boundaries or compassion?

happy saturday!! :)

part of this new path i'm moseying along includes remembering to be grateful for the people i have in my life.  it also includes choosing healthy, happy relationships that are mutually nurturing and beneficial.  while most of my relationships meet that standard, there are a few that don't.

while i was perusing my facebook feed today, i came across this:

so wow...that's one way to look at it; one way i typically don't when it comes to certain people in my life.  i tend to have the knee jerk reaction of feeling used instead, especially after the fact :(
 
i immediately felt the need to share this because i have been struggling with this exact thing for a long time!  i must post this disclaimer, though--i feel a bit high-schoolish downloading these feelings. lol. but it's something i'm sure we all deal with, right?  i'm hoping i can get some outside perspectives to help me out here!

i have learned over the years that friendships come and go, and that it's okay if you outgrow each other or if other circumstances divert your paths. while it's not always easy letting go, new relationships ease the loss and many times are just what you need at that time in life!  not everyone is meant to be bffs :)

i've never been the kind of person to do the "pruning" of relationships in my life. lol. people just seem to naturally come and go.  but currently there are a few relationships that fit this "only remember you when they need you" profile.  with them, i tend to have that aforementioned knee jerk reaction which leaves me feeling crappy, sometimes mad, and other times sad.

there's a part of me that wants to remember to "feel privileged" and keep a positive, grateful perspective when these people come around.  that part of me feels an obligation in my heart to be compassionate to those folks, and be grateful they feel they can trust me and lean on me in times of trouble or need.  i also would feel terrible cutting those people out because a few of them may not have anyone else to turn to.  in my case, these particular people aren't a big part of my life--don't live closeby--and i don't have regular contact and their lives don't really intersect with mine on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis.  but, i still feel used by them and try as i might, i just cant shake the feeling!

do you ever set a boundary with people who only appear in your life now and then to take and never give?  even if it's just emotional energy and nothing else?  where do you draw the line?  when does being "a friend" really mean that you're essentially enabling that person's bad life choices (which is why they contact you) by you being the neutral party they seem to be seeking?  or is it loyal and helpful to provide a neutral ground so that person can feel safe and loved?

for me, it's a battle with being compassionate and non-judgmental against being mindful of the kind of people i surround myself with who aren't just here to drain me of energy...and then leave me to never check in and nurture the friendship, or even inquire about how i'm doing, etc...

what're your thoughts on this?  i don't feel like i verbalized it quite how i'm feeling, but it's such a touchy subject, ya know?  hopefully those of you who have experienced this know what i mean!

i know there's not a cut and dry answer. every situation is different. but i feel like i'm swimming in a sea of confusion and a little bit of hurt, and i'm battling against two different gut feelings of my own.

i'm not really asking for advice--instead, i'd love to hear your stories, experiences, and wisdom you've gained from how you've handled relationships like these.

(((hugs!)))
~josey~

moseying down a new path

well hello! :)

if you're reading this, i'm guessing you're most likely not familiar with my old sillygolucky (stayin' silly, livin' lucky) blog and also my separate health journal from years ago, where i mostly talked about random things going on in life and journey to being more healthy.  i haven't blogged much in a few years, and a lot has happened since then!

all the archives from the old blog are here on this site now, but if you do sift through them, please pardon all the broken links, weird paragraph spacing and no longer available photos and vids.  the blog has been bopped around and transferred a few times and those things were inevitable.  but all the text is there at least!

before reading on, if you're curious as to a few key points on my journey over the last 8 years, check out these old posts:

• a great start to the end of the year! (my very first blog post ever, Dec. 2005) 
• time to heal (written after my laparoscopic surgery for endometriosis, Mar. 2007) 
• crying over chocolate cake (a day in the life of imbalanced neurotransmitters... June 2007)
• what's the real reason? (a pretty candid look at my relationship with food, Oct. 2007)
• nutrition + emotions = health (my first experience with alternative healthcare, Nov. 2007)
• mo-shmo :P~ (Feb. 2010, a not-so-positive emotional vent that pretty much sums up my rollercoaster life from then up until recently!)

okay, onward...let's just jump right into why i felt like blogging all of the sudden after all this time...

man, sometimes the more you know about food, nutrition and health, the more frustrating and discouraging it all gets.  especially when not much of the purported "right" information doesnt help you feel better or lose weight!  anyone else with me? :)  trying to lose weight and get healthier has absolutely consumed my thoughts and life for many years.  there has been a positive aspect to this here and there; but looking back, i think it has created more unhappiness than happiness. not good.

