i just wanted to drop you a line, cause i JUST had an ah-ha! moment...a God Breeze...a revelation...whatever you wanna call it! see, i have two super awesome online buddies *waves atta shellers and trac!!* whom i met through sparkpeople (which, btw, is an amazing--and free--resource for getting healthy).
these two girls get me through so much! they listen to all my crap and always offer sound advice and encouragement. (plus, they both just crack me up with their awesome senses of humor!!!) we are all "weighed down" with the same struggles...and being brutally honest about our failures AND successes just feels darned good! ANYHOO...
shellers sent me an email a bit ago and is just having one of those days. you know, those days when there just arent enough fast food places to visit and cram your face full of every greasy, yummy food you can think of? heheh! one minute you want salty, the next its sweet, then salty, then sweet...then who knows!! the cycle never ends. you come off a sugar rush and start craving it again. you have a headache and know that a little jolt will coax it away.
but...at the end of the day...what did you accomplish? GOSH i cant even count how many days of my life have been THIS KIND OF DAY!!! and even tho i had this God Breeze just moments ago (which i will tell you in one sec!), i know i will still have these days in the future. im human. sadly. *LOL!!!*
so anyhoo, here's my revelation! shellers' email prompted me to respond...and in the process of responding i really learned something! i love it when that happens. you just start that brain process and the next thing you know, WOW, you said something intelligible and new! its like something clicked. so...to save me a little typing, here's an excerpt of my response to her:
"so hey this is something that i've really been trying to drive into my brain lately. when we go on our emotional rollercoaster eating, all the time we are thinking in the backs of our minds "this is bad food, im a bad person for eating it, im so stupid! but im going to eat it anyway!" would the next line possibly be..."cause i deserve it!" ACK! stop and think about that a minute. no im serious--stop reading this for a minute and THINK...does that make sense??? does your body really deserve no nutrition, tons of preservatives, sugar, caffiene, headache, and worst of all--growing fat cells??? obviously no. *heheh* so this is what i've been trying to do--remove the word BAD in regards to food and replace it with "unhealthy" or "not nutritious." and remove the word BAD and STUPID in regards to ourselves and realize we are NOT stuffing our faces because we are BAD or STUPID...but because we are lacking! (and NO, not in intelligence! LOL) we are lacking a love for ourselves. we are lacking in a relationship between our mind and body! i know it sounds cheesey, but i truly believe it! i mean think about it, if we really loved ourselves, why would we gorge on krispy kremes, mocha lattes, fried chicken and mcds in a mindless frenzy???
okay, so that was definitely a lecture. but dont feel bad! i've been lecturing it to myself (in a loving way! hehehe ) since i read that Body Clutter book! obviously we all have a long way to go...but taking that one step to realize we need to be more kind to ourselves will make a HUGE difference. when i pig out, i think im loving myself by comforting myself. but im not--im cramming my body with crap it cant use and in the end i feel horrible mentally AND physically. and the longer i do it, the more likely it is i'll gain weight. i'm realizing quite clearly that this fight with weight loss really isnt about the rolls on my gut or the cellulite on my thighs! its about my feelings about myself and the instant gratification scene.
so if you are still wiping powdered sugar off your face, stop and think about if that donut really puts love in your body (not to mention your complexion!) and if that DC [diet coke] is really hydrating you!"
okay...so i have to admit, i dont really know all the reasons why i dont love myself. i mean, yeah, obviously i dont like the way i look! but i know there's a lot of reasons deep down that i havent discovered yet. they will come in time, but its going to be a tough crackin' cause im stubborn and my perfectionistic side thinks i can devise some diet or exercise plan that will solve it all! so im working on that...hehehe!
so there you have it...another crazy blog entry. i know you're probably thinking im crazy or just very obsessed or neurotic or, well, i donno. all i know is that it feels good to put my thoughts down, and i can type much faster than i can write!
time to go Bless My Heart (exercise!) for 15 minutes! its my goal for the next two weeks. hope you find some time to do it, too!
~jos~
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