march 25th, 2008.
dear diary,
i know i can tell you anything, even if i sound like an inarticulate baby. so hear me out, okay?
my heart hurts. it hurts for one of the most special people in my life.
i’m angry. i’m empathetic. i’m offended. i’m guilty.
because i’m tired of being tossed to the side.
because i’ve been there before…but i’ve never gotten the chance to tell her in a loving way.
because i can’t believe she is doing what she is with no outward remorse.
because i’ve not been an active part of her life and been there when she’s needed it most and i haven’t asked God enough for his hand in her life.
the unfortunate part is that i’m not the only one. in fact, there are more important people and feelings at stake.
when will this selfish fiasco stop?? when will the livid, angry begging of those around you be unveiled as the pleas for your love and attention that they are?? the fighting, the yelling, the namecalling, the suspicions, the misbehaving…they are all pleas…cant you see?
no one wants to hurt her. but no one knows how to tell her it’s okay to come back. is she avoiding confronting her true unhappiness? no one knows. maybe she doesnt even know.
are you lonely? you know i’m here. and i’m sorry, i’m so sorry i’ve let my own resentment get in the way of calling you. it just hurts that your attention is always divided. you know what i’m talking about. i don’t think i ask for too much. do you realize i’m not the only one who feels this way? WHY do your own needs always come before everyone else’s? yes, they do. why do you scold me and say i make you feel badly? maybe you should…
oh diary, i feel like such a selfish jerk! but i dont know what to do anymore. i’m tired of feeling angry and hurt. i’ve been stuffing this down for a long, long time. i want to tell her how i feel but i’m so afraid of losing her…
my intention isnt to hurt her, but to HELP her. i want to help her heal. i want be a catalyst to help her get her life back.
but i know this isnt really about me. its about her. i want her to be HAPPY and i dont care WHAT she says, she’s not. everything in her life screams, “I’M MISERABLE!!!” her health, her attitude, her home, her children, spouse…
so what do i do? sit back and enable her? let her rot her life and relationships away? i want to go to her with my arms open wide and offer her my love, but she wont have it.
we miss you. even tho you are here, you are not. please, think about what you are doing. and dont laugh it off. and dont get mad and defensive. your guilt trips won’t work on me—i know you too well. cant you just not be a martyr for once? no one is blaming or condemning you. we all have hard times. we all need time to find our souls. it’s okay, it really is. but you’re looking in the wrong place! listen to me, just cry on my shoulder, and you can start working through it all…it’s gonna be alright…
DAMN life sucks.
heartaches hurt.
we’ll get through this. she’ll let down her ragged sail, won’t she?
This sounds and looks very much like my style of writing Josey. You must have liked my last piece. Like the use of the third person as well.
ReplyDelete~JD
hello jd :) wow, you're right! i had to revisit your last writing to remember...but you are right! haha. even the content is parallel--freaky! (i must say i quite enjoyed yours much more tho.) anyhoo, i write that way all the time in my head, and when i write on paper i tend to include a never-responded-to dialogue, if you know what i mean. :P
ReplyDeletei suppose i didnt even mean for this to be a writing "piece..." instead it was really a vent session that i just needed to get out before i blew my top or had an anxiety attack. LOL!
but i guess that's what creative outlets are for, hey? thank you for the compliment--and i am especially honored for my writing style to be compared to yours!!