crying over dirty dishes

okay, so i’ve got this crazy habit of crying while i’m doing mundane chores.  (or in extreme cases, crying over chocolate cake.)  no, not because i dont wanna do them…okay well maybe sometimes. ;)  teehee. 

it always seems like it’s at these times when i STOP overanalyzing things and suddenly the light bulb flashes on and lessons i need to learn become very apparent to me.

tonite one of my closest friends called to chat.  it’s our normal thing—we talk just about every day either via email, phone or in person.  she’s one of those friends who keeps my feet on the ground, who pulls me out of the hot air balloon when i start floating away with my thoughts (typical me!).

i was expressing to her how i’m getting frustrated (once again) with my weight loss (errr, lack thereof) and unsuccessful get-healthy endeavors.  how i’m getting exhausted being obsessed with devising plan after plan to boost my health and finally reach some weight loss goals.  cause like, it’s pretty much all i think and talk about.  how i’m so tired of never following a plan through from start to finish. 

and how i’m wondering if it’s LESS healthy for me to constantly be focused on these things instead of just living my life, being grateful and happy…

she started brainstorming with me, trying to iron out my crazy deductions on why i have these stumbling blocks and maybe how i can navigate my way through or around them.

then she said to me, “josey, i just cant imagine you being any other way.  i can only see you just how you are—your beautiful amazing self. [insert a few other really nice compliments here that i cant remember!]  do you ever see yourself as beautiful?”

*blinx*

“well yes,” i said, “i certainly don’t think i’m ugly!  i mean, we all have days where we feel fat and bleh, but in general i dont think it’s a self-esteem issue.  it’s more like the extra weight is limiting me in enjoying my life physically—i dont have the stamina to do the outdoor things id like to do, my ankles/feet/knees bother me, etc…”

then i started in on how i feel so compelled to look more like i used to, like…i feel that how i look now isn’t the real me.  i pointed out to my friend that she’s only known me for a few years, and has only known me as my current chubbly self. in fact, i’m pretty sure she’s never even seen pictures of the “real me.”

we yap-trapped on for several more minutes and even though no profound solution was discovered, i felt so much better for the chat and the grounding she always naturally provides!

soooo after we hung up, i went about my business, cleaning the kitchen as usual around this time of the evening.  i was washing my daily-used-and-abused cast-iron skillet that always seems to end up sitting on the stove all day with bacon grease in it.  hehe.  it just wasnt coming clean—it kinda smelled rusty!  grrrrr…darnit.  it happens. 

then i noticed hot tears streaming down my cheeks.  HUHHRRHH??  i scrubbed that goofy cast-iron pan harder and the smell irritated me—it was rancid from the grease, too.  why couldnt it be nice and seasoned and easy to care for like it was a few months ago?       

then i stopped and asked myself, “why in the heck are you crying??”  and it hit me like a load of flamin-hot cheetos.  what my friend said about not imagining me any other way…!!!???!!!  it broke me.  it really did.  i tasted the salty tears and felt the hugemongous lump in my throat. 

i instantly made a connection to an aha! moment i had a few months ago during a 10-day “spring cleaning” cleanse i did.  on day 8, i was superdooper inside my head and wrote a post in my health journal called me, myself and i. 

in that post i mentioned a visualization meditation i love doing called “Fulfill Your Own Potential.”  it’s basically about finding your authentic self and believing that’s who you are—RIGHT NOW.  you drop all judgments of yourself.  you love yourself RIGHT NOW for who you want to be, because really, if you believe it, you are.  that’s how the world/life/karma/intentions work…what we truly think deep in our hearts and minds is what is and what will become.

anyhoo, i feel i’m randomly rambling here, counting on you to connect all my thoughts…;)

so i get it now.  all these years i’ve been trying to “undo” the way i’ve become…and why?  only because i think i’m not my real self being overweight.  with the emotional baggage.  with the maturity and wisdom i’ve gained from learning from my mistakes.  from the few gray hairs and lines around my eyes.  how can i not say this is the real me?

i cried because i realize i’m like my trusty cast-iron skillet! (dontcha just love my cheesey metaphors?? ;) hehe.)  i’m just getting more seasoned.  more non-stick.  sure, i might have a few rust spots when i neglect taking care of myself sometimes, but they can be rubbed out and oiled up :)   i dont have to reach my weight loss goals to be useful and beautiful.  those who need me in their lives will appreciate me for all my flaws and all my gifts just the same. 

