crying over dirty dishes

okay, so i’ve got this crazy habit of crying while i’m doing mundane chores.  (or in extreme cases, crying over chocolate cake.)  no, not because i dont wanna do them…okay well maybe sometimes. ;)  teehee. 

it always seems like it’s at these times when i STOP overanalyzing things and suddenly the light bulb flashes on and lessons i need to learn become very apparent to me.

tonite one of my closest friends called to chat.  it’s our normal thing—we talk just about every day either via email, phone or in person.  she’s one of those friends who keeps my feet on the ground, who pulls me out of the hot air balloon when i start floating away with my thoughts (typical me!).

i was expressing to her how i’m getting frustrated (once again) with my weight loss (errr, lack thereof) and unsuccessful get-healthy endeavors.  how i’m getting exhausted being obsessed with devising plan after plan to boost my health and finally reach some weight loss goals.  cause like, it’s pretty much all i think and talk about.  how i’m so tired of never following a plan through from start to finish. 

and how i’m wondering if it’s LESS healthy for me to constantly be focused on these things instead of just living my life, being grateful and happy…

she started brainstorming with me, trying to iron out my crazy deductions on why i have these stumbling blocks and maybe how i can navigate my way through or around them.

then she said to me, “josey, i just cant imagine you being any other way.  i can only see you just how you are—your beautiful amazing self. [insert a few other really nice compliments here that i cant remember!]  do you ever see yourself as beautiful?”

*blinx*

“well yes,” i said, “i certainly don’t think i’m ugly!  i mean, we all have days where we feel fat and bleh, but in general i dont think it’s a self-esteem issue.  it’s more like the extra weight is limiting me in enjoying my life physically—i dont have the stamina to do the outdoor things id like to do, my ankles/feet/knees bother me, etc…”

then i started in on how i feel so compelled to look more like i used to, like…i feel that how i look now isn’t the real me.  i pointed out to my friend that she’s only known me for a few years, and has only known me as my current chubbly self. in fact, i’m pretty sure she’s never even seen pictures of the “real me.”

we yap-trapped on for several more minutes and even though no profound solution was discovered, i felt so much better for the chat and the grounding she always naturally provides!

soooo after we hung up, i went about my business, cleaning the kitchen as usual around this time of the evening.  i was washing my daily-used-and-abused cast-iron skillet that always seems to end up sitting on the stove all day with bacon grease in it.  hehe.  it just wasnt coming clean—it kinda smelled rusty!  grrrrr…darnit.  it happens. 

then i noticed hot tears streaming down my cheeks.  HUHHRRHH??  i scrubbed that goofy cast-iron pan harder and the smell irritated me—it was rancid from the grease, too.  why couldnt it be nice and seasoned and easy to care for like it was a few months ago?       

then i stopped and asked myself, “why in the heck are you crying??”  and it hit me like a load of flamin-hot cheetos.  what my friend said about not imagining me any other way…!!!???!!!  it broke me.  it really did.  i tasted the salty tears and felt the hugemongous lump in my throat. 

i instantly made a connection to an aha! moment i had a few months ago during a 10-day “spring cleaning” cleanse i did.  on day 8, i was superdooper inside my head and wrote a post in my health journal called me, myself and i. 

in that post i mentioned a visualization meditation i love doing called “Fulfill Your Own Potential.”  it’s basically about finding your authentic self and believing that’s who you are—RIGHT NOW.  you drop all judgments of yourself.  you love yourself RIGHT NOW for who you want to be, because really, if you believe it, you are.  that’s how the world/life/karma/intentions work…what we truly think deep in our hearts and minds is what is and what will become.

anyhoo, i feel i’m randomly rambling here, counting on you to connect all my thoughts…;)

so i get it now.  all these years i’ve been trying to “undo” the way i’ve become…and why?  only because i think i’m not my real self being overweight.  with the emotional baggage.  with the maturity and wisdom i’ve gained from learning from my mistakes.  from the few gray hairs and lines around my eyes.  how can i not say this is the real me?

