crying over dirty dishes

okay, so i’ve got this crazy habit of crying while i’m doing mundane chores.  (or in extreme cases, crying over chocolate cake.)  no, not because i dont wanna do them…okay well maybe sometimes. ;)  teehee. 

it always seems like it’s at these times when i STOP overanalyzing things and suddenly the light bulb flashes on and lessons i need to learn become very apparent to me.

tonite one of my closest friends called to chat.  it’s our normal thing—we talk just about every day either via email, phone or in person.  she’s one of those friends who keeps my feet on the ground, who pulls me out of the hot air balloon when i start floating away with my thoughts (typical me!).

i was expressing to her how i’m getting frustrated (once again) with my weight loss (errr, lack thereof) and unsuccessful get-healthy endeavors.  how i’m getting exhausted being obsessed with devising plan after plan to boost my health and finally reach some weight loss goals.  cause like, it’s pretty much all i think and talk about.  how i’m so tired of never following a plan through from start to finish. 

and how i’m wondering if it’s LESS healthy for me to constantly be focused on these things instead of just living my life, being grateful and happy…

she started brainstorming with me, trying to iron out my crazy deductions on why i have these stumbling blocks and maybe how i can navigate my way through or around them.

then she said to me, “josey, i just cant imagine you being any other way.  i can only see you just how you are—your beautiful amazing self. [insert a few other really nice compliments here that i cant remember!]  do you ever see yourself as beautiful?”

*blinx*

“well yes,” i said, “i certainly don’t think i’m ugly!  i mean, we all have days where we feel fat and bleh, but in general i dont think it’s a self-esteem issue.  it’s more like the extra weight is limiting me in enjoying my life physically—i dont have the stamina to do the outdoor things id like to do, my ankles/feet/knees bother me, etc…”

then i started in on how i feel so compelled to look more like i used to, like…i feel that how i look now isn’t the real me.  i pointed out to my friend that she’s only known me for a few years, and has only known me as my current chubbly self. in fact, i’m pretty sure she’s never even seen pictures of the “real me.”

we yap-trapped on for several more minutes and even though no profound solution was discovered, i felt so much better for the chat and the grounding she always naturally provides!

soooo after we hung up, i went about my business, cleaning the kitchen as usual around this time of the evening.  i was washing my daily-used-and-abused cast-iron skillet that always seems to end up sitting on the stove all day with bacon grease in it.  hehe.  it just wasnt coming clean—it kinda smelled rusty!  grrrrr…darnit.  it happens. 

then i noticed hot tears streaming down my cheeks.  HUHHRRHH??  i scrubbed that goofy cast-iron pan harder and the smell irritated me—it was rancid from the grease, too.  why couldnt it be nice and seasoned and easy to care for like it was a few months ago?       

then i stopped and asked myself, “why in the heck are you crying??”  and it hit me like a load of flamin-hot cheetos.  what my friend said about not imagining me any other way…!!!???!!!  it broke me.  it really did.  i tasted the salty tears and felt the hugemongous lump in my throat. 

i instantly made a connection to an aha! moment i had a few months ago during a 10-day “spring cleaning” cleanse i did.  on day 8, i was superdooper inside my head and wrote a post in my health journal called me, myself and i. 

in that post i mentioned a visualization meditation i love doing called “Fulfill Your Own Potential.”  it’s basically about finding your authentic self and believing that’s who you are—RIGHT NOW.  you drop all judgments of yourself.  you love yourself RIGHT NOW for who you want to be, because really, if you believe it, you are.  that’s how the world/life/karma/intentions work…what we truly think deep in our hearts and minds is what is and what will become.

anyhoo, i feel i’m randomly rambling here, counting on you to connect all my thoughts…;)

so i get it now.  all these years i’ve been trying to “undo” the way i’ve become…and why?  only because i think i’m not my real self being overweight.  with the emotional baggage.  with the maturity and wisdom i’ve gained from learning from my mistakes.  from the few gray hairs and lines around my eyes.  how can i not say this is the real me?