i dont feel i’ve done a great job writing down how i’m really feeling.  but dangit, i feel like i’ve been building toward this turning point for a long time!  life just HAS to be more than trying to fix ourselves.  i keep longing to find where i belong, what my purpose is.  i think most people do.  i feel so fortunate to have had this revelation, and to have my good friend gently bring it to the surface for me.  i am so grateful!!  

i dont know what all this means yet…but maybe i’ll ditch trying to lose weight for a while (forever?).  just go with the flow.   i want to be happy with the way i am and let my inner sunshine burst out again!   i miss life.  i miss listening to others.   

i have missed out while trying to find ME…and i’ve been here all along! 

more soon…

~jos~

reality tv and weight loss--revisited

happy hump day! hehe :)

back at the end of december, after watching my first season ever of The Biggest Loser, i was very moved.

i wrote a post called reality tv and weight loss.  i urge you to read it if you havent!  it will help you see where i’m comin from in my blabblings of this post ;)

this season’s run of TBL: Couples has sparred a lot of commentary across the blogosphere.  from annoyed fans complaining about the cheesey product endorsements to vehement put-downs about certain contestants, to frustrating and unfair excessive twists and turns in the game—there’s been a little bit of everything said about this season.

***WARNING!!  POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT!!!***

after last night’s episode, we’re down to the final 4.  two men and two women, and btw, a woman has never won TBL.  i’m definitely routing for one of the women to win! =D

okay so…to get to my point of this post ;)  even tho this was only my second season watching, it seemed to me in particular many of the contestants had break-throughs as far as life-defining and changing moments.  for me personally, THAT is what attracts me to this show. 

all the drama between contestants, or the oh-so-exciting ways to utilize Extra Sugar-Free Gum or the drill-sergeantry coming from the trainers isnt what makes me glued to the toob here. hehe. ;) 

since 2008 has started, i myself have had a few life-defining moments with my health and weight loss.  and altho many people have complained about Mark (one of the contestants) and all his crying and blubbering—i have to cut the poor guy some slack because this year has also been the same for me!  

sure, there were points where i was just like, GEEZZZ dude, calm down!!!  especially when he and his brother, Jay, were separated a few times by eliminations.  his emotions ran so high and it was apparent he was just bubbling over with issues he’s stuffed down for a long time.  and obviously, he didnt cry constantly—it just appeared that way thanks to the editing team!

i cant imagine what it would be like to go through a drastic physical change like that in such a short amount of time.  people who are overweight harbor so many issues that are attached to every freakin single pound they’ve packed on.  i know this—i am one of them.  sometimes it takes months, even years, for us to figure out there’s a reason why those pounds are there, and it’s not just because we overeat or are lazy!

for every bite of food and drink of pop or alcohol we take that we physically dont need (and mentally we are reliant on that moment of pleasure)…and every joke we cackle about regarding how fat and jolly we are…there’s a stab of pain in our hearts and souls that’s a disappointment to who we’ve become…and a disillusionment to who we REALLY are.

over the years i’ve made buku excuses for so long to not take better care of myself.  it was so much easier to float through life, getting heavier and heavier, and having my family and friends see me as a woman who’s had a hard time and “you have to feel sorry for her. she’s had it rough.” 

yes, poor me.  POOR ME THAT i never mustered the strength to overcome it!  where have i been??!?  

i’ve sat around dooming myself to the same physical ailments and diseases that have slowly killed my family members or have taken away their quality of life.  i’ve sat around LITERALLY MINUTE-TO-MINUTE worrying about these things—all the while i’ve been statistically healthy, just overweight—and in the process of all that worrying i’ve developed panic attacks, nutritional deficiencies, a liver packed full of toxins from all my fast food fixes and nearly a whole other person’s worth of weight (and mental burden) attached to my short little body.

somehow doing all that to myself was easier than finding the time to exercise, putting to good use all my knowledge of nutrition and food, and practicing what i preach…

…or was it?

fortunately in the last year i’ve been inspired by countless people, events, books, tv shows and lifted up by my daily prayers.   