so...to get right to the point...there will be no more dieting--ever--for this girl!  it's taken several years, and several swift-kicks-in-da-bum, and lots of pints of ice cream, and lots of journaling, and even more self-reflection and even MORE confiding in close friends and my hubby (poor them! lol!) to bring me to some clarity! i guess we all have our blockhead moments ;) (and they may even last a decade. LOL!)

instead of...uh, doing everything i've been doing for the last 10 years...lol... (which has brought me 40 extra pounds, more panic attacks, bad digestion, and lots more gray hair and wrinkles...)  i am now putting all my energy into appreciating my body, doing daily visualizations of how i will look and feel, forgiving myself and others, enjoying foods of all kinds, following my passion, getting out and being active doing whatever i feel like doing and allowing joy and gratefulness for what i have and who's in my life.

not that everything's perfect, mind you. :)

to me, that all sounds so much more simple than attempting to decode what in the heck i'm supposed to be eating (paleo, traditional, low fat, blahblahblah!) and what exercise (P90X, walking, yoga, hrrmmm??) i should be doing!  i've blasted through a whole stinkin decade trying to figure that out (many dozens of books and plans and websites and gurus and diets later) and i'm heavier and unhealthier (and older, oy vey!!) than where i started!  gee, surprise surprise. (sorry for inundating you with parentheses. it's just how i think! lol.)

honestly i think that's where we all make our mistakes--throwing so much time and energy into special diets and exercise plans.  someone else's plans.  dont get me wrong, i'm not discrediting anyone's research or best-selling book.  there are a lot of fitness and health experts who have helped countless people. i've benefited from bits of info from many different sources, as i'm sure we all have and will continue to.  sure, results happen with special diets and exercise.  some people can sustain it for life, but not many. (i have a lot more thoughts on all that, probably to arise in future posts!)

in light of that, i'm finding at the root of anyone's quest for health or weight loss there almost always seems to be some missing links. and they have nothing to do food or exercise or calories or macronutrients. in fact, for me, i'm convinced the missing links are what should be addressed before diet or exercise should even come into play!

i am 100% positive that i have damaged my health MORE being so stressed about not being able to reach those goals--physically, and especially emotionally (which then in turn goes right back around to affect the physical!).

so now i'm thinking...how about a gradual, gentle change? how about some self-love, gentleness and forgiveness? how about healing emotional wounds and finding some spirituality?  how about stating things in a positive light about our future and NOW instead of beating ourselves up about the past?  why does it always have to be about finding perfect health and a body to match society's standards? 

i'm ready to slow down and allow healing :)  in some ways, this is the more challenging path.  it will take longer. it will take changing my thought patterns. it will allow letting go! *gasp*  letting go of any preconceived ideas about what i should eat, how i should exercise and all that hooey.

and so for the food part...
deep down i know what's right for me.  goodness knows i've experimented enough with my diet to know what makes me feel good and what doesnt!  and that may not be the same for someone else.  i'm releasing all the dogma against any food that's whole and natural--i know what foods are nutritious and why.  my body will tell me loud and clear what is good for me and what isn't. 

and who says you have to eat perfect to feel great, anyway?  the emotional aspect of eating--how you feel about food you're consuming--affects how we feel physically MUCH more than the foods themselves.  not that you shouldnt eat nutritious foods, silly--you know what i mean :)

so i'm not going to cut out foods anymore...i'm going to eat what i want (which is generally healthy food anyway, but not always!) and do more adding of what's nutrient dense and makes me feel good.  no more "bad" food days or "good" food days. everything else food related will fall into place once my body is no longer malnourished, and i know that could take months or longer.  and i'm cool with that.

reading over this, i kinda feel like this post exudes a little bit of anger and frustration. well, i've been angry and frustrated.  lol. ;) i'd apologize, but i'm not sorry. i'm human :)  i typically focus on the positive aspects of things and don't like to complain when it comes to publicly sharing my feelings!

but in this case, i'm sharing because i know a lot of other people who are feeling this way, too.  many friends and i have collaborated on this subject bunches of times, and typically i had a perfectly-wrapped answer and plan. (heh.)  it's time i use my own common sense and filter out the brainwashed bits and finally start living my life.  i am making a huge effort to change my thinking and focus on the positive, feeling grateful and inviting healing into my life on all levels!  i hope this encourages you to do the same if you're feeling down in the dumps about your health, no matter what your challenges are!

whew. lol.  thankfully, i'm pretty sure this is the rock bottom, so the worst is over. YAY!  now that that's out of the way, it'll be much easier to let the good stuff flow... i'd love any partners in crime for the climb back up!!

feel free to chime and tell me how you feel!  are you ready to turn over a new leaf, too?  try for a new change of scenery down a new path?  spring has begun, the perfect time for new beginnings and a fresh start. life is good!!