i cried because i realize i’m like my trusty cast-iron skillet! (dontcha just love my cheesey metaphors?? ;) hehe.)  i’m just getting more seasoned.  more non-stick.  sure, i might have a few rust spots when i neglect taking care of myself sometimes, but they can be rubbed out and oiled up :)   i dont have to reach my weight loss goals to be useful and beautiful.  those who need me in their lives will appreciate me for all my flaws and all my gifts just the same. 

i dont feel i’ve done a great job writing down how i’m really feeling.  but dangit, i feel like i’ve been building toward this turning point for a long time!  life just HAS to be more than trying to fix ourselves.  i keep longing to find where i belong, what my purpose is.  i think most people do.  i feel so fortunate to have had this revelation, and to have my good friend gently bring it to the surface for me.  i am so grateful!!  

i dont know what all this means yet…but maybe i’ll ditch trying to lose weight for a while (forever?).  just go with the flow.   i want to be happy with the way i am and let my inner sunshine burst out again!   i miss life.  i miss listening to others.   

i have missed out while trying to find ME…and i’ve been here all along! 

more soon…

~jos~

leavin it all behind

hey all!

this week hubby and i took an old buddy of his (mark) and his good friend (elena) out to dinner.  they are both unemployed and homeless…

…because they quit their jobs to travel together the rest of the year!

tomorrow they are leaving the country and will be staying in barcelona, spain for a few days, then taking a train to montpelier, france, where they will take residence for the next three months.  they dont really have a formal itinerary—so it will be a true adventure!

after three months, currently the plan is for mark to travel in africa. (everyone—especially his family—is trying to convince him otherwise. LOL.)  elena plans to travel europe—including biking in the swiss alps (i think?  SOME mountains! hehe) and visiting her family in romania. 

then around christmastime, they’ll meet back up here in WI and start to integrate themselves back into normal society. hehe.     

it was a blast hearing how they’ve prepared for the trip and what their expectations are.  but out of all the things they told us, i think what i was most surprised about is that in france, a bottle of wine is cheaper to buy than a bottle of water!  hahaha!! ;) 

they’ve both started their own travel blogs and i encourage you to stop by!  elena’s adventures captures the travel experience from the vantage point of someone who just takes it all in.  and mark’s 2008 travels chronicles all the important—and sometimes funny—little details and nuances of taking such a big plunge in life!

quitting my job and leaving everything behind for nearly a year would be something i’m not sure i’d ever do.  but i’ll live vicariously thru them. ;) hehe.  for now at least…i guess ya just never know! 

i think they are very fortunate (and brave. or crazy? hehe!) to be able to do this!  i wish them the safest travels and adventures they will treasure for a lifetime.  

au revoir, mark and elena! have a great time!!

~josey~
 

2 lovely friends :)

today i am especially thankful for a few of my friends  :)

 

kelly, i am so glad we’re back in touch after 15 long years.  i love yacking for hours on the phone and laughing about stupid things we’ve done. ;) (or NOT done. hahaha…)  i’m so happy you’re online, too—its fun IM’ing or reading your new blog!!  we are so much alike even tho we’ve both changed a lot since high school.  you talk sense into me and cheer me up when i need it most.  you honestly dont know how grateful i am for that!!  (so i’m telling you now!!)  you’re talented, loving and silly!!  and i love ya, girl!!

amy, tho we’ve not met in person, i hope you know i appreciate you greatly!  your almost daily encouragement in my weight loss journey (and the myriad of other subjects that come up!) has been just what i need.  you know we’re desperate when we start betting paypal $$ to motivate us. LOL!  i truly look forward to that familiar email: RE: Daily Check in.  hehe!  on top of that, you’re a good mom and a compassionate person and it shows—even online.  i’m so blessed to know you!       

i am so fortunate to have people who genuinely care about me.  and i want the whole blogosphere to know how special these two women are!  and that’s just in my life.  i know they touch others as well!!

happy simple sunday :)

~josey~
 

virtual thankfulness :)

i was in the middle of typing up a blog entry for today, and it involved thanking a few special people i've gotten to know a tad bit since i've moved to the big-ole-blogosphere just a little over a month ago. 