and in the last few months i’ve felt a shift—in my health, for the better, and emotionally.  it’s beenalongtimecomin, i tell ya!!  and it’s been the most challenging hill i’ve climbed in my life…and im still trekkin along…

after finishing my 10-day spring cleanse yesterday, i’ve come to a realization that i’m not the weakling i’ve pegged myself.  no, im not supergirl but i have determination.  i have perseverance.  i have strength that God gives me freely and i have a goal and purpose i want to share with others.

as people lose weight, different things happen.  some of them find a self-confidence and pride theyve been lacking—like Kelly.  some of them find that just simply learning how to eat to live and not live to eat has helped them the most—like Roger.  others find they have more inner strength than they ever imagined, and it results in a beautiful outer strength,too—like Ali.  and lastly, some have a total transformation inside AND out, and suddenly all the numbness dissipates and the flood-gates open—like Mark.

i’d have to say i identify most closely with Mark.  until recently i never knew i stuffed so much emotional crap down and hid it with my weight.  in fact, i honestly had NO CLUE.  i would always say, “i just have bad habits.  fast food tastes good so i eat it instead.  there’s nothing emotionally bothering me.  i’m just a little defeated because i cant be consistent.  my ankles hurt and i feel tired if i try to exercise.”  blahblahblah…

but now suddenly something changed in me.  sometimes when i’m working out, if i push myself extra hard—i feel my heart beating in my ears and pounding in my chest, i taste the sweat on my lips and feel my legs burn—I CRY.  yes, I CRY!!  it’s an overwhelming sense of pride in myself, but now i believe it is also literally a purging of a stuffed-down INCORRECT opinion ive had of my own character and will.

sometimes i’ll be talking to hubby about some of my mini-goals and how i’ve done a good job that day.  then i’ll just start crying!  i feel like such a doof ball, but i cant help it! (like that one time in yoga class…)  inside my head i’ve told myself so many times “you can’t do it. just forget it!”  so now, when i reach a small goal, it’s like the most comforting HUG…an affirmation that i’m NOT a loser.  that with a little extra effort—even for a few days—wonderful things can happen! 

and NO, that ISNT cheesey…it’s true…when you have become so deflated, so consumed by your own misery, even one little teenyweeny victory is something to celebrate.  it could just be that spark that fires you up! 

i am also finding myself thinking twice when i suddenly want junk food.  no, i wont always make the right choice.  but if i become PRESENT in that moment and stop myself from blindly eating, i can connect an emotional reason to that food choice.  and many times, that food is merely a sedative to something i’m not dealing with.

 oh, isnt it so sad that simply fueling our bodies has become so laden in complication??!?  i want to change.  i WILL!!

i want people to know that even if you WANT to lose 15lb or if you NEED to lose 300lb, it doesnt matter.  it all starts in the same place—your heart.  KNOW WHO YOU ARE.  dont be afraid to let changes happen in your life—you HAVE to be a little vulnerable and get out of your comfort zone.  you HAVE to take a chance!!  get yourself up!!  stop feeling sorry for yourself.  is this who you really are?   

STOP MAKING EXCUSES.  nothing will change until YOU DO SOMETHING!  if you’re unhappy, do something that makes you happy.  it’s as simple as that—it doesnt have to be this golden moment and light from heaven!  start with every day things…THINK ABOUT IT, use your intelligence!  it’s common sense.  we’ve been so numbed that we forget how to even think.  your happiness level may not rise as quickly as you’d prefer, but the more you try, the more momentum you’ll build.

and before you know it, you’ll feel the flood-gates open and slowly you will become unburdened by all those poor choices you made in the past.  you’ll actually realize it’s all happened for a reason.  and altho you’ll stumble and fall on the way, you’ll finally be living your life instead of sitting there, eating, doing nothing, being miserable inside, being uncertain of your future and watching the here and now all slip by for nothing.

LIVING YOUR LIFE.  moving, breathing, smiling, laughing, crying, praying, thanking. 

it’s worth it.  we deserve to be happy and healthy and no one is responsible for yourself but YOU.