i cried because i realize i’m like my trusty cast-iron skillet! (dontcha just love my cheesey metaphors?? ;) hehe.)  i’m just getting more seasoned.  more non-stick.  sure, i might have a few rust spots when i neglect taking care of myself sometimes, but they can be rubbed out and oiled up :)   i dont have to reach my weight loss goals to be useful and beautiful.  those who need me in their lives will appreciate me for all my flaws and all my gifts just the same. 

i dont feel i’ve done a great job writing down how i’m really feeling.  but dangit, i feel like i’ve been building toward this turning point for a long time!  life just HAS to be more than trying to fix ourselves.  i keep longing to find where i belong, what my purpose is.  i think most people do.  i feel so fortunate to have had this revelation, and to have my good friend gently bring it to the surface for me.  i am so grateful!!  

i dont know what all this means yet…but maybe i’ll ditch trying to lose weight for a while (forever?).  just go with the flow.   i want to be happy with the way i am and let my inner sunshine burst out again!   i miss life.  i miss listening to others.   

i have missed out while trying to find ME…and i’ve been here all along! 

more soon…

~jos~

mo-schmo. :P~

motivation-schmotivation.

being of the female persuasion sucks sometimes. 

for 3 out of every 4 weeks in a year you’re on top of the world and for the rest of the time (usually incremented into 12 sessions. uh hem.) there’s some strange werewolf-like transition (without all the fur and usually without fangs) that interferes with especially the best-laid plans.  any other thoughts, goals, emotions or excellent advice you’ve rounded up during those other weeks is totally null and void during that “other” quarter of the year.

*sigh*

usually i dont whine on my blog but i just needed to get it out today.  maybe you can join in if needed ;)

• it started last night—bad attitude about my weight, self-image and motivation. 


• went to bed at 9pm, zonked.


• woke up at 4:30 in a rotten mood.


• 7am, started this blog.


• 8am, breakfast and started working to let off some steam.


• 9:10am, my acupuncturist calls because i missed my appointment…OY!! how embarrassing!! :(:(


• 9:15am—head on my desk, bawling.


• 9:20am, friend talked me off the ledge. lol.


• present time…feeling a touch better but still gotta ways to go.

i hate it when i’m like this.  i feel so out of control!  it’s not ME! 

i used to have a lot more of these episodes when my endometriosis was at its worst.  like crying over chocolate cake and stuff.  the hormonal fluctuations were INTENSE.  pretty scary.  and guys, take my word for it, if she could NOT act and feel the way she does when the rollercoaster comes, she WOULDN’T!  it’s one of those weird phenomenon that even the most logical dude can’t explain away.  sorry.  it just has to make all involved parties suffer, and then float away in the wind like it never happened…

so anyhoo, almost a week ago i finished a 10-day cleanse that i tracked on my health journal, and i passed with flying colors! 

for 10 days not only did i cleanse my body of toxins, but my mind, too.  every morning, i had a prayer/meditation/visualization session.  i had focused intentions and generally felt happier as the cleanse progressed.  i felt positive, motivated, undaunted by the goals i’ve set for myself this year that in the past i’ve failed to reach.

if you kept up with my daily ramblings about the cleanse, you might remember me saying a few days after day 10:

i already started anticipating falling off the wagon and how i would deal with it.  and last night when i started having those cramps it made me come crumbling down, all grumpy and frustrated.  i donno why, it just did.  i guess it was only a matter of time til i fell off the top of the world.

and then today i woke up feeling zombie-ish, lazy and a little hopeless.  then i scolded myself for having so little faith in the progress i made in those 10 days.  then i comforted myself by saying it’s okay, just let it pass…ride out the frustration.  then i scolded myself again and pounded it in that the happiness i felt was REAL and sustainable.  i reminded myself how intentional i was during my quiet time, especially the visualization.  it really was starting to re-route the tracks of my derailed brain back to the main road of gratefulness and joy!

so did you notice??  i made my first mistake before i even finished the cleanse!! :-(  i used to always think that thinking ahead about how to deal with a setback was a good thing.  newp.  it just destines you to fail. 

okay, so, let’s recap.  phase 1: i doubted.  phase 2: i fell off the wagon.  phase 3 (failure): not yet reached! 