(((hugs!!)))
~josey~

someone's moving in...!

hello friends! =)

as much as i have loved my sillygoluckiness over the last several years (and it will never be forgotten!), i’m blazing new trails in life. :)  recently i’ve taken my love for gemstones plus my need for a creative outlet, then tossed in some wire and pliers…and turned it into a jewelry-making business!

so i have some exciting news—soon sillygolucky is moving out and peridot daisy wire & gemstone jewelry will be moving in! :)

i hope all of my old bloggy friends as well as my friends and family who have come along for the ride in my sillygolucky blog journeys will continue to do so as i run full speed into this adventure!   the new website will completely replace sillygolucky, so within a few days www.sillygolucky.com will no longer be around.  please visit www.peridotdaisy.com after that to see what’s new and exciting!

feel free to keep sillygolucky@gmail.com in your addy books—i’d love it if you’d stay in touch :)

hope to see ya’ll on the flipside!

~josey~

crying over dirty dishes

okay, so i’ve got this crazy habit of crying while i’m doing mundane chores.  (or in extreme cases, crying over chocolate cake.)  no, not because i dont wanna do them…okay well maybe sometimes. ;)  teehee. 

it always seems like it’s at these times when i STOP overanalyzing things and suddenly the light bulb flashes on and lessons i need to learn become very apparent to me.

tonite one of my closest friends called to chat.  it’s our normal thing—we talk just about every day either via email, phone or in person.  she’s one of those friends who keeps my feet on the ground, who pulls me out of the hot air balloon when i start floating away with my thoughts (typical me!).

i was expressing to her how i’m getting frustrated (once again) with my weight loss (errr, lack thereof) and unsuccessful get-healthy endeavors.  how i’m getting exhausted being obsessed with devising plan after plan to boost my health and finally reach some weight loss goals.  cause like, it’s pretty much all i think and talk about.  how i’m so tired of never following a plan through from start to finish. 

and how i’m wondering if it’s LESS healthy for me to constantly be focused on these things instead of just living my life, being grateful and happy…

she started brainstorming with me, trying to iron out my crazy deductions on why i have these stumbling blocks and maybe how i can navigate my way through or around them.

then she said to me, “josey, i just cant imagine you being any other way.  i can only see you just how you are—your beautiful amazing self. [insert a few other really nice compliments here that i cant remember!]  do you ever see yourself as beautiful?”

*blinx*

“well yes,” i said, “i certainly don’t think i’m ugly!  i mean, we all have days where we feel fat and bleh, but in general i dont think it’s a self-esteem issue.  it’s more like the extra weight is limiting me in enjoying my life physically—i dont have the stamina to do the outdoor things id like to do, my ankles/feet/knees bother me, etc…”

then i started in on how i feel so compelled to look more like i used to, like…i feel that how i look now isn’t the real me.  i pointed out to my friend that she’s only known me for a few years, and has only known me as my current chubbly self. in fact, i’m pretty sure she’s never even seen pictures of the “real me.”

we yap-trapped on for several more minutes and even though no profound solution was discovered, i felt so much better for the chat and the grounding she always naturally provides!

soooo after we hung up, i went about my business, cleaning the kitchen as usual around this time of the evening.  i was washing my daily-used-and-abused cast-iron skillet that always seems to end up sitting on the stove all day with bacon grease in it.  hehe.  it just wasnt coming clean—it kinda smelled rusty!  grrrrr…darnit.  it happens. 

then i noticed hot tears streaming down my cheeks.  HUHHRRHH??  i scrubbed that goofy cast-iron pan harder and the smell irritated me—it was rancid from the grease, too.  why couldnt it be nice and seasoned and easy to care for like it was a few months ago?       

then i stopped and asked myself, “why in the heck are you crying??”  and it hit me like a load of flamin-hot cheetos.  what my friend said about not imagining me any other way…!!!???!!!  it broke me.  it really did.  i tasted the salty tears and felt the hugemongous lump in my throat. 

i instantly made a connection to an aha! moment i had a few months ago during a 10-day “spring cleaning” cleanse i did.  on day 8, i was superdooper inside my head and wrote a post in my health journal called me, myself and i. 

in that post i mentioned a visualization meditation i love doing called “Fulfill Your Own Potential.”  it’s basically about finding your authentic self and believing that’s who you are—RIGHT NOW.  you drop all judgments of yourself.  you love yourself RIGHT NOW for who you want to be, because really, if you believe it, you are.  that’s how the world/life/karma/intentions work…what we truly think deep in our hearts and minds is what is and what will become.