~josey~ 

[ if you got this far reading, THANK YOU for sticking with my novel of a brain-dump!! (((hugs!!))) ]
 

heartaches

march 25th, 2008.

dear diary,

i know i can tell you anything, even if i sound like an inarticulate baby.  so hear me out, okay? 

my heart hurts.  it hurts for one of the most special people in my life.  

i’m angry.  i’m empathetic.  i’m offended.  i’m guilty.

because i’m tired of being tossed to the side.

because i’ve been there before…but i’ve never gotten the chance to tell her in a loving way.

because i can’t believe she is doing what she is with no outward remorse.

because i’ve not been an active part of her life and been there when she’s needed it most and i haven’t asked God enough for his hand in her life.

the unfortunate part is that i’m not the only one.  in fact, there are more important people and feelings at stake.

when will this selfish fiasco stop??  when will the livid, angry begging of those around you be unveiled as the pleas for your love and attention that they are??  the fighting, the yelling, the namecalling, the suspicions, the misbehaving…they are all pleas…cant you see? 

no one wants to hurt her.  but no one knows how to tell her it’s okay to come back.  is she avoiding confronting her true unhappiness?  no one knows. maybe she doesnt even know.

are you lonely?  you know i’m here.  and i’m sorry, i’m so sorry i’ve let my own resentment get in the way of calling you.  it just hurts that your attention is always divided.  you know what i’m talking about.  i don’t think i ask for too much.  do you realize i’m not the only one who feels this way?  WHY do your own needs always come before everyone else’s?  yes, they do.  why do you scold me and say i make you feel badly?  maybe you should…

oh diary, i feel like such a selfish jerk!  but i dont know what to do anymore.  i’m tired of feeling angry and hurt.  i’ve been stuffing this down for a long, long time.  i want to tell her how i feel but i’m so afraid of losing her…

my intention isnt to hurt her, but to HELP her. i want to help her heal.  i want be a catalyst to help her get her life back. 

but i know this isnt really about me.  its about her.  i want her to be HAPPY and i dont care WHAT she says, she’s not.  everything in her life screams, “I’M MISERABLE!!!”  her health, her attitude, her home, her children, spouse…

so what do i do?  sit back and enable her?  let her rot her life and relationships away?  i want to go to her with my arms open wide and offer her my love, but she wont have it. 

we miss you.  even tho you are here, you are not.  please, think about what you are doing.  and dont laugh it off.  and dont get mad and defensive.  your guilt trips won’t work on me—i know you too well.   cant you just not be a martyr for once?  no one is blaming or condemning you.  we all have hard times.  we all need time to find our souls.  it’s okay, it really is.  but you’re looking in the wrong place!  listen to me, just cry on my shoulder, and you can start working through it all…it’s gonna be alright…   

 

 

DAMN life sucks.

heartaches hurt. 

we’ll get through this.  she’ll let down her ragged sail, won’t she?
 

secret o' life

hello friends :)

welp, once again, lately i’m finding myself deep in thought about who i really wanna be and what i truly want out of my life.  hmmm you’d think by your early 30’s one might have or should have already figured that out! ;) (or, maybe not…)

as much as i try to promote a moderate take on most things in my world, in reality i end up making situations either very simplistic and to the point, or quite complicated and convoluted (as you consistently witness if you read my blog. LOL.).

the simplistic side is my innate nature; the complicated side has been born from all the struggles i’ve gone through and i’ve somehow come to be this perfectionistic freak that has to dissect EVERYthing, make assumptions about emotions and theorize how things got from path A to path B.

i waste a lot of time stewing about why something happened, what i can do to change it and makes sure it’s better next time.  notice i said waste.  is stewing and delving a contructive use of my energy and time?  most times i think not.  especially now that it’s becoming clearer to me that im missing out on a lot of life’s joys by trying to be some omniscient problem solver. 

am i making sense so far? ;)  hopefully you can somehow relate.  cause ya know, that’s why i blog—in hopes that i’m not the only crazy one!  hehe.

anyhoo, even tho i’m sure you’re prolly expecting a superdooper long-winded explanation of the secret o’ life— SURPRISE!!  i think i’m starting to understand the secret isnt just one or two specifics or even a top 10 list of things you should do to get the most out of your life.    

instead, its an all-encompassing foundation we should weave into every twist and turn in our lives, every journey uphill and downhill, every person we meet, every laugh line we grow on our cheeks, and every sad or proud tear we shed. 