then i noticed rolando over at r playground had a new post, so i hopped over there...and by golly, he was bein all thankful, too!  *teehee*  he so generously passed on a friendship badge to several of his blogging buddies, including me!

so, this Simple Sundays post is to virtually (and sincerely) thank a few of the folks who have made me feel super welcome in the last month.  these people have taken a little extra time for me...whether its been offering me technical advice, generously commenting on my posts (which boosts the baby blogger ego! LOL), or always having something positive and thought-provoking to say on his/her blog.  each day i enjoy stopping over at your places and giving you my support (and friendship!) as well!

like rolando said when he passed on this badge, please dont feel this is another award you need to display or link back to me.  its just a symbol of my appreciation for the time youve taken to get to know me :D 

...or if we dont know each other too well yet, i am anticipating our blogging buddyship growing!  hehe :D

so with that, i would like to thankfully give this friendship badge to the following folks!

rolando, of course!  he's genuine and one-of-a-kind, and makes sure everyone feels at home and special in the big-ole-blogosphere.  not to mention he's funny, thoughtful and caring, as anyone who visits his playground will say it's easy to see!!     

val, whom i've known for over a year now...she's a member of my yahoo group.  despite being diagnosed with diabetes and breast cancer both last year, she has been a positive, inspiring and amazing woman...and she loves the Lord and isnt afraid to share it! i love ya, girl!!

amy, whose blog i absosmurfly love, because you never know what she might be thinking about day to day and it always seems to coincide with something goin on in my world.  she's as sweet as apple pie (with whipped cream of course!) and her honesty about life is so admirable and REAL.  i really feel like i identify with her! 

beenzzz, erina and jessica...all women who have different ways to express their feelings and life--beenzzz says it like it is and also lets us see through the eyes of her camera , erina through her beautiful prose, and jessica through humor and down-to-earth, witty honesty.  they all fill a special spot in my bloggy heart :)

mr. grudge and the uneasy supplicant for their amazing, passionate writing talent and being so generous as to publish their works online for us to enjoy.  they are both an inspiration to me as a closet-wannabe-writer!

i hope so, because she makes me laugh, and she's one tough minded chicky and one smart cookie!  plus the Simple Sundays is her creation =) 

intrepid--a blogger who's somewhat mysterious, but whose writing and blog ideas i thoroughly enjoy reading :D  also, with myself not being very well traveled...i'm looking forward to finding out where he's been and what he's done! 

and last, but NOT least ;)...brent, who never ceases to crack me up or send me off snickering.  *teehee*  plus, i just LOOVEE his nested commenting system.  its super cool. LOL. :D  i dont know if he likes awards, but im giving him this one anyway. neener-neener-neeeenerrrrr!

i am looking forward to getting to know all of you better!!  i am thankful for your expressions of creativity--whatever they may be.  in one way or another, they all inspire a part of me to laugh, think, appreciate life and dream!     

have a wonderful rest of your sunday!! **HUGS**

~jos~
 

back in the land of cheese and brats

hey!!

(oh by the way...that's not "brats" like kids...that's "brats" like bratwurst. LOL!)

welp im back in the "blog office" again.  we just got back from a fun, exciting trip to visit some friends and do some sight-seeing in the south!  yep, us yanks (me, hubby and the dog) went down to atlanta for hubby to visit a friend and for me to catch up with my old friend from high school!  remember the girl i said i hadnt seen in 15 years?  well, she lives near atlanta as well so i spent a few days with her and we had a BLAST! =D

we spent one afternoon leafing thru tons of old pix and looking through my high school scrapbook.  we laughed so hard i thought i'd finally cough up my tonsils!! hahah!!!  for example, here's something goofy i kept:

fry box from 1989!isnt it funny how almost 20 years later you ask yourself WHY in the heck you'd save a mcd's fry container? LOL!  i mean, i've seen WAYyyyy too many of those in my life ;)  but, this one holds a special memory! 

kelly and i also laughed so hard at a rap we wrote (of course, we rapped it again--and still had it memorized! hehe!!), some goofy pictures we drew of our boyfriends (hers was drawn as a clown LOL) and a strange comic strip sort of thing we wrote about a guy we knew that evolved into a basketball-playing frog.  HAHA!! 