anyhoo, i feel i’m randomly rambling here, counting on you to connect all my thoughts…;)

so i get it now.  all these years i’ve been trying to “undo” the way i’ve become…and why?  only because i think i’m not my real self being overweight.  with the emotional baggage.  with the maturity and wisdom i’ve gained from learning from my mistakes.  from the few gray hairs and lines around my eyes.  how can i not say this is the real me?

i cried because i realize i’m like my trusty cast-iron skillet! (dontcha just love my cheesey metaphors?? ;) hehe.)  i’m just getting more seasoned.  more non-stick.  sure, i might have a few rust spots when i neglect taking care of myself sometimes, but they can be rubbed out and oiled up :)   i dont have to reach my weight loss goals to be useful and beautiful.  those who need me in their lives will appreciate me for all my flaws and all my gifts just the same. 

i dont feel i’ve done a great job writing down how i’m really feeling.  but dangit, i feel like i’ve been building toward this turning point for a long time!  life just HAS to be more than trying to fix ourselves.  i keep longing to find where i belong, what my purpose is.  i think most people do.  i feel so fortunate to have had this revelation, and to have my good friend gently bring it to the surface for me.  i am so grateful!!  

i dont know what all this means yet…but maybe i’ll ditch trying to lose weight for a while (forever?).  just go with the flow.   i want to be happy with the way i am and let my inner sunshine burst out again!   i miss life.  i miss listening to others.   

i have missed out while trying to find ME…and i’ve been here all along! 

more soon…

~jos~

spreeeeeeeng!!!

oh yes, the poor Wisconsin girl is FINALLY getting some SUNSHINE on my vitamin-D deprived body!! LOL!!

 

change is good :)

well hello friends!!

(fyi…sillygolucky werewolf got the silver bullet earlier this month. LOL.  so don’t worry, no whining this post!!)

why is change good, you ask?  well!  because for me, i like that feeling of newness…the flow of life and the bubbling and brewing of fresh plans and ideas and goals.  and personal change doesnt have to be an immediate 180.  it can be a few degrees at a time, slowly tweaking our lives in whatever ways we need so that one day we look back and say, wow, that wasnt so hard afterall :)

okay, the first big and most obvious change—i ditched the log in requirement for my blog!  ugh, i just couldnt do it any longer!  too many of my peeps just gotta have me in their reader, and of course i write so that others may read…so if they don’t read, why should i write? hehe!  also, i write about things occasionally that i do hope random folks from the web will happen upon…like nerdy food and nutrition stuff, healing my endometriosis, and holistic living.  those random visits have led me to many new and awesome resources and friends!

so, i’m done hiding.  lol.  :)  you can still log in, however, so if you leave comments all your info is intact.  having a log in will also give you access to members-only goodies that i’d like to include one of these days!  it also gives you the option of getting email notifications when something new gets posted; altho i’m not too impressed with the format in which it sends it, but that’s a detail i’ll work out later!

done with the boring schtuff now!! ;)

this year so far has been rather emotional for me.  after a few crazy health journal posts during my cleanse back in january and the last one here, i now realize i was entering the bottleneck!!  once i got past the super-intense, emotional i-must-figure-out-my-life phase of what i needed to do to figure out my life *lol*, i must say i’m feeling pretty happy :) 

it felt good to get all that crap out even tho i was out of my head and over the top!  but you know, that’s partly what blogs are, right?  a place where we somehow scrawl down those heavy places and feelings we don’t normally verbalize.  for me, it’s a good thing and part of my own process.  i’m glad to be helping others know they’re not alone in this crazy world and i love the feedback from you—it helps me learn and get thru the days!

sooo i’m thinkin if i get my creative juices flowin, i might start a new website/blog.  one of these days i’d love to make a great resource for all things traditional foods, healing endometriosis through nutrition and alternative therapies and of course a few SILLY ramblings!! lol.  i have a lot of other work-related projects on my plate right now, tho, so i’m not sure when it will happen; but the change is a’comin sometime in the sooner or later future :)

for now, i’ll just keep poppin in here on sillygolucky and also the health journal when i’m feeling the need to delve or share!

and speaking once again of changes, i’m excited to announce that this monday i’m unpackin the ol’ brain and starting in on some computer classes!  over the rest of this year i’m gonna work toward a few certificates in web design, graphics and technologies.  FUN!  i’m mostly doin it for my self-employed work projects but of course it will come in handy for fun, personal projects too :D

welp alrighty, just wanted to shout out a hello to all y’all (i’ve always wanted to say that irl. haha!).  sorry i’ve been away for a month or so—i want to try to get back in the habit of chatting on here.  it’s excellent therapy!! ;)

happy weekend!!