and being a Christian, i believe, fervently, deep down in my heart that God wants us to give Him the burden of the world we try to carry on our shoulders on a daily basis and RELISH this gift of life he has given us.

we simply should not worry about trying to figure it all out.  its not our job.  if you’re like me and you’re exhausted from seeking answers to all your questions, maybe you should just enjoy the ride…

James Taylor, The Secret O’ Life. 

the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time
any fool can do it
there aint nothing to it
nobody knows how we got to
the top of the hill
but since were on our way down
we might as well enjoy the ride

the secret of love is in opening up your heart
its okay to feel afraid
but dont let that stand in your way
cause anyone knows that love is the only road
and since were only here for a while
might as well show some style
give us a smile

isnt it a lovely ride
sliding down
gliding down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

now the thing about time is that time
isnt really real
its just your point of view
how does it feel for you
einstein said he could never understand it all
planets spinning through space
the smile upon your face
welcome to the human race

some kind of lovely ride
i’ll be sliding down
i’ll be gliding down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

isnt it a lovely ride
slidin down
glidin down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

so enjoy the passage of time, huh?  it’s all about being present, in the moment.  take heart the miracle of emotions we can feel—joy, anguish, fear, pride, elation, love, belief, grief, gratefulness…grasp them tightly with your very soul, breathe them, cherish them.

i personally dont feel i should just coast thru life egotistically numb to circumstances and withholding compassion so i can enjoy life to the fullest with no responsibility.  i dont think i should relinquish my child-like wonder of creation and the world or stop searching for answers to them.  i also feel that i should continually strive to learn more about my interests and passions, so i can become a better person and help others.

but there’s a point where we step over a line and become the gods of our own little world and it ruins the beauty of what life’s all about.

it’s really all so complicatedly simple.  and instead of withering away my time over-analyzing parts of my life that i honestly know i have no control over, i should embrace what comes, good or bad, and give simple thanks God has given me His breath of life to spend time on this earth.  and move on.  i know, i know, that’s hard (sometimes seemingly impossible or worthless) when life’s hard.  but its a conscious choice—and if we want the most out of this lifetime, we will choose joy in the midst of even the most trying times. 

people will see and feel your spirit and they will be blessed by it. 

give. love. forgive. play. hurt. seek God’s will. understand. enjoy the passage of time…

we only have a little.

what keeps you going?

 

i’m having a blah day. hubby’s gone for pretty much the whole day and i’m blah and bored here at home.

for the last few days i’ve not been motivated AT ALL…not just with blogging lately, but with life in general.  its been like pulling teeth to complete tasks around the house and even get dressed! sadly, i think its just another hormonal fluctuation…LOL…but that’s another story. ;) (NOT an excuse FYI!)

ive noticed a pattern: i’ll be really “up” and in high gear for a week or two…then suddenly i just lose steam and the tires go flat. LOL. i think part of it is just winter…the rest of it is, once again, the physical AND mental “detox” i’m goin thru in my life right now! im not whining tho…but still, its exhausting some days!

i’ll be alright…i keep tellin myself that its just the time in my life where i’m doing a lot of soul-searching. a lot of cleaning out in the closets of my mind. im also working thru some complex health issues that really hamper some of my best-laid-out plans and intentions of losing weight and reaching other health goals.

all of the struggle, down-time, spacing out, cleaning out and moving on will benefit me in the long run of my life!! :D

anyhoo, to get to my point…hehe…i thought i’d make this simple sunday easy for myself—but thought-provoking for you! ;)

i’d like to know what keeps you going in everyday life—what motivates you—when times are tough or you just arent feeling 100%. (or even 50% hehe.)

do you have things you do every day for inspiration? where do you find strength and peace when it seems your cup’s NOT runnething over?? :D

big things, small things…one thing…lots of things…ANYthing…

i cant wait to read what you all have to say. :) i’m hoping to find some inspiration and motivation from YOUR ideas!!

happy simple sunday =)

~josey~

p.s.  i was just looking thru some of our honeymoon photos and came across this one i love…this was my first day ever seeing an ocean =D  *listens for all the gasps from the cali folks*  LOL ;)  anyhoo, it brought a smile to my face!