oh now, come on, you did weerd stuff like that in high school, too!  and some of you probably still do ;) teehee!

then we spent the evening in a 7-acre corn maze.  it was SO AWESOME!!  strangely enough, with me being a hoosier, this was the first corn maze i've been in.  *hehe*  we went at night, so we had maglites in hand.  we got thru it in about an hour and 15 minutes!

it was hard to leave the next day, kinda like a slumber party you never want to end...but im hoping to get back down there again in the next year.  i feel so blessed to be able to reconnect with someone i thought i may never see again. 

altho we've both changed in a lot of ways, we still have it in us to act like a coupla goofballs and cut it up!!  and in that 15 years we've each been thru a lot and can shed some light on situations in each others' lives for some perspective.  kelly is a special friend and i am so glad she's back in my life!!  love ya, kel!  *HUGS*

on the trek back home, hubby & i stayed in asheville, NC for a night and visited the Biltmore Estate.  it was breathtaking!  and more than anything, the perfect fall weather made the whole visit perfect. (in addition to all the yummy chicken and biscuits and sausage gravy everywhere we ate. LOL)

a view from Biltmore courtyard--wouldn't you love this back yard??

me, enjoying some mochaccino and lookin a bit haggard from all the driving *hehe*

 

 

 

 

 

 

sooooo now we're home and getting back into the swing of real life.  it wasnt a glamorous or lengthy getaway, but it was nice to well...get away. hehe :)  i gotta lotta re-evaluating to do on my diet and just some lifestyle habits in general...which you will definitely be hearing about in the very near future :D

well, i should hop offa here for now--hope you all are having a GREAT week!!!

and kel, this is for you! ROTFL!!! >;-D

excerpt from the evolution of kermi. 1990. :)

ttys!!

~jos~

life's good :)

heyyyyy :D



i know i know, its been a few weeks. honestly, ive thought of blogging tons of times, but what i thought of to say was just so repetitive. redundant. the same ole. hehe. i have finally (mostly) gotten out of my stressful-thinking-about-what-if-about-my-health rut. obviously i am still doing some reading and working on tweaking my diet, but i am busier, and it helps! hubby and i started going to a SNAP Fitness nearby and it feels awesome to do some weight training!! i despise cardio machines, but i force myself to walk on the treadmill at least while usually watching some goofy HGTV show or game show that gets my mind off how much i hate cardio machines. LOL! i have also been doing yoga at home (cant afford to do classes and SNAP both!) and it feels good to be sticking with that again.



what really helped me get out of my rut was going to see my naturopath a few weeks ago for a 6ish month checkup! as soon as she saw me come thru the door she said, "JOSEY! oh my gosh! you look so wonderful!" i guess i just thought i had a bit of a tan, and that's it. LOL. but the last time she saw me was a month after my laparoscopy, and i was pretty beaten down. she commented that my skin, eyes and even hair looked "vibrant and healthy." sounds cheesey, but i REALLY needed that!!



i mean, we look at ourselves every day in the mirror and dont say things like that to ourselves. heck, i would guess most of us dont make it a point to notice if we DO look better. i suppose i have lost another 10lb or so since seeing her last.



she spent 2.5 hours with me chatting about the changes i've made and finding about how im feeling now. right away during the exam she mentioned me having digestive issues, and i was so glad she figured that out. its basically caused from all the years of eating crap--mainly FAST FOOD --and has just built up inside me and is causing lots of ickies. so, for the next month i am focusing in on that cause having those problems is no fun!!!



in fact...im seriously thinking about just ditching fast food forever. ohhhh the pain of thinking of no more big mac special sauce or oreo sundaes from BK!! :'(



but here's the thing--in the last month, every single time i eat out (usually fast food), just a few hours later i go on this funky sneezing fest! then for the next 2-3 days i am miserable--sneezing, stuffed, chapped nose, headache, etc... i told my naturopath about it and she said as time passes and we rid our bodies of built-up toxins (or even sometimes if we are just wayyyy too overloaded with them), we become more sensitive to when we consume them (or even use them on our bodies). i believe it!!



