and put it aside.  "can you get one more so we can each have two?" 
"i'll try." 

CLICK.  someone was in the kitchen again.  it must have been mom because i never heard the lazy boy.

OHHhh my gosh, i saw the top of her head.  she was getting in the fridge--miracle whip?

we were frozen, again.  on the brink of being detected by her RADAR.  we waited.
she made her favorite--a mayonnaise sammich.  in the meantime, i was still so afraid the radar would doom us.  i mean, she was only like 4 feet away from us!!  surely she'd hear us breathing or SOMEthing!

she stopped in front of the fridge, paused and looked around.  my chest hurt so bad, i almost cried.

suddenly her eyes came into view as she looked up...

but just at the BIG ORANGE bowl.  
WHEW.  !!!

she started to reach for it and then changed her mind.  she grabbed the mayonnaise sammich from the counter and left the kitchen.  but she didnt turn off the light.

"katy, you left the light on."
"damnit john, i just sat down.  i'll get it next commercial."
 KERPLUNK.  shuffleshuffle.  CLICK.  shuffleshuffle.  KERPLUNK.
"you're such an ass."
"hey, you dont pay the bills."

cyb and i giggled to each other at such trivial nonsense and got back to the task at hand.

i must have mastered the scooping maneuver the first time, because i easily captured three, yes one...two...THREE *CRUNCH* THREE more pieces of candy.  and one was a baby ruth!!!

knowing mom and dad would be coming to bed soon, we knew our job was only half done.  we still needed to eat the candy AND put the vent cover back.    

we snarfed it scooby-style and i said, "we should put the wrappers back in the bowl with dad’s.  if mom finds them up here we're dead."

of course then cybil just tosses one nonchalantly down the vent and it floats gingerly to the floor.  i could see the snickers logo smirking back at me.  GAK!!! 

"gimme those."  i snatched her other two wrappers and my three and stretched my arm down the vent, gently dropping them all in the BIG ORANGE bowl.

i hefted up the vent cover and the grid instantly inflicted pain as it slid into my finger creases; they were still sore from taking it out.  but i made quick work of it, and fortunately it went back in with no problems except for a few more “mouse noises.”  heh.   

"those were soooo good, jos,” cyb said licking some caramel off her finger.  we'll have to do this again tomorrow night."    

WE??  i didnt answer.  i didnt think i could handle that much stress again.  little did i know i'd grow up to be a non-risky kinda person, cause that would be just about the sneakiest thing i’d ever do.

we both got into our beds and fell asleep dreaming our baby ruth and snickered-up dreams.

the next afternoon, mom told us we could have some candy for dessert after lunch.  she pulled down the BIG ORANGE bowl.  sccrrrrape.  she looked in the bowl with one eyebrow up and a hand on her hip.  cyb and i looked at each other with a wave of OH CRAP.

she set the bowl on the table for us to pick.  i saw our wrappers and dad's in there.  she watched us--was that suspicion in her eyes?  then i bravely (and bluffingly) said, "mom, where's all my baby ruths?"

she leaned over and shook the bowl around.  "john!  no wonder you had a stomach ache last night...you're worse than the kids!!  what am i doing to have to do, hide it from you?"

dad comes in all macho-y and surveys the damage.  "WHAT? i didnt eat all that.  how many trips did YOU make to the kitchen last night??"

cyb and i looked back and forth at them in unison.

dad strutted out of the kitchen doing his smart-butt daddy walk and mocking mom in a fake high voice, "no wonder you had a stomach ache..."  we all giggled.

mom crossed her arms.  "whatever, john.  whatever!  you're still an ass!  josey, i'll ask mamaw for a few more baby ruths today when i stop by there, honey."

"and more snickers, too, mommy?"

"yes, cyb, i'll get more snickers, too." 

CHA-CHING.

 ************
and they never knew the truth until 20 years later. 
HAHAHAHHAAHAA!
;)

boundaries or compassion?

happy saturday!! :)

part of this new path i'm moseying along includes remembering to be grateful for the people i have in my life.  it also includes choosing healthy, happy relationships that are mutually nurturing and beneficial.  while most of my relationships meet that standard, there are a few that don't.

while i was perusing my facebook feed today, i came across this:

so wow...that's one way to look at it; one way i typically don't when it comes to certain people in my life.  i tend to have the knee jerk reaction of feeling used instead, especially after the fact :(
 
i immediately felt the need to share this because i have been struggling with this exact thing for a long time!  i must post this disclaimer, though--i feel a bit high-schoolish downloading these feelings. lol. but it's something i'm sure we all deal with, right?  i'm hoping i can get some outside perspectives to help me out here!

