november 8th, 2007.
dear diary,
well, my delusional thoughts of being able to save the world came to an end today.
okay, well not that i thought i could *REALLY* save the WHOLE world. just a few people in it. maybe.
i love A, and she is struggling. A is missing things in her life that she always thought would be…but have never been. things she may have dreamed of pursuing, and just well, plain doin whatever she wants at her own will…being the life of the party, lifted up on a pedestal by a lover, a friend. maybe even breaking out of the mold of a small town.
she had to take on a lot of responsiblity much earlier than she was ready for, and therefore the path of her life’s circumstances have changed. she feels as tho she’s missed out.
i dont think she’d turn back the clock now if she could, though. she has intelligent, sweet children. a loving, providing husband. well at least that’s what i think. but i’m on the outside. i’m wondering—does she see any good in them anymore?
A has alienated her family. she doesnt realize the implications, because in her “world” she gets all the attention she “needs.”
and her family is wondering how their love, attention, and devotion could ever come in 3rd, 4th, 5th…or lost somewhere at the back of the pack…but no matter what, they still want to be there for her.
NO MATTER WHAT.
i want to tell A how it is. i want to lay it all out and scold her and tell her every time she chooses her “world” as her priority, she is sending messages to some people that they don’t matter. important people. “little” people…and “big” people. i dont think she sees that, because her words say she cares. her words say she’s “fine.”
we all know that actions speak louder than words.
she needs a creative outlet, and that’s wonderful. she’s talented. amazingly! but where does the line get drawn? where should the priorities lie? i think she knows. but she’s lonely for herself. she’s trying to find it where it’s not. well, at least not the biggest and best part of it…
because of her choices, trust and feelings have been damaged. why does she need to cloak herself with this? do those who love her not give her what she needs? unfortunately its a vicious circle, because she has built a wall around her heart. no one can get in. at least not those who love her the most.
she wont let me in, and i dont know why. i’ve known her for 28 years. i’m more like her than she will EVER know.
i want to ask her why she doesnt take care of herself and step up to the plate and be strong for the people who need her. i want to smack her and yell at her and tell her she’s ruining her life, wasting it away, and to stop being a martyr for no one…
…and yet i want to just scoop A up in my arms and tell her its okay. love her and comfort her and even give her chicken soup for her soul. and tell her its okay to be sad that life hasnt panned out the way she think she deserves. that its okay to feel a little twinge of bitterness sometimes. we’re human.
i want to show her that things can get better. there’s more than one way. i want her to love herself. breathe the fresh air and make her family laugh (cause she’s good at it!). eat nutritious food and share it with her family. move her body—celebrate being able to. i can only hope she truly wants these things for herself.
even one little spark somewhere deep down inside her is all it takes. geez, where are my matches…
i want to encourage her to search her soul. to think about what she has, and how lucky she is, even if some of the people in her life are plenty less than perfect. because some of those people want to change, and be better for her. and they are trying—but she keeps beating them down. especially one of them. they just need her help, love and to let them know they are loved by her. her actions need to be deliberate.
she needs to make a choice.
when she’s ready.
and im so afraid when she’s ready it will be too late.
to find true joy in all circumstances, we have to be thankful. i have learned this personally, and its the hardest thing to do. SO hard, because joy is not a feeling, its a state of mind. its always there in the background. NO MATTER WHAT.
we have to remember that even though “ME” is important, giving of ourselves to those who love and care about us make life worthwhile in the long run, and can even make up for those dreams of ours that havent—and may never—come true.
A has a lot of people that count on her. i dont think she realizes how important she is in others’ lives, and since she’s been “gone” several people are feeling the loss. a lot of relationships have been damaged for one reason or another because of her absence.
but her being “gone” is just easier than facing the truth and getting to the heart of her unhappiness. even if it means losing those closest to her??
but she has to decide for herself that things need to change. no one can do it for her. [insert super-hero syndrome here.] (i want to fix it!!! SO BAD. i know, i know. i cant.)
God, where are you in this? when she hits rock bottom, will you soften the fall?
even if she needs to hit hard, i cant help but want to protect her, even if that’s just the way it has to be.
of being able to save the world
came to an end today.
i grew up a little bit,
and it hurt.
Hey Josey, it sure is hard to save the world isn't it. I wish you could help too, but I'm sure there is a reason why you can't and why she has to go through what she has to go through. No one likes to see another suffer. It's unfair I know. What else can we do but hope, pray, and ask for help.
ReplyDeleterolando, you're so right. there's a reason for everything. it's just hard when i myself have been thru much of the same thing and i want to show her there's a different way. i know all i can do is pray that God will lead her where she needs to be, and provide her the necessary things to do so.
ReplyDeletethanks for your insight. it's always appreciated.