so, this is a VERY good deterrent for me to NOT eat fast food. in fact, i was telling my hubby just last nite that im almost to the point of not feeling as if it is a "treat" anymore. it just makes me miserable after snarfing it! in many ways i am thankful for this because my battle with fast food has snowballed into a lot of stress for me lately. not only do i not want to participate in the sneeze-fest, but it is more apparent to me that what is in that "food" is not being accepted by my body. its trying to tell me something!!



so let's see. what else is goin on here...? *thinks*



well, one thing that has really helped me this last week especially, is a good old buddy of mine whom i've gotten back in touch with this summer. she moved away my senior year of high school and we've not seen each other since (15 years if you MUST know. )!



i am actually going to visit her at the end of october and am SO EXCITED! how she has helped me is to completely re-inspire me to be enthusiastic about eating healthily and just getting healthy in general. despite her own limitations because of weight, health issues, and habits, in the last few weeks she has gone from eating fast food 2 or more times a day and not being able to handle walking around the grocery store to shopping once a week for almost all her meals, COOKING, and going on walks or 15 minute dance sessions around the house!!



...and her mood has drastically improved, and she doesnt feel as winded walking up stairs...and she is totally stoked about eating home-cooked food! ISNT THAT AWESOME??



and here i am, miss "i know all about nutrition and exercise," whining that i cant have fast food, making excuses to skip exercising, and crying about poor-me-why-is-life-so-unfair!!!



i have absosmurfly NO REASON to be like that!



kelly has helped me reassess my thinking and realize how fortunate i am to have the knowledge i do. what a waste for me to not follow thru. i am so thrilled to be here for her and help her along her journey, but she has no clue how much she is inspiring me as well. she has many more limitations than me, but she is doing it anyway! we'll both have bumps in the road, but i couldnt be happier to be able to share struggles AND successes with her in this area of life!! it is making a difference in her happiness already!!



welp alrighty, i should head outta here. gonna skip on over to the gym soon! have an AWESOME week!!!!



~jos~

i'm back!

wow, its been quite a while since i've written...but to me, it seems like only a week or so ago!! hehe!



well, all our guests have come and gone...in quite a blink of an eye 8^| we had an AWESOME time, first with my sister, hubby, daughter and son staying with us for 4 days...then the kids stayed for the following week.



then, while the kids were still here, one of my hubby's old buddies was passing thru town, and his wife and kids stayed with us for the weekend. during that time we had a cookout/get together for the "crew" of old friends since the one was back in town...so that was a blast having everyone over! :D



so, over the span of 2 weeks, we went from just me and hubby (and the pets of course LOL) to as many as 6 more people staying in the house...plus around 15 for the day when we had the cookout. we had so much fun and im so bored now that everyone's gone! HAHAH!!



okay well, so not to be a downer, but this week my motivation has been NIL. it sucks!! i havent eaten well, i havent even showered every day! i've been watching tons of tv, which i rarely do, and havent really been a very good domestic princess! LOL! ;)



i know most of it is because i went from being so busy and organized while everyone was here--which i loved--but then BAM! they were all gone, so now its back to the old routine and it is so slow-paced *hehe* i know i would be so much happier having a kid to take care of or SOMETHING...!!! hopefully one day that will be true :)



then, in just a few short weeks is my bday! i was reallllllly hoping to be under 200 (aka my 10% loss goal) for that. i still might, if i get my act together ASAP. i dont want this to be another bday where i say..."if i'd have only stuck with it i could have reached that goal!!" ah well. i guess i cant whine...because i HAVE lost about 20lb this year, and that is something to be proud of, right?? RIGHT! :D



well i did manage to get some things done around the house today...sheets washed...clean clothes and towels put away...beds remade...and ive got a few other things in progress...and i do feel better :)



i just feel like im starting to get too hard on myself, cause for some reason if i lose my motivational groove then i eat junk, start to get all hermity, and start feeling sorry for myself. you know, all that mean self-talk like "you are a fat slob! look at all those other pretty women!" and "you are such a bad wife...you have all day to keep this house clean and you havent done a thing!"