i have learned over the years that friendships come and go, and that it's okay if you outgrow each other or if other circumstances divert your paths. while it's not always easy letting go, new relationships ease the loss and many times are just what you need at that time in life!  not everyone is meant to be bffs :)

i've never been the kind of person to do the "pruning" of relationships in my life. lol. people just seem to naturally come and go.  but currently there are a few relationships that fit this "only remember you when they need you" profile.  with them, i tend to have that aforementioned knee jerk reaction which leaves me feeling crappy, sometimes mad, and other times sad.

there's a part of me that wants to remember to "feel privileged" and keep a positive, grateful perspective when these people come around.  that part of me feels an obligation in my heart to be compassionate to those folks, and be grateful they feel they can trust me and lean on me in times of trouble or need.  i also would feel terrible cutting those people out because a few of them may not have anyone else to turn to.  in my case, these particular people aren't a big part of my life--don't live closeby--and i don't have regular contact and their lives don't really intersect with mine on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis.  but, i still feel used by them and try as i might, i just cant shake the feeling!

do you ever set a boundary with people who only appear in your life now and then to take and never give?  even if it's just emotional energy and nothing else?  where do you draw the line?  when does being "a friend" really mean that you're essentially enabling that person's bad life choices (which is why they contact you) by you being the neutral party they seem to be seeking?  or is it loyal and helpful to provide a neutral ground so that person can feel safe and loved?

for me, it's a battle with being compassionate and non-judgmental against being mindful of the kind of people i surround myself with who aren't just here to drain me of energy...and then leave me to never check in and nurture the friendship, or even inquire about how i'm doing, etc...

what're your thoughts on this?  i don't feel like i verbalized it quite how i'm feeling, but it's such a touchy subject, ya know?  hopefully those of you who have experienced this know what i mean!

i know there's not a cut and dry answer. every situation is different. but i feel like i'm swimming in a sea of confusion and a little bit of hurt, and i'm battling against two different gut feelings of my own.

i'm not really asking for advice--instead, i'd love to hear your stories, experiences, and wisdom you've gained from how you've handled relationships like these.

(((hugs!)))
~josey~

moseying down a new path

well hello! :)

if you're reading this, i'm guessing you're most likely not familiar with my old sillygolucky (stayin' silly, livin' lucky) blog and also my separate health journal from years ago, where i mostly talked about random things going on in life and journey to being more healthy.  i haven't blogged much in a few years, and a lot has happened since then!

all the archives from the old blog are here on this site now, but if you do sift through them, please pardon all the broken links, weird paragraph spacing and no longer available photos and vids.  the blog has been bopped around and transferred a few times and those things were inevitable.  but all the text is there at least!

before reading on, if you're curious as to a few key points on my journey over the last 8 years, check out these old posts:

• a great start to the end of the year! (my very first blog post ever, Dec. 2005) 
• time to heal (written after my laparoscopic surgery for endometriosis, Mar. 2007) 
• crying over chocolate cake (a day in the life of imbalanced neurotransmitters... June 2007)
• what's the real reason? (a pretty candid look at my relationship with food, Oct. 2007)
• nutrition + emotions = health (my first experience with alternative healthcare, Nov. 2007)
• mo-shmo :P~ (Feb. 2010, a not-so-positive emotional vent that pretty much sums up my rollercoaster life from then up until recently!)

okay, onward...let's just jump right into why i felt like blogging all of the sudden after all this time...

man, sometimes the more you know about food, nutrition and health, the more frustrating and discouraging it all gets.  especially when not much of the purported "right" information doesnt help you feel better or lose weight!  anyone else with me? :)  trying to lose weight and get healthier has absolutely consumed my thoughts and life for many years.  there has been a positive aspect to this here and there; but looking back, i think it has created more unhappiness than happiness. not good.

so...to get right to the point...there will be no more dieting--ever--for this girl!  it's taken several years, and several swift-kicks-in-da-bum, and lots of pints of ice cream, and lots of journaling, and even more self-reflection and even MORE confiding in close friends and my hubby (poor them! lol!) to bring me to some clarity! i guess we all have our blockhead moments ;) (and they may even last a decade. LOL!)

instead of...uh, doing everything i've been doing for the last 10 years...lol... (which has brought me 40 extra pounds, more panic attacks, bad digestion, and lots more gray hair and wrinkles...)  i am now putting all my energy into appreciating my body, doing daily visualizations of how i will look and feel, forgiving myself and others, enjoying foods of all kinds, following my passion, getting out and being active doing whatever i feel like doing and allowing joy and gratefulness for what i have and who's in my life.

not that everything's perfect, mind you. :)

to me, that all sounds so much more simple than attempting to decode what in the heck i'm supposed to be eating (paleo, traditional, low fat, blahblahblah!) and what exercise (P90X, walking, yoga, hrrmmm??) i should be doing!  i've blasted through a whole stinkin decade trying to figure that out (many dozens of books and plans and websites and gurus and diets later) and i'm heavier and unhealthier (and older, oy vey!!) than where i started!  gee, surprise surprise. (sorry for inundating you with parentheses. it's just how i think! lol.)