WHEW!  so there’s still time to pick up the pieces.  the bad thing is i’m split right down the middle.  the hormonal, irrational, self-destructive werewolfish side of me says nuh-uh.  (imagine your younger sibling or annoying cousin saying that, in the worst little kid way.)  i just wanna wallow today.  i want to eat cookie dough, sit on my butt and cry off and on until i cant breathe because my nose is too snotted up.

the goal-oriented, visualization guru, sillygolucky and tough-it-out-i-can-do-it part of me says this is an opportunity to help break the cycle.  the one i’ve been goin ‘round and ‘round on for nearly a decade now!  obviously i would MUCH RATHER be happy and positive, but why is this always the seemingly harder route??

so is it just as easy as i said it was the day before my cleanse?  did i really give myself a clean slate or did i just wipe the board with a dirty eraser?  what in the heck happened?  can i just be a hybrid—a sillygolucky werewolf?? LOL!!!

maybe there’s really no black and white answer.  i think ultimately, IT’S A CHOICE.   i either choose to make another chip to help break the cycle or choose to stay for another dizzying spell on the merry-go-round.

since i’m a human and i’m a woman, this won’t be the last time i’ll get this chance…but still…

i’ll let you know how it goes.

thanks for listening.

~josey~

reality tv and weight loss--revisited

happy hump day! hehe :)

back at the end of december, after watching my first season ever of The Biggest Loser, i was very moved.

i wrote a post called reality tv and weight loss.  i urge you to read it if you havent!  it will help you see where i’m comin from in my blabblings of this post ;)

this season’s run of TBL: Couples has sparred a lot of commentary across the blogosphere.  from annoyed fans complaining about the cheesey product endorsements to vehement put-downs about certain contestants, to frustrating and unfair excessive twists and turns in the game—there’s been a little bit of everything said about this season.

***WARNING!!  POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT!!!***

after last night’s episode, we’re down to the final 4.  two men and two women, and btw, a woman has never won TBL.  i’m definitely routing for one of the women to win! =D

okay so…to get to my point of this post ;)  even tho this was only my second season watching, it seemed to me in particular many of the contestants had break-throughs as far as life-defining and changing moments.  for me personally, THAT is what attracts me to this show. 

all the drama between contestants, or the oh-so-exciting ways to utilize Extra Sugar-Free Gum or the drill-sergeantry coming from the trainers isnt what makes me glued to the toob here. hehe. ;) 

since 2008 has started, i myself have had a few life-defining moments with my health and weight loss.  and altho many people have complained about Mark (one of the contestants) and all his crying and blubbering—i have to cut the poor guy some slack because this year has also been the same for me!  

sure, there were points where i was just like, GEEZZZ dude, calm down!!!  especially when he and his brother, Jay, were separated a few times by eliminations.  his emotions ran so high and it was apparent he was just bubbling over with issues he’s stuffed down for a long time.  and obviously, he didnt cry constantly—it just appeared that way thanks to the editing team!

i cant imagine what it would be like to go through a drastic physical change like that in such a short amount of time.  people who are overweight harbor so many issues that are attached to every freakin single pound they’ve packed on.  i know this—i am one of them.  sometimes it takes months, even years, for us to figure out there’s a reason why those pounds are there, and it’s not just because we overeat or are lazy!

for every bite of food and drink of pop or alcohol we take that we physically dont need (and mentally we are reliant on that moment of pleasure)…and every joke we cackle about regarding how fat and jolly we are…there’s a stab of pain in our hearts and souls that’s a disappointment to who we’ve become…and a disillusionment to who we REALLY are.

over the years i’ve made buku excuses for so long to not take better care of myself.  it was so much easier to float through life, getting heavier and heavier, and having my family and friends see me as a woman who’s had a hard time and “you have to feel sorry for her. she’s had it rough.” 

yes, poor me.  POOR ME THAT i never mustered the strength to overcome it!  where have i been??!?  