and the worst one for me..."you'll never be healthier, so why even bother??"



welp, im telling myself now that i am NOT a fat slob, that im a GREAT wife (im pretty sure hubby thinks so! ), and i AM healthier than i was a year ago...baby steps!!!



hmmm i guess this post is turning out to be a cheer-up letter to myself. LOL! well, im allowed to do that so dangit i am!! :) i suppose cheering ourselves up is something we're not really programmed to do, is it?



many times we expect others in our lives to be RIGHT there, anytime we need something (esp our significant other). well...sometimes they are...but if they arent (putting aside the reason!), we cant just curl up in our own ball of self-pity and play the martyr just to have an excuse to do nothing and whine!! this is typical of me!!



i rarely say it out loud, but its what goes through my head and sometimes its really damaging. not only does it push me deeper into my pity party, but then i treat others around me in a negative way.



that's not fair. no one's perfect, and when i need a pat on the back or some encouragement and there's no one there to dispense it, i need to give it to myself!!



im finding that's part of growing up i dont like it, tho. LOL. but i am doing it right now, because i know there is no reason to keep choosing to feel that way, when i have so many other things to be thankful for and happy about. so THERE, bad mood! BE GONE!! (LOL, i know, im a freak LOL)



okay, well its time for me to skedattle for now! we are going to hubby's company party for the summer later today, and im making chicken quesadillas. should be a great time!!



its almost the weekend...ENJOY!!!



~jos~

be kind to you :)

(courtesy of sparkpeople.com's Healthy Reflections)



If you met yourself, would you want to stick around and talk? Are you the kind of person others can be proud of? Hopefully you are, because that's who will be with you for your entire life. Your values and beliefs create a pretty good picture of what you want to see in the mirror. To be proud of yourself, do everything you can to make real life look like that vision. Find people that have the qualities you want and learn from them. Becoming a person you like gives you the confidence that you're someone worth being friends with. There's also a flip side to the friendship coin--you also need to cut yourself as much slack as you do your friends. You have friends because you see the good in them, not the flaws. You like them the way they are, warts and all. You enjoy their company and root for them to be happy and do their best. Look at yourself the same way. To be a good friend to yourself, accept your blemishes, while still pushing yourself to reach your full potential. Don't harp on your weaknesses. Take another look in the mirror and be kinder this time.

what an awesome reminder!! it really is a double-whammy...first, to remember to surround yourself with people you can learn from and look up to; not folks who drag you down!



and second, dont drag YOURSELF down! since my motto this year is being kinder to myself, this was perfect. even half way thru the year now, i STILL am working on the negative self-talk and learning instead of whining when i fall short of a goal. taking a more loving, accepting attitute toward others AND ourselves is a healthy way to live!!



have you talked to any old friends lately? a friend that you used to "click" with, who always made you feel great and you've just lost touch? if not, i encourage you to track one down and pick up where you left off!! rekindling that friendship might even help you find some of the traits you thought you lost over the years...to bring out that "old" self of yours. love, enjoy and nurture the friendships in your life; they are priceless!!!



have a wonderful weekend...and happy father's day!!!



~josey~

ramblin time!

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!! =)



yes, yes im still here!! i know its been a couple weeks. but im sure you can guess what i’ve been doing after reading my last post…yup, hangin out at the fast food joints! ACK!!! okay well not quite that bad, but not very good, either. i definitely didnt get under 200 during the month of may. and im DEFINITELY never going to make another promise in this blog, because i think im hard-wired to break them!! LOL!! esp when it comes to food.



welllp lets start with the good stuff :) im still hovering around 206-208. so i havent gained! even better is that i’ve been consistently active. YAY!



i’ve been going to yoga 2-3 times a week, and absosmurfly LOVELOVELOVE it. it makes me feel so strong! (and sore all the time…haha…but that will eventually go away!) and now that i’ve finally got most of the poses down, i have been more able to concentrate on the breathing. that has worked miracles on my anxiety!! and it just gives me energy and focus. i love it.