honestly i think that's where we all make our mistakes--throwing so much time and energy into special diets and exercise plans.  someone else's plans.  dont get me wrong, i'm not discrediting anyone's research or best-selling book.  there are a lot of fitness and health experts who have helped countless people. i've benefited from bits of info from many different sources, as i'm sure we all have and will continue to.  sure, results happen with special diets and exercise.  some people can sustain it for life, but not many. (i have a lot more thoughts on all that, probably to arise in future posts!)

in light of that, i'm finding at the root of anyone's quest for health or weight loss there almost always seems to be some missing links. and they have nothing to do food or exercise or calories or macronutrients. in fact, for me, i'm convinced the missing links are what should be addressed before diet or exercise should even come into play!

i am 100% positive that i have damaged my health MORE being so stressed about not being able to reach those goals--physically, and especially emotionally (which then in turn goes right back around to affect the physical!).

so now i'm thinking...how about a gradual, gentle change? how about some self-love, gentleness and forgiveness? how about healing emotional wounds and finding some spirituality?  how about stating things in a positive light about our future and NOW instead of beating ourselves up about the past?  why does it always have to be about finding perfect health and a body to match society's standards? 

i'm ready to slow down and allow healing :)  in some ways, this is the more challenging path.  it will take longer. it will take changing my thought patterns. it will allow letting go! *gasp*  letting go of any preconceived ideas about what i should eat, how i should exercise and all that hooey.

and so for the food part...
deep down i know what's right for me.  goodness knows i've experimented enough with my diet to know what makes me feel good and what doesnt!  and that may not be the same for someone else.  i'm releasing all the dogma against any food that's whole and natural--i know what foods are nutritious and why.  my body will tell me loud and clear what is good for me and what isn't. 

and who says you have to eat perfect to feel great, anyway?  the emotional aspect of eating--how you feel about food you're consuming--affects how we feel physically MUCH more than the foods themselves.  not that you shouldnt eat nutritious foods, silly--you know what i mean :)

so i'm not going to cut out foods anymore...i'm going to eat what i want (which is generally healthy food anyway, but not always!) and do more adding of what's nutrient dense and makes me feel good.  no more "bad" food days or "good" food days. everything else food related will fall into place once my body is no longer malnourished, and i know that could take months or longer.  and i'm cool with that.

reading over this, i kinda feel like this post exudes a little bit of anger and frustration. well, i've been angry and frustrated.  lol. ;) i'd apologize, but i'm not sorry. i'm human :)  i typically focus on the positive aspects of things and don't like to complain when it comes to publicly sharing my feelings!

but in this case, i'm sharing because i know a lot of other people who are feeling this way, too.  many friends and i have collaborated on this subject bunches of times, and typically i had a perfectly-wrapped answer and plan. (heh.)  it's time i use my own common sense and filter out the brainwashed bits and finally start living my life.  i am making a huge effort to change my thinking and focus on the positive, feeling grateful and inviting healing into my life on all levels!  i hope this encourages you to do the same if you're feeling down in the dumps about your health, no matter what your challenges are!

whew. lol.  thankfully, i'm pretty sure this is the rock bottom, so the worst is over. YAY!  now that that's out of the way, it'll be much easier to let the good stuff flow... i'd love any partners in crime for the climb back up!!

feel free to chime and tell me how you feel!  are you ready to turn over a new leaf, too?  try for a new change of scenery down a new path?  spring has begun, the perfect time for new beginnings and a fresh start. life is good!!

(((hugs!!)))
~josey~

someone's moving in...!

hello friends! =)

as much as i have loved my sillygoluckiness over the last several years (and it will never be forgotten!), i’m blazing new trails in life. :)  recently i’ve taken my love for gemstones plus my need for a creative outlet, then tossed in some wire and pliers…and turned it into a jewelry-making business!

so i have some exciting news—soon sillygolucky is moving out and peridot daisy wire & gemstone jewelry will be moving in! :)

i hope all of my old bloggy friends as well as my friends and family who have come along for the ride in my sillygolucky blog journeys will continue to do so as i run full speed into this adventure!   the new website will completely replace sillygolucky, so within a few days www.sillygolucky.com will no longer be around.  please visit www.peridotdaisy.com after that to see what’s new and exciting!

feel free to keep sillygolucky@gmail.com in your addy books—i’d love it if you’d stay in touch :)

hope to see ya’ll on the flipside!

