what's the real reason?

hey all! :D

so yesterday i was sitting around, thinking about all the weight i still have to lose, which is another 50lb to get to my goal of 150 (i have already lost an additional 50lb—7 years ago).  i turned the clock back 15 years to when i graduated high school *mr rogers neighborhood of make believe sound*LOL*…i was a normal-sized-8 person, 5’3” and 130lb.  when i look at those old pix, i see ME.  i see my jaw line, sparkling eyes, normal arms and legs, and i just have a comfortable look about me.  i didnt think i was fat then; or more like, i didnt obsess about it and compare myself constantly like i do now (altho i am better than i used to be!!).  i mean sure, there was always the friend who was skinnier, but i was okay with that.  i didnt place my self-worth on the fact that i was “bigger” than someone else. 

then i worked for a year before going to college. first it was my job at pizza hut that i’d had for 2 years in high school…but then i switched to an office job for the summer to make a little more money since college startin soon.  yep, sitting on my butt, answering the switchboard.  and you know what started me gaining weight??  NUTTY BARS.  yes, nutty bars!!  those superooperyummy crispy layers of wafer, peanut butter and chocolate that are so fun to pull apart and savor each little crispy bite!! *DROOL*  well ya know what?  i must have supplied that vending machine with a buttload of cash, because almost every day i worked during the summer of ‘93 i hate (proofreading—whoa, i think that was a freudian slip…i meant “ate.” LOL) TWO packages of them.  that’s FOUR nutty bars.  EEP!!  i remember close to the end of the summer my waistband feeling tight.  i’d never felt that before cause i’d never been overweight.  it didnt even occur to me i was eating too much junk! :-O  i gained 10-15lb BEFORE i even started college!! LOL!

so to jump ahead, by the year 2000 i weighed about 250lb.  7 years of cramming my face with crap is what it was.  now that i can look back and be honest with myself, i know i found comfort and solace in food.  of course, its the typical woman’s plea!  but its true—i ate when i was sad, bored, stressed…AND happy.  and it usually wasnt anything healthy—dining commons food, taco bell, dairy queen and pop tarts in college…afterward, fast food became my thing.  id eat brekky at home, but then within the 10 minutes it took me to drive to work it was almost like the food magically disappeared from my stomach, and i would stop and get brekky, which was of course a meal of OJ, some fried potato and a brekky sandwich.  then i’d brown bag it for lunch, sometimes eating it before lunch! :\  then on the way home i was craving more fast food, so i’d get a sandwich and of course you cant have the sandwich without fries!!  and some days if i was stressed, i’d get TWO sandwiches, and maybe even a shake!!  THEN i’d go home and cook dinner, and eat that, too!!  what in the heck!?!?!  and all the time it was just like a mechanical movement, hand-to-mouth-chewchew-swallow-repeat, probably not ever feeling a stomach growl, but feeling like i was constantly starving…

then in mid-2000 i got a job that i actually either walked to or rode my bike.  i didnt have a car available to me most days, so it was no biggie to take 3 or 4 minutes to ride there.  even during the winters i would walk most days, and i actually enjoyed it!  i didnt realize it, but im sure i was losing weight then.  i also didnt eat fast food hardly as much since i didnt have a car, but i did eat a lot of junk at work sometimes.  i remember sitting at my desk after lunch and seriously putting my head down and checking out for a few minutes at a time.  i could barely keep my eyes open!  i was so tired, stressed about my current life’s situation (that’s another story. lol), and my body was rollercoastering on candy bars, donuts and hot chocolate i would get from the gas station across the street.  it gave me some temporary happiness.

then a friend and i started riding our bikes after work.  she would be waiting for me at my house when i got there, so i had no excuse to skip!!  it was only about 5 or 6 miles each night, but we laughed and cut it up the whole time, and some days we had those philosophical talks that only one can have while your legs are burning and the occasional bug smacks you in the forehead. *hehe*  we’d also do richard simmons vids on the days it was raining, and yes, i really enjoyed them!  we were both goofballs anyhoo, so laughing at richard’s antics and stuff made the workout that much better.  good times!!  i never changed what i ate, but i exercised most days of the week…and by the end of 2000, i’d lost nearly 40lb!

so…why am i telling you all this??  well first, if you’re new to my blog, you probably don’t know much about me.  my archives could clue you in, especially my first post ever.  but, in case you’re not that motivated to check it out, now you know a bit, plus a bit more! hehe!  second, yesterday when i was thinking about all that weight i still have to lose, i started to question myself.  what’s the REAL reason i want to lose it?  i think deep down i feel it will solve all my problems.  like magic!  i mean, skinny sexy girls have perfect lives, right?  no health issues, they look in the mirror every day happy and satisfied, all of their relationships are great, they can wear whatever they want, they never have bad hair days…*rambles on and on*…  *SIGH* yeah okay, i know that’s totally illogical!  but when you so desperately want to have control of your weight back, this is the kind of reasoning that comes into play.  okay well at least for me.

i wonder what it will be like.

to be me again.

will i really be happier?  what about the mental issues—will i still compare myself?  will i still beat myself up if i gain a few pounds?  will i put myself down?  WHAT IS THE REAL REASON??  and why am i even asking myself THAT question?  cause that’s how i am.  i have to know the reasons for everything.  i’m like the annoying little kid that asks, “why?” and then asks “why?” again when you answer the first time. LOL!  except i do it to myself, and its like this crazy, brightly-colored spiral swirling around in my brain and i just get sucked up by it. *teehee*  NO, im not insane or a freak (okay some may argue with the latter).  i’m glad im questioning myself.  cause one day when i’ve reached my goal, i’ll know why it was so important to me, and it wont be cause i wanted to be skinny.  in fact, i really dont know what the REAL reason is.  i do know i want to be healthier, and i want to live a long, quality life with my husband and hopefully kids one day.  maybe there’s not one real reason anyway.  im learning that the journey produces other reasons along the way…things we gain wisdom from, that make life better and remind us why we are here.

yeah, i like that.

have a good weekend *HUGS*

~jos~