im not trying to be all new-agey-nerdy, but im serious, i wish i’d have started yoga years ago. its just an all-around good-for-you thing to do. and dont EVEN think i dont sweat my butt off doing it!! LOL! its not like little wimpy stretches for an hour. the poses take tons of balance and strength, and surprisingly ive noticed a difference in especially my upper body strength even in the last few weeks.



my teacher is awesome, and really encourages everyone in the class to modify the poses to their own comfort level and ability. she is in her 50s, and she looks GOOD. i want to look good when im in my 50s, too! heck i wanna look good NOW! haha!!



i also ended up getting a summer membership to the athletic club where the yoga class is. im doing weight training once a week, and will work up to twice a week soon. it also gives me access to any of the other classes they have—one i want to try is called Zumba. its some sort of latin dance aerobics or something. all i know is i peeked in the door and it looked fun!



im getting an okay amount of cardio just doing yoga (all that breathing is good for your heart and lungs, believe me!), and i also ride my bike occasionally, but an aerobics class once in a while might be fun!



OH and this weekend, me and the hubby got a portable basketball hoop for the driveway!! he loves shootin hoops, and even tho i totally suck at it, i have fun doing it with him *hehe* and its awesome aerobic exercise—and all i have to do is walk outside to do it. this summer i have NO EXCUSES to be sitting on my butt!! that’s for sure!!!



another thing i’ve started doing is volunteering at a local agricultural institute. its an awesome organization that promotes organic/sustainable farming and students pretty much run the gardens as part of internships or practicums. they also get volunteers to help keep things running smoothly.



that’s what i love about the little town i live in! there are tons of local farms that are organic and free-range. the ag institute also has a little market where they sell a lot of the produce and local dairy/meat. i love shopping there!



anyhoo, last week was my first week of helping out, and they had me working with a 15-year-old kid from Germany! he’s here for the summer on a practicum. he was really interesting! and somehow, i kept up with him while we hacked down plants, hauled compost and did some harvesting. i was so glad it was fairly cool out or im sure i would have wimped out! LOL! we worked from 8-noon. i’ll be doing that every week now—and i also get a huge bag of fresh produce every time for doing it! WOOHOO!



in other news, my 15-year high school class reunion is next month. LOL…yes, now you know how YOUNG i am ;) i guess i’ve never really planned on going, mostly just because i really dont feel like i’ve done much with my life.



now now, im not being a sad-sack! its just that all my old buddies have kids, which to me, really gives you so much to talk about. who wants to hear about me, one of the honor students who got a college degree and doesnt use it, and now gets to work from home a few hours a week and pretty much do whatever else i want to do with my time?? LOL!!!



and all i have to brag about is my 4 cats and dog…i do NOT want to be labeled as the freaky pet person! HAHA!! ;) even tho i love my life, im somewhat embarassed!! i know, its that old high school mentality taking over, comparing myself to others. DUMB. im sure they dont care. i just dont want it to be a bad experience, ya know? ive had enough of that lately! hehe!!



i suppose another reason i dont feel like going is that it might be super awkward for me if certain other people are there and i dont want to make them feel weerd, either. its just not been long enough i guess for me to be desperate to see a lot of my classmates. several of them have actually emailed me lately, and i love it!!! they all sound so happy and i am sooo happy for them. hopefully i’ll keep in contact with them even after the reunion time is over.



and of course i dont want people to come up to me and say, “i dont remember you…?” since i weigh about 80lb more than i did 15 years ago! LOL! im sure im not the only one, but sometimes i just dont feel like “the old me.” is that just what happens when you get older? the “old you” just fades away and you get slapped with a new, funky body and image? ROTFL!



ahhh anyhoo, enough rambling about that. i’m pretty sure i wont be going, but i guess there’s always a chance i may change my mind. i’ll let you know!



whew! welp, i guess i’ll go for now! oh and FYI, my goal for this month is once again, to attempt to find ONE-derland! (that’s under 200.) im not going to force myself into totally giving up ANYTHING, either. its all about moderation this month and continuing to be active. AND most of all, being kind to myself, inside AND out. i deserve it, dangit!!!