~josey~

crying over dirty dishes

okay, so i’ve got this crazy habit of crying while i’m doing mundane chores.  (or in extreme cases, crying over chocolate cake.)  no, not because i dont wanna do them…okay well maybe sometimes. ;)  teehee. 

it always seems like it’s at these times when i STOP overanalyzing things and suddenly the light bulb flashes on and lessons i need to learn become very apparent to me.

tonite one of my closest friends called to chat.  it’s our normal thing—we talk just about every day either via email, phone or in person.  she’s one of those friends who keeps my feet on the ground, who pulls me out of the hot air balloon when i start floating away with my thoughts (typical me!).

i was expressing to her how i’m getting frustrated (once again) with my weight loss (errr, lack thereof) and unsuccessful get-healthy endeavors.  how i’m getting exhausted being obsessed with devising plan after plan to boost my health and finally reach some weight loss goals.  cause like, it’s pretty much all i think and talk about.  how i’m so tired of never following a plan through from start to finish. 

and how i’m wondering if it’s LESS healthy for me to constantly be focused on these things instead of just living my life, being grateful and happy…

she started brainstorming with me, trying to iron out my crazy deductions on why i have these stumbling blocks and maybe how i can navigate my way through or around them.

then she said to me, “josey, i just cant imagine you being any other way.  i can only see you just how you are—your beautiful amazing self. [insert a few other really nice compliments here that i cant remember!]  do you ever see yourself as beautiful?”

*blinx*

“well yes,” i said, “i certainly don’t think i’m ugly!  i mean, we all have days where we feel fat and bleh, but in general i dont think it’s a self-esteem issue.  it’s more like the extra weight is limiting me in enjoying my life physically—i dont have the stamina to do the outdoor things id like to do, my ankles/feet/knees bother me, etc…”

then i started in on how i feel so compelled to look more like i used to, like…i feel that how i look now isn’t the real me.  i pointed out to my friend that she’s only known me for a few years, and has only known me as my current chubbly self. in fact, i’m pretty sure she’s never even seen pictures of the “real me.”

we yap-trapped on for several more minutes and even though no profound solution was discovered, i felt so much better for the chat and the grounding she always naturally provides!

soooo after we hung up, i went about my business, cleaning the kitchen as usual around this time of the evening.  i was washing my daily-used-and-abused cast-iron skillet that always seems to end up sitting on the stove all day with bacon grease in it.  hehe.  it just wasnt coming clean—it kinda smelled rusty!  grrrrr…darnit.  it happens. 

then i noticed hot tears streaming down my cheeks.  HUHHRRHH??  i scrubbed that goofy cast-iron pan harder and the smell irritated me—it was rancid from the grease, too.  why couldnt it be nice and seasoned and easy to care for like it was a few months ago?       

then i stopped and asked myself, “why in the heck are you crying??”  and it hit me like a load of flamin-hot cheetos.  what my friend said about not imagining me any other way…!!!???!!!  it broke me.  it really did.  i tasted the salty tears and felt the hugemongous lump in my throat. 

i instantly made a connection to an aha! moment i had a few months ago during a 10-day “spring cleaning” cleanse i did.  on day 8, i was superdooper inside my head and wrote a post in my health journal called me, myself and i. 

in that post i mentioned a visualization meditation i love doing called “Fulfill Your Own Potential.”  it’s basically about finding your authentic self and believing that’s who you are—RIGHT NOW.  you drop all judgments of yourself.  you love yourself RIGHT NOW for who you want to be, because really, if you believe it, you are.  that’s how the world/life/karma/intentions work…what we truly think deep in our hearts and minds is what is and what will become.

anyhoo, i feel i’m randomly rambling here, counting on you to connect all my thoughts…;)

so i get it now.  all these years i’ve been trying to “undo” the way i’ve become…and why?  only because i think i’m not my real self being overweight.  with the emotional baggage.  with the maturity and wisdom i’ve gained from learning from my mistakes.  from the few gray hairs and lines around my eyes.  how can i not say this is the real me?

i cried because i realize i’m like my trusty cast-iron skillet! (dontcha just love my cheesey metaphors?? ;) hehe.)  i’m just getting more seasoned.  more non-stick.  sure, i might have a few rust spots when i neglect taking care of myself sometimes, but they can be rubbed out and oiled up :)   i dont have to reach my weight loss goals to be useful and beautiful.  those who need me in their lives will appreciate me for all my flaws and all my gifts just the same. 

i dont feel i’ve done a great job writing down how i’m really feeling.  but dangit, i feel like i’ve been building toward this turning point for a long time!  life just HAS to be more than trying to fix ourselves.  i keep longing to find where i belong, what my purpose is.  i think most people do.  i feel so fortunate to have had this revelation, and to have my good friend gently bring it to the surface for me.  i am so grateful!!  

i dont know what all this means yet…but maybe i’ll ditch trying to lose weight for a while (forever?).  just go with the flow.   i want to be happy with the way i am and let my inner sunshine burst out again!   i miss life.  i miss listening to others.   

i have missed out while trying to find ME…and i’ve been here all along! 

more soon…

~jos~