i’ve sat around dooming myself to the same physical ailments and diseases that have slowly killed my family members or have taken away their quality of life.  i’ve sat around LITERALLY MINUTE-TO-MINUTE worrying about these things—all the while i’ve been statistically healthy, just overweight—and in the process of all that worrying i’ve developed panic attacks, nutritional deficiencies, a liver packed full of toxins from all my fast food fixes and nearly a whole other person’s worth of weight (and mental burden) attached to my short little body.

somehow doing all that to myself was easier than finding the time to exercise, putting to good use all my knowledge of nutrition and food, and practicing what i preach…

…or was it?

fortunately in the last year i’ve been inspired by countless people, events, books, tv shows and lifted up by my daily prayers.   

and in the last few months i’ve felt a shift—in my health, for the better, and emotionally.  it’s beenalongtimecomin, i tell ya!!  and it’s been the most challenging hill i’ve climbed in my life…and im still trekkin along…

after finishing my 10-day spring cleanse yesterday, i’ve come to a realization that i’m not the weakling i’ve pegged myself.  no, im not supergirl but i have determination.  i have perseverance.  i have strength that God gives me freely and i have a goal and purpose i want to share with others.

as people lose weight, different things happen.  some of them find a self-confidence and pride theyve been lacking—like Kelly.  some of them find that just simply learning how to eat to live and not live to eat has helped them the most—like Roger.  others find they have more inner strength than they ever imagined, and it results in a beautiful outer strength,too—like Ali.  and lastly, some have a total transformation inside AND out, and suddenly all the numbness dissipates and the flood-gates open—like Mark.

i’d have to say i identify most closely with Mark.  until recently i never knew i stuffed so much emotional crap down and hid it with my weight.  in fact, i honestly had NO CLUE.  i would always say, “i just have bad habits.  fast food tastes good so i eat it instead.  there’s nothing emotionally bothering me.  i’m just a little defeated because i cant be consistent.  my ankles hurt and i feel tired if i try to exercise.”  blahblahblah…

but now suddenly something changed in me.  sometimes when i’m working out, if i push myself extra hard—i feel my heart beating in my ears and pounding in my chest, i taste the sweat on my lips and feel my legs burn—I CRY.  yes, I CRY!!  it’s an overwhelming sense of pride in myself, but now i believe it is also literally a purging of a stuffed-down INCORRECT opinion ive had of my own character and will.

sometimes i’ll be talking to hubby about some of my mini-goals and how i’ve done a good job that day.  then i’ll just start crying!  i feel like such a doof ball, but i cant help it! (like that one time in yoga class…)  inside my head i’ve told myself so many times “you can’t do it. just forget it!”  so now, when i reach a small goal, it’s like the most comforting HUG…an affirmation that i’m NOT a loser.  that with a little extra effort—even for a few days—wonderful things can happen! 

and NO, that ISNT cheesey…it’s true…when you have become so deflated, so consumed by your own misery, even one little teenyweeny victory is something to celebrate.  it could just be that spark that fires you up! 

i am also finding myself thinking twice when i suddenly want junk food.  no, i wont always make the right choice.  but if i become PRESENT in that moment and stop myself from blindly eating, i can connect an emotional reason to that food choice.  and many times, that food is merely a sedative to something i’m not dealing with.

 oh, isnt it so sad that simply fueling our bodies has become so laden in complication??!?  i want to change.  i WILL!!

i want people to know that even if you WANT to lose 15lb or if you NEED to lose 300lb, it doesnt matter.  it all starts in the same place—your heart.  KNOW WHO YOU ARE.  dont be afraid to let changes happen in your life—you HAVE to be a little vulnerable and get out of your comfort zone.  you HAVE to take a chance!!  get yourself up!!  stop feeling sorry for yourself.  is this who you really are?   

