welp, im finally on my way! yes…i can finally see my goals laid out before me, ready to be worked hard for and celebrated!! :)
but before i delve into my current situation, let me back up a bit and tell you my story. ***warning!!! once i get started, there’s no stopping me…i am THE queen of babble, so prepare yourself!*** *hehe!*
i have struggled with extra weight pretty much since college began. i worked a year between high school and college, and during that year i ate and ate and ate (a LOT of junk food—nutty bars to be exact), mostly because i was lonely and a bit depressed!
all my friends, and boyfriend went off to college and i was pretty bummed. i did exercise some then at a local gym, but not consistently enough to make any kind of difference. im pretty sure by the time i started college in the fall of ‘93, id gained about 15-20lb! (which put me around 150.)
then throughout college i worked out a lot, but my diet was HORRIBLE, and by the time i got married in september of ‘97, i weighed about 185. then after being married, having some problems, having easy access to fast food, and especially working in a group home (TERRIBLE diet/fattening government food, NO exercise!!), i settled at 250. YIKES! 250lb on my little 5’3 frame.
now ive never been *that* petite, id say i have medium bone structure. im just short! *lol* ;)
but i think one of the most damaging parts of all that weight has been the mental burden. until about two years ago when i actually started losing some pounds, things were pretty bad. i wasnt my happy, chipper, bubbly self. i didnt want anyone to see me—a lot of times not even my own family. id see recent pictures of me and cry because that couldnt be me!! (sometimes that still hurts!)
and of course you can imagine how that could hurt a marriage, since my self-esteem was pretty much nil. i felt ugly, unattractive, and unworthy no matter what my husband said (which were always positive things).
but because *i* didnt love myself, i couldnt really accept it from him or anyone else. it took a very long time to change my self-talk, to stop comparing myself to other women. a single day never went by when i didnt remind myself how fat and gross i was, how i didnt look good in that shirt, how it was hard to bend over and tie my shoes, how…etc…you see what i mean.
i dont think anyone can ever really, sincerely understand how an overweight person can feel unless they’ve been there. and the saddest part was that i had all the knowledge and resources to lose that weight—i just couldnt stick with it. i guess it didnt hurt bad enough!
plus, i was impatient, and you know how it goes…sometimes its hard to be patient for something you want so badly even tho you know thats what you HAVE TO DO.
so, for several years, it was a vicious cycle of trying, being hopeful, not succeeding and then falling deeper into that pit of despair and negative self talk…
…until in 2000 when i moved back near my family, and a good friend and i began going on bike rides, doing exercise videos (even richard simmons! LOLOL we laughed a lot during those hehe), and lifting weights together. i didn’t change my diet at all.
over the course of that year, i lost nearly 50lb! :-O and the time really flew by when i just stuck with it!
the next year i got a bit lazy—i think cause i was so happy about my new weight and look and i felt sooo good…and i didnt gain any until starting around christmas of 2002 when my marriage started to crumble (long story—not relevant to this blog!).
i thought i was under 200 until i weighed myself…YIKES! i was almost at 215! :( and i didnt even realize it! i have remained between 205-215 since then.
now back to the present! i have since remarried and have a wonderful husband who is on the same trek to a happy, healthy life as i am! he has been my inspiration to strive toward what i *REALLY* want in my life.
in fact in retrospect, i realize now i didnt even know what i wanted out of life until i met him. this year has definitely been the toughest yet as far as this journey to better health goes. i have gained more knowledge than i ever knew i could—but i have been THE most inconsistent than i ever knew i could! HAHA!!
but seriously, that’s been tough mentally. on top of the healthy part of losing weight, obviously i want to LOOK good, too! i cant wait till i can look down and see my cute bellybutton with NO ROLLS! *giggle* and i can wear tank tops *any*where and know my arms look sexy and toned…and my legs look athletic instead of like i sit on my butt all day!!!!! ;)
anyhoo, now its down to crunch time. next year i’ll be 32. no, i dont have any kidlings yet. but we’re seriously talking about it and i realize that if i am going to get healthy this is prime time to do so!
i dont want to be a health freak (as some might say), but i want to take responsibility of my health and do everything i can to have a good, long, quality life. i want to be a good example to my family, husband, kids and heck, even grandkids someday!
(okay man i’m gettin way out on a tangent here…back to the essential reason for this blog!)
this month, as a last-ditch effort, i joined weight watchers at work. i need it for the structure and the accountability. so far its working—i’ve lost 3lb! :) YAY!
i wont use it forever, but i want to get a good jump-start; at least under 200. my goal for december is 5lb and I CAN DO THIS!
my poor metabolism has been stuck for so long, so in addition to eating well (a combo of WW core plan and The Abs Diet book, which by the way is great reading!), ive made a little calendar of exercise for the whole month that I AM STICKING to. i made it easy, so i cant wimp out and give up ;)
this blog will capture most of my days—my triumphs, big and small…my struggles and how i deal…my ideas, ones that work and ones that dont…and my motivations and inspirations!!
i have to admit, if no one reads this i wont mind because its therapy to me to get this all out. ive got a lot to work thru—inside and out. but if you’ve got something to share with me, please, dont be bashful! i’d love to know what you’re going thru and any advice you have to share.
welp, its gettin late so time to go read for a while before nitenite. its almost friday—YAY. talk to ya soon!
~jos~
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