~jos~ 

mo-schmo. :P~

motivation-schmotivation.

being of the female persuasion sucks sometimes. 

for 3 out of every 4 weeks in a year you’re on top of the world and for the rest of the time (usually incremented into 12 sessions. uh hem.) there’s some strange werewolf-like transition (without all the fur and usually without fangs) that interferes with especially the best-laid plans.  any other thoughts, goals, emotions or excellent advice you’ve rounded up during those other weeks is totally null and void during that “other” quarter of the year.

*sigh*

usually i dont whine on my blog but i just needed to get it out today.  maybe you can join in if needed ;)

• it started last night—bad attitude about my weight, self-image and motivation. 


• went to bed at 9pm, zonked.


• woke up at 4:30 in a rotten mood.


• 7am, started this blog.


• 8am, breakfast and started working to let off some steam.


• 9:10am, my acupuncturist calls because i missed my appointment…OY!! how embarrassing!! :(:(


• 9:15am—head on my desk, bawling.


• 9:20am, friend talked me off the ledge. lol.


• present time…feeling a touch better but still gotta ways to go.

i hate it when i’m like this.  i feel so out of control!  it’s not ME! 

i used to have a lot more of these episodes when my endometriosis was at its worst.  like crying over chocolate cake and stuff.  the hormonal fluctuations were INTENSE.  pretty scary.  and guys, take my word for it, if she could NOT act and feel the way she does when the rollercoaster comes, she WOULDN’T!  it’s one of those weird phenomenon that even the most logical dude can’t explain away.  sorry.  it just has to make all involved parties suffer, and then float away in the wind like it never happened…

so anyhoo, almost a week ago i finished a 10-day cleanse that i tracked on my health journal, and i passed with flying colors! 

for 10 days not only did i cleanse my body of toxins, but my mind, too.  every morning, i had a prayer/meditation/visualization session.  i had focused intentions and generally felt happier as the cleanse progressed.  i felt positive, motivated, undaunted by the goals i’ve set for myself this year that in the past i’ve failed to reach.

if you kept up with my daily ramblings about the cleanse, you might remember me saying a few days after day 10:

i already started anticipating falling off the wagon and how i would deal with it.  and last night when i started having those cramps it made me come crumbling down, all grumpy and frustrated.  i donno why, it just did.  i guess it was only a matter of time til i fell off the top of the world.

and then today i woke up feeling zombie-ish, lazy and a little hopeless.  then i scolded myself for having so little faith in the progress i made in those 10 days.  then i comforted myself by saying it’s okay, just let it pass…ride out the frustration.  then i scolded myself again and pounded it in that the happiness i felt was REAL and sustainable.  i reminded myself how intentional i was during my quiet time, especially the visualization.  it really was starting to re-route the tracks of my derailed brain back to the main road of gratefulness and joy!

so did you notice??  i made my first mistake before i even finished the cleanse!! :-(  i used to always think that thinking ahead about how to deal with a setback was a good thing.  newp.  it just destines you to fail. 

okay, so, let’s recap.  phase 1: i doubted.  phase 2: i fell off the wagon.  phase 3 (failure): not yet reached! 

WHEW!  so there’s still time to pick up the pieces.  the bad thing is i’m split right down the middle.  the hormonal, irrational, self-destructive werewolfish side of me says nuh-uh.  (imagine your younger sibling or annoying cousin saying that, in the worst little kid way.)  i just wanna wallow today.  i want to eat cookie dough, sit on my butt and cry off and on until i cant breathe because my nose is too snotted up.

the goal-oriented, visualization guru, sillygolucky and tough-it-out-i-can-do-it part of me says this is an opportunity to help break the cycle.  the one i’ve been goin ‘round and ‘round on for nearly a decade now!  obviously i would MUCH RATHER be happy and positive, but why is this always the seemingly harder route??

so is it just as easy as i said it was the day before my cleanse?  did i really give myself a clean slate or did i just wipe the board with a dirty eraser?  what in the heck happened?  can i just be a hybrid—a sillygolucky werewolf?? LOL!!!

maybe there’s really no black and white answer.  i think ultimately, IT’S A CHOICE.   i either choose to make another chip to help break the cycle or choose to stay for another dizzying spell on the merry-go-round.

since i’m a human and i’m a woman, this won’t be the last time i’ll get this chance…but still…

i’ll let you know how it goes.

thanks for listening.

~josey~