STOP MAKING EXCUSES.  nothing will change until YOU DO SOMETHING!  if you’re unhappy, do something that makes you happy.  it’s as simple as that—it doesnt have to be this golden moment and light from heaven!  start with every day things…THINK ABOUT IT, use your intelligence!  it’s common sense.  we’ve been so numbed that we forget how to even think.  your happiness level may not rise as quickly as you’d prefer, but the more you try, the more momentum you’ll build.

and before you know it, you’ll feel the flood-gates open and slowly you will become unburdened by all those poor choices you made in the past.  you’ll actually realize it’s all happened for a reason.  and altho you’ll stumble and fall on the way, you’ll finally be living your life instead of sitting there, eating, doing nothing, being miserable inside, being uncertain of your future and watching the here and now all slip by for nothing.

LIVING YOUR LIFE.  moving, breathing, smiling, laughing, crying, praying, thanking. 

it’s worth it.  we deserve to be happy and healthy and no one is responsible for yourself but YOU.

~josey~ 

[ if you got this far reading, THANK YOU for sticking with my novel of a brain-dump!! (((hugs!!))) ]
 

heartaches

march 25th, 2008.

dear diary,

i know i can tell you anything, even if i sound like an inarticulate baby.  so hear me out, okay? 

my heart hurts.  it hurts for one of the most special people in my life.  

i’m angry.  i’m empathetic.  i’m offended.  i’m guilty.

because i’m tired of being tossed to the side.

because i’ve been there before…but i’ve never gotten the chance to tell her in a loving way.

because i can’t believe she is doing what she is with no outward remorse.

because i’ve not been an active part of her life and been there when she’s needed it most and i haven’t asked God enough for his hand in her life.

the unfortunate part is that i’m not the only one.  in fact, there are more important people and feelings at stake.

when will this selfish fiasco stop??  when will the livid, angry begging of those around you be unveiled as the pleas for your love and attention that they are??  the fighting, the yelling, the namecalling, the suspicions, the misbehaving…they are all pleas…cant you see? 

no one wants to hurt her.  but no one knows how to tell her it’s okay to come back.  is she avoiding confronting her true unhappiness?  no one knows. maybe she doesnt even know.

are you lonely?  you know i’m here.  and i’m sorry, i’m so sorry i’ve let my own resentment get in the way of calling you.  it just hurts that your attention is always divided.  you know what i’m talking about.  i don’t think i ask for too much.  do you realize i’m not the only one who feels this way?  WHY do your own needs always come before everyone else’s?  yes, they do.  why do you scold me and say i make you feel badly?  maybe you should…

oh diary, i feel like such a selfish jerk!  but i dont know what to do anymore.  i’m tired of feeling angry and hurt.  i’ve been stuffing this down for a long, long time.  i want to tell her how i feel but i’m so afraid of losing her…

my intention isnt to hurt her, but to HELP her. i want to help her heal.  i want be a catalyst to help her get her life back. 

but i know this isnt really about me.  its about her.  i want her to be HAPPY and i dont care WHAT she says, she’s not.  everything in her life screams, “I’M MISERABLE!!!”  her health, her attitude, her home, her children, spouse…

so what do i do?  sit back and enable her?  let her rot her life and relationships away?  i want to go to her with my arms open wide and offer her my love, but she wont have it. 

we miss you.  even tho you are here, you are not.  please, think about what you are doing.  and dont laugh it off.  and dont get mad and defensive.  your guilt trips won’t work on me—i know you too well.   cant you just not be a martyr for once?  no one is blaming or condemning you.  we all have hard times.  we all need time to find our souls.  it’s okay, it really is.  but you’re looking in the wrong place!  listen to me, just cry on my shoulder, and you can start working through it all…it’s gonna be alright…   

 

 

DAMN life sucks.

heartaches hurt. 

we’ll get through this.  she’ll let down her ragged sail, won’t she?
 

no more excuses!

happy monday :)

and st. patty’s day!  

welp, lately on my health journal i’ve been yappin about how i’m tryin to reach a certain weight loss goal.  (specifically, the ever-8freakinmonth-elusive 200lb mark!)  i have a lot of “reasons” (excuses?) why i havent fulfilled that goal and mainly they are health-related obstacles.  

but really, is that what has slowed me down the most?

probably not. (i hate being honest with myself. dangit!)