St. Augustine, FL 

his will is peace

this last year i've struggled with so many doubts...doubts about my faith and what i believe, who i really am deep down inside, and why things in my life have happened the way they have.  and even what my purpose on this earth truly is.

i suppose we all have times like this in our lives.  but out of all the people in my world, i feel like im the only one spinning, doubting, confusing, questioning and that i make a big deal out of nothing a lot of the time.  people just live and accept things the way they are.   right now, i just cant do that.  i feel like a little kid with a million questions that no one wants to answer and i'm searching fruitlessly, naively, and afraid of misunderstanding.

today i was driving around running errands and i had some pain in my side.  its the same pain i've had off and on since my endometriosis presented itself in a real, physical way a little over a year ago.

at the same time i was having the pain today, i was thinking of a person who used to be my best friend.  i've known her since i was 4.  we grew up down the road from each other, hung out in high school, were college roommates, and even married brothers.  then, she chose to end our friendship when a divorce separated me and my husband.

(for now, i'm holding back the whole story...however, please do not let my brief and detailless depiction of her departure from my life persuade you to feel ill thoughts about her.) 

at having those thoughts, suddenly i felt this heavy cloak of grief over me, and the pain in my side pulsated.  i felt my heart racing and i felt nauseous.  i kept thinking of how i miss her, and how i miss so many of the people that used to be a part of my life, but that i had to leave behind.

then something in my head clicked--remember when i told you about my appointment at the holistic wellness center a few weeks back?  one of the emotions that was attached to my particular imbalances was grief and/or loss.  i didnt mention it in that post because at the time i didnt think it applied to me.

but today, it became very clear to me how real the connection is between emotions and our physiology...i mean, very very real...

only at that moment did i realize what grief and loss i have stuffed so far down...far far away from my heart, trying to pretend that it would just dissolve over time or that it didnt even exist at all.

instead it has grown heavier, and i can literally feel it.  right now. 

before you begin to think that i am unhappy with my life--please know that's not true.  i'm blessed beyond belief, and i know everything i've gone through in my life was supposed to happen for me to experience the true joy and happiness i have today.  much of it doesnt seem fair sometimes, but underneath this nagging grief and loss is the most grateful heart. 

but i also need to let go of the past.  i have clung so tightly to the hope that maybe i'll get my best friend back.  that one day she'll call unexpectedly and we'll cry and cry and then laugh and share old times.  and somehow we'll be a part of each others' lives again.  and i could see her two daughters and love them and hug and kiss them and listen to them giggle and play.

but God is telling me, right now--as i type this--that it's time to move on.

no, God, please no...

that sometimes people are in our lives for a season, and when it is over we cannot disrupt His will...and when we do, we experience pain, loss and grief because of our lack of understanding. 

i hear you God; i am trying to obey.  but its so hard God, its so hard!!  why do i feel so lonely?  how come it has to hurt this badly?  and why would she be a part of my life for SO LONG for nothing?  i hope one day you can help me see your purpose.

i know i have been fighting giving it over to you for a very long time.  and it is clear to me right at this very moment that i never really believed you forgave me for my mistakes and i have clutched onto the hope that if we reconciled that you'd really forgive me.  i have been so lost.

please God, wipe away my tears and soothe this hole in my heart.  i am so tired of crying and hurting. 

 

letting her go is like hearing her say goodbye again. 

 

whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say

it is well, it is well with my soul.

amen. 

 

scatterbrainededness

yo!

happy almost friday!! WOOT.

so wow, we're 15 days into NaBloPoMo.  i am ON FIRE. LOL!  it really hasnt been too hard for me to come up with junk to yack about.  altho i do have to admit the last few days have been a little harder, cause i've had a lot of stuff on my mind and i couldnt make up my mind what to blog about!  OHhhh the agonies of life!! ;)

like right now, im sitting here playing with my retro-plastic-rainbow slinky. *slink-clunk. slink-clunk*  listening to Orleans groovin on satellite radio.  doot doot doot, dance with meeee.  and watching my perpetually hungry cat, cadet, eye me, waiting for me to get up so he can run meeeeoorrrwwwing to the kitchen even tho he just ate. 

distractions, distractions!  