have an awesome day!!!!! im off to make a cup of green tea…



~jos~

how do i love me?

good morning!



i just wanted to drop you a line, cause i JUST had an ah-ha! moment...a God Breeze...a revelation...whatever you wanna call it! see, i have two super awesome online buddies *waves atta shellers and trac!!* whom i met through sparkpeople (which, btw, is an amazing--and free--resource for getting healthy).



these two girls get me through so much! they listen to all my crap and always offer sound advice and encouragement. (plus, they both just crack me up with their awesome senses of humor!!!) we are all "weighed down" with the same struggles...and being brutally honest about our failures AND successes just feels darned good! ANYHOO...



shellers sent me an email a bit ago and is just having one of those days. you know, those days when there just arent enough fast food places to visit and cram your face full of every greasy, yummy food you can think of? heheh! one minute you want salty, the next its sweet, then salty, then sweet...then who knows!! the cycle never ends. you come off a sugar rush and start craving it again. you have a headache and know that a little jolt will coax it away.



but...at the end of the day...what did you accomplish? GOSH i cant even count how many days of my life have been THIS KIND OF DAY!!! and even tho i had this God Breeze just moments ago (which i will tell you in one sec!), i know i will still have these days in the future. im human. sadly. *LOL!!!*



so anyhoo, here's my revelation! shellers' email prompted me to respond...and in the process of responding i really learned something! i love it when that happens. you just start that brain process and the next thing you know, WOW, you said something intelligible and new! its like something clicked. so...to save me a little typing, here's an excerpt of my response to her:

"so hey this is something that i've really been trying to drive into my brain lately. when we go on our emotional rollercoaster eating, all the time we are thinking in the backs of our minds "this is bad food, im a bad person for eating it, im so stupid! but im going to eat it anyway!" would the next line possibly be..."cause i deserve it!" ACK! stop and think about that a minute. no im serious--stop reading this for a minute and THINK...does that make sense??? does your body really deserve no nutrition, tons of preservatives, sugar, caffiene, headache, and worst of all--growing fat cells??? obviously no. *heheh* so this is what i've been trying to do--remove the word BAD in regards to food and replace it with "unhealthy" or "not nutritious." and remove the word BAD and STUPID in regards to ourselves and realize we are NOT stuffing our faces because we are BAD or STUPID...but because we are lacking! (and NO, not in intelligence! LOL) we are lacking a love for ourselves. we are lacking in a relationship between our mind and body! i know it sounds cheesey, but i truly believe it! i mean think about it, if we really loved ourselves, why would we gorge on krispy kremes, mocha lattes, fried chicken and mcds in a mindless frenzy???



okay, so that was definitely a lecture. but dont feel bad! i've been lecturing it to myself (in a loving way! hehehe ) since i read that Body Clutter book! obviously we all have a long way to go...but taking that one step to realize we need to be more kind to ourselves will make a HUGE difference. when i pig out, i think im loving myself by comforting myself. but im not--im cramming my body with crap it cant use and in the end i feel horrible mentally AND physically. and the longer i do it, the more likely it is i'll gain weight. i'm realizing quite clearly that this fight with weight loss really isnt about the rolls on my gut or the cellulite on my thighs! its about my feelings about myself and the instant gratification scene.



so if you are still wiping powdered sugar off your face, stop and think about if that donut really puts love in your body (not to mention your complexion!) and if that DC [diet coke] is really hydrating you!"

okay...so i have to admit, i dont really know all the reasons why i dont love myself. i mean, yeah, obviously i dont like the way i look! but i know there's a lot of reasons deep down that i havent discovered yet. they will come in time, but its going to be a tough crackin' cause im stubborn and my perfectionistic side thinks i can devise some diet or exercise plan that will solve it all! so im working on that...hehehe!



so there you have it...another crazy blog entry. i know you're probably thinking im crazy or just very obsessed or neurotic or, well, i donno. all i know is that it feels good to put my thoughts down, and i can type much faster than i can write!



time to go Bless My Heart (exercise!) for 15 minutes! its my goal for the next two weeks. hope you find some time to do it, too!



~jos~