for some reason, the more i fail to succeed the more i blame it on something “out of my control.”  but honestly, how out of my control is healing my endometriosis/reducing pain and balancing my hormones?  hmm.  how out of my control is dealing with my foot/ankle issues so im not in pain all the time?  isnt that what my journey to better health is all about—taking control of those obstacles?

i also keep telling myself i need to be more kind and gentle to my psyche and stop beating myself up when i fall short because it ends up starting a vicious cycle.  and while that IS true, i also need to be brutally honest and ask myself—have i REALLY tried as hard as i could?  have i given it my all?  or have i put forth just a few weeks of consistency and then let the proverbial “cut off” time for my motivation take hold just so i can be lazy again?

i’m thinking the latter. :\


sparkpeople postlast week i read this post (left) on sparkpeople.  while it’s not a fancyschmancy speech, it cuts thru the crap and excuses.  it’s something i needed to hear at this juncture and i thought i’d share!  i decided to give you a screenshot of the post so that way if you decide you want to be part of sparkpeople, you can connect with the author if you’d like :) 

 

 

so wow, what did you think?  definitely some points that made smoke come out my ears. LOL.  at one time or another, every single one of these excuses is ME, whining. haha. (in addition to who knows how many more…) 

i dont think i even need to expand on her explanations.  i’m getting to the point where it’s simply cut and dry—either do it, or dont!  get healthier, or dont!  PERIOD.  i’m tired of swimming in excuses!

even if losing weight or improving your health isnt high on your priority list, what is?  and what excuses do you keep using that’re holding you back because it’s more comfortable there?  think…spiritual time, family time, time spent doing something helping others…

i hope this gave you something to chew on, too!

AND…what are you going to do about it? 

~josey~ 
 

secret o' life

hello friends :)

welp, once again, lately i’m finding myself deep in thought about who i really wanna be and what i truly want out of my life.  hmmm you’d think by your early 30’s one might have or should have already figured that out! ;) (or, maybe not…)

as much as i try to promote a moderate take on most things in my world, in reality i end up making situations either very simplistic and to the point, or quite complicated and convoluted (as you consistently witness if you read my blog. LOL.).

the simplistic side is my innate nature; the complicated side has been born from all the struggles i’ve gone through and i’ve somehow come to be this perfectionistic freak that has to dissect EVERYthing, make assumptions about emotions and theorize how things got from path A to path B.

i waste a lot of time stewing about why something happened, what i can do to change it and makes sure it’s better next time.  notice i said waste.  is stewing and delving a contructive use of my energy and time?  most times i think not.  especially now that it’s becoming clearer to me that im missing out on a lot of life’s joys by trying to be some omniscient problem solver. 

am i making sense so far? ;)  hopefully you can somehow relate.  cause ya know, that’s why i blog—in hopes that i’m not the only crazy one!  hehe.

anyhoo, even tho i’m sure you’re prolly expecting a superdooper long-winded explanation of the secret o’ life— SURPRISE!!  i think i’m starting to understand the secret isnt just one or two specifics or even a top 10 list of things you should do to get the most out of your life.    

instead, its an all-encompassing foundation we should weave into every twist and turn in our lives, every journey uphill and downhill, every person we meet, every laugh line we grow on our cheeks, and every sad or proud tear we shed. 

and being a Christian, i believe, fervently, deep down in my heart that God wants us to give Him the burden of the world we try to carry on our shoulders on a daily basis and RELISH this gift of life he has given us.

we simply should not worry about trying to figure it all out.  its not our job.  if you’re like me and you’re exhausted from seeking answers to all your questions, maybe you should just enjoy the ride…

James Taylor, The Secret O’ Life. 

the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time
any fool can do it
there aint nothing to it
nobody knows how we got to
the top of the hill
but since were on our way down
we might as well enjoy the ride

the secret of love is in opening up your heart
its okay to feel afraid
but dont let that stand in your way
cause anyone knows that love is the only road
and since were only here for a while
might as well show some style
give us a smile

isnt it a lovely ride
sliding down
gliding down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

now the thing about time is that time
isnt really real
its just your point of view
how does it feel for you
einstein said he could never understand it all
planets spinning through space
the smile upon your face
welcome to the human race

some kind of lovely ride
i’ll be sliding down
i’ll be gliding down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

isnt it a lovely ride
slidin down
glidin down
try not to try too hard
its just a lovely ride

so enjoy the passage of time, huh?  it’s all about being present, in the moment.  take heart the miracle of emotions we can feel—joy, anguish, fear, pride, elation, love, belief, grief, gratefulness…grasp them tightly with your very soul, breathe them, cherish them.