OKAY. well i'll settle on something that kinda got me ta thinkin today.  i know, you're saying "OH YAY. here she goes again, another rambling novel!"  of course you know that's always possible ;)  don't act so shocked! LOL!

today i was reading over at Beenzzz's.  her post today made me rethink (for oh...prolly the 100th time at least!) my obsession with food, nutrition, losing weight, and health.   

i am frustrated.  plateaued.  inconsistent.  not to mention too often emotional and ticked at myself. 

i have been trying SO HARD in the last year to lose 10% of my body weight.  i started at 220 last christmas, and have gotten as low as 201.  my goal was 198.  GOSHDANGIT how come i just CANT seem to get under that freakin 200 mark!!??!?!  i was doin so awesome for a while, and then all summer i fluctuated between 201 and 206ish.  what in the heck!?!?

im starting to wear down now.  let me reiterate that i am not obsessing about "being skinny."  i am 5'3", and weighing over 200lb is NOT healthy.  i have ankle issues, sometimes achy knees, i get tired of getting winded or having my gut rolls in the way or using my boobs as a shelf for my dinner plate.  SORRY for the visuals, but this is life as a BIG GIRL.  its hard some days, harder than you know. 

i NEED to lose weight because i have endometriosis.  there's more than one good reason to get rid of some of that extra fat im carrying around.  less fat = less estrogen = less endometriosis = less pain.  simple as that! (well not really, but i'll spare you the details for now.) 

im beginning to wonder if i need to switch my focus.  Beenzzz's post reminded me about how so stinkin confusing it is these days to choose a path to health and wellness. there are SO many opinions, plans and diets out there.  one minute something is good for ya, and the next it contributes to ill health.  and of course all these sources are professional and proven.  yeah, right.  can deprivation and self-denial really contribute to holistic health?  I DONT KNOW!

are they just trying to make money or are they truly healthy and legit?

is something that's right for one person right for me, too?

is it wrong to just want to go with my gut feeling? 

HOW MANY FREAKIN OPINIONS and PLANS and BOOKS and DIETS and OPTIONS do i need to find THE REAL ANSWERS??

guh, i could go on and on.  i realize i have a problem...it's my nature to keep searching and searching and reading and educating myself and reasoning and weighing this opinion against this one...and ultimately, i will never find the REAL ANSWER cause there is no real answer!  and so the cycle goes...

(LOL. man i am SO rambling.)

(((SIGH))) (turns off the radio.)

okay anyhoo.  when it all comes down to it, i honestly believe that what we eat determines how healthy we are holistically.  yes, cause when we eat well, we feel happy mentally too.  then usually we dont feel like sitting on our tuchases all day long and zoning out in front of the tv or puter.  then we usually spend more time with the people we love more often, so we're happier in our relationships...see where i'm going with this?

of course that's obviously not the ONLY path to being healthy.  there's other things to factor in as well, like spirituality and addressing special health issues (like pain in my case, so i can feel physically able to do the things i need to do). 

why do i want so badly to be more healthy?  because i still want to try and have children, without using artificial means.  because i want to have a great quality life and do a lot of things i have planned for myself.  because i dont want to die like i've seen many of my family members suffer and die.  because i want to make all of my husband's dreams come true.  because i am so TICKED at the world for screwing up our food, our land, our air, and every thing else...

...and i know i am still wearing that long, red cape when it comes to these issues...and that hopeful, positive, i-want-it-oh-so-badly, innocent kid part of me thinks that i can somehow figure out a way to beat it all.

AAARRRGHHHHHH!!!  i think i need help.  professional help! LOL!!! ;)  is this your area of expertise, i dont know? LOLOL!

...so what's my point here?

i dont know. (no, not the girl, but really, i dont know. hehe!!)  LOL.  hey, this is just scatterbraindedness.  but its stuff i think about a lot, and its all so interconnected that sometimes i just have a hard time separating it all out into logical conversations.     

im gonna go make some kombucha.

~jos~   

 

purpose.

 

The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I’m strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother

So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We’ll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother

If I’m laden at all
I’m laden with sadness
That everyone’s heart
Isn’t filled with the gladness
Of love for one another

It’s a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we’re on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn’t weigh me down at all
He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother

He’s my brother
He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother…

The Hollies, 1969.

retiring the long, red cape...

november 8th, 2007.

dear diary,

well, my delusional thoughts of being able to save the world came to an end today.

okay, well not that i thought i could *REALLY* save the WHOLE world.  just a few people in it. maybe.

i love A, and she is struggling.  A is missing things in her life that she always thought would be…but have never been.  things she may have dreamed of pursuing, and just well, plain doin whatever she wants at her own will…being the life of the party, lifted up on a pedestal by a lover, a friend.  maybe even breaking out of the mold of a small town. 

she had to take on a lot of responsiblity much earlier than she was ready for, and therefore the path of her life’s circumstances have changed.  she feels as tho she’s missed out.

i dont think she’d turn back the clock now if she could, though.  she has intelligent, sweet children.  a loving, providing husband.  well at least that’s what i think.  but i’m on the outside.  i’m wondering—does she see any good in them anymore?

A has alienated her family.  she doesnt realize the implications, because in her “world” she gets all the attention she “needs.”   

and her family is wondering how their love, attention, and devotion could ever come in 3rd, 4th, 5th…or lost somewhere at the back of the pack…but no matter what, they still want to be there for her.

NO MATTER WHAT.

i want to tell A how it is.  i want to lay it all out and scold her and tell her every time she chooses her “world” as her priority, she is sending messages to some people that they don’t matter.  important people.  “little” people…and “big” people.  i dont think she sees that, because her words say she cares.  her words say she’s “fine.” 

we all know that actions speak louder than words.

she needs a creative outlet, and that’s wonderful.  she’s talented.  amazingly!  but where does the line get drawn?  where should the priorities lie?  i think she knows.  but she’s lonely for herself.  she’s trying to find it where it’s not.  well, at least not the biggest and best part of it… 

because of her choices, trust and feelings have been damaged.  why does she need to cloak herself with this?  do those who love her not give her what she needs?  unfortunately its a vicious circle, because she has built a wall around her heart.  no one can get in.  at least not those who love her the most. 

she wont let me in, and i dont know why.  i’ve known her for 28 years.  i’m more like her than she will EVER know.

i want to ask her why she doesnt take care of herself and step up to the plate and be strong for the people who need her.  i want to smack her and yell at her and tell her she’s ruining her life, wasting it away, and to stop being a martyr for no one…

…and yet i want to just scoop A up in my arms and tell her its okay.  love her and comfort her and even give her chicken soup for her soul.  and tell her its okay to be sad that life hasnt panned out the way she think she deserves.  that its okay to feel a little twinge of bitterness sometimes.  we’re human.

i want to show her that things can get better.  there’s more than one way.  i want her to love herself.  breathe the fresh air and make her family laugh (cause she’s good at it!).  eat nutritious food and share it with her family.  move her body—celebrate being able to.  i can only hope she truly wants these things for herself. 

even one little spark somewhere deep down inside her is all it takes.  geez, where are my matches…

i want to encourage her to search her soul.  to think about what she has, and how lucky she is, even if some of the people in her life are plenty less than perfect.  because some of those people want to change, and be better for her.  and they are trying—but she keeps beating them down.  especially one of them.  they just need her help, love and to let them know they are loved by her.  her actions need to be deliberate.

she needs to make a choice.

when she’s ready.

and im so afraid when she’s ready it will be too late.  

to find true joy in all circumstances, we have to be thankful.  i have learned this personally, and its the hardest thing to do.   SO hard, because joy is not a feeling, its a state of mind.  its always there in the background. NO MATTER WHAT.

we have to remember that even though “ME” is important, giving of ourselves to those who love and care about us make life worthwhile in the long run, and can even make up for those dreams of ours that havent—and may never—come true. 

A has a lot of people that count on her.  i dont think she realizes how important she is in others’ lives, and since she’s been “gone” several people are feeling the loss.  a lot of relationships have been damaged for one reason or another because of her absence.

but her being “gone” is just easier than facing the truth and getting to the heart of her unhappiness.  even if it means losing those closest to her?? 

but she has to decide for herself that things need to change.  no one can do it for her. [insert super-hero syndrome here.] (i want to fix it!!!  SO BAD.  i know, i know. i cant.) 

God, where are you in this?   when she hits rock bottom, will you soften the fall?   

even if she needs to hit hard, i cant help but want to protect her, even if that’s just the way it has to be. 

my delusional thoughts

of being able to save the world

came to an end today.

i grew up a little bit,

and it hurt.