i personally dont feel i should just coast thru life egotistically numb to circumstances and withholding compassion so i can enjoy life to the fullest with no responsibility.  i dont think i should relinquish my child-like wonder of creation and the world or stop searching for answers to them.  i also feel that i should continually strive to learn more about my interests and passions, so i can become a better person and help others.

but there’s a point where we step over a line and become the gods of our own little world and it ruins the beauty of what life’s all about.

it’s really all so complicatedly simple.  and instead of withering away my time over-analyzing parts of my life that i honestly know i have no control over, i should embrace what comes, good or bad, and give simple thanks God has given me His breath of life to spend time on this earth.  and move on.  i know, i know, that’s hard (sometimes seemingly impossible or worthless) when life’s hard.  but its a conscious choice—and if we want the most out of this lifetime, we will choose joy in the midst of even the most trying times. 

people will see and feel your spirit and they will be blessed by it. 

give. love. forgive. play. hurt. seek God’s will. understand. enjoy the passage of time…

we only have a little.

mind vs taste buds

okay, its just past 8am on new year’s day.

*looks out the window across the street at the golden arches*  i want mcdonald’s for brekky.

where in the HECK did this notion (craving?) come from??!?! (ruh roh, must have been the snack wrap i had yesterday?!  those MSGs are workin me!)

i think something clicked in my fast-food deprived brain and said, “WAIT! today’s the day she’s really kicking in with the no wheat/gluten and eating healthy!  we cant let her ruin it for us…ATTACK!!” *LOL*

hubby’s still in bed and my tummy’s growling.  i’m really supposed to take a couple supplements and wait an hour to eat, but i’m not sure that’s going to happen.

now how come ive been SO GOOD for the last week and now all the sudden i wanna go and screw it all up?  *CRIES*  GAK!!! i hate days like this!  it’s a horrible mind vs taste buds battle!! 

so what will i do—let myself eat what i want today and start tomorrow?  not beat myself up and just chalk up the loss?

or will i stick to my guns and fight through the craving?   

see, this is always my problem.  this is the beginning of a BAD cycle that’s hard to stop.  i think its more mental than physiological…it’s my perfectionistic against my “all in moderation” alter ego.

neither one usually wins.  i usually go WAY off the deep end and be a total glutton!

why today?  i know i’ll just feel like crap, but that never stops me.  why am i possessed like this? ROTFL!  am i the only one in the world who is so obsessed about these things??  

dangit i try so hard but my will is so fragile :( 

somebody come save me!!!

to be continued…

(in my health journal later today!) 

reality tv and weight loss

hey there! =D

last week i watched the (tivo’d) finale of the biggest loser.  this was my first season watching; im not much of a tv gal, really.  i just have a few reality shows i watch, scattered throughout the year as they come on (survivor, the amazing race, american idol, so ya think you can dance, hell’s kitchen, and america’s next top model).

anyhoo!  sorry bout the mini-tangent. haha.

let’s put aside the fact this show was edited for tv and all that jazz.  there’s something that attracts me to TBL in particular—people’s lives are actually changed FOR THE BETTER by participating in the crazy realm of reality tv!

it was totally amazing to see how nearly all of the contestants—especially the top 4—changed so drastically!  a few of them even lost 50% of their original body weight!!  can you imagine?!  HALF of yourself—gone!

i think what inspired me and impressed on my heart the most was their determination and perseverance.  yes—they wanted to win; but more than anything, they wanted to improve their lives and prove to themselves they could do this, and that they WERE WORTH IT.

emotionally and physically, i understand what many of these people went through.   there wasnt an episode i didnt cry once or more because i felt so sorry for someone, or identified so closely. maybe im a cheesey chump for getting so sentimental about a dumb tv show that a network uses just to make money.  so, call me a sappybutt!  i dont care! LOL.

i think i also cried because sometimes i felt sorry for myself/guilty for not working harder toward my goals.  i saw them succeed under pretty extreme circumstances and i was so proud!  i KNOW how hard it is to fight past the mental and physical burdens of why you’re fat—anyone who’s ever been overweight knows what i mean.

now if you’re sitting there reading this and STILL thinking im a total idiot for being suckered into this show emotionally, then maybe you’re missing my point!  

for those of us who struggle with our weight and all the baggage that comes with it, its a light in the darkness to see others come so far. 

we celebrate with them and cheer them on!  it boosts our own morale.  it renews our hope when we are mentally exhausted.

we identify with the human condition and begin to realize we have the same strength and motivation as these people, who come from the same walks of life.  it’s easy to forget we have reserves we haven’t yet tapped into.

no, i dont worship reality tv ;)  but watching this season of TBL gave me a boost of optimism for my own situation.  it’s been tough (understatement!) losing weight this year with my endometriosis and the pain and hormonal fluctuations its brought with it.  but i’m getting better, slowly. 

i just cant give up! 

i want to prove to myself i can do this. 

this whole “health” goal of mine is so much more than losing weight.  it’s shedding layers and layers of emotional cruddy build-up.  feeding my self-esteem.  giving worth to my character, my core—pushing myself to persevere and emerge as stronger and more confident.  i want to use these positive things to help other people. 

but first, i have to tend to my own wounds and issues.  2007 started that and now im onna roll :D    

i am VERYVERY excitedly looking forward to 2008 as being the year i blossom into a more balanced, kind and healthy person.  and not just in how i react and give back to the world around me, but how i treat and care for my own mind, body and spirit.

(more on all this soon! weeeeeeeee!) 

~jos~ 

the evolution of (me and) my blog

hey, folks! :D
back at the beginning of december, tish over at the kat house did this really cool meme that chronicled the “evolution” of her blog by choosing 5 of her landmark archived posts.
i commented on her post, but being the doober i am, i wasnt paying attention and put my comment on the wrong post. LOL!!
but, being the nice gal she is, she replied back anyhoo and suggested i do the meme when i gotta chance!  well, now i have the chance…so, here goes! (oh and btw, they arent in perfect chronological order, but i think you’ll still get the point! LOL.)
i started blogging in december 2005 on Yahoo 360.  blogging, for me, was (is!) basically a replacement for a hand-written journal.  i’ve been on a quest to lose weight and get healthy for ohhh about 7 years now…so it was obvious that would be the thing i’d yap about most.  my very first blog post EVER was a great start to the end of the year!.
that was basically my introduction.  and i’m not gonna count it toward the 5 posts im supposed to feature in this meme. HEHE! ;)  even to this day, i dont think i could ever change a word of it and say it any better!
having my blog on the big Y kinda kept me sheltered from the REAL blogosphere (at least in my opinion)—i wasnt aware of all the commenting, the memes, and all the fun stuff that really gets your name out there.  i just wrote when i felt like it and “closed the book” and hid it back in my drawer when i was done. hehe!
i really didnt start semi-seriously blogging again until january of 2007!
i’m guessing most of my readers dont really know that im completely and totally obsessed-submersed-bookwormed into learning about and applying holistic nutrition and health stuff into my life.
the reason why i’ve dove in head first into this stuff is because in march of this year (2007), after a diagnostic laparoscopy, i found out i have endometriosis. <—-btw, that’s my fave endometriosis site. hands down.
in fact, IRL, healing my endo (aka endometriosis) through proper nutrition is what i talk about, think about and read about a lot.  i mean LOTS a lot.   . o O (hmmm, probably why i dont have any good friends. LOL.)  especially because i believe the things i’ve learned can be applied in a myriad of ways to everyone. (yep, even men!)
i wrote time to heal the week after my laparoscopy.  i dont think i really revealed how scared i was about having endo and how big of a step it was to take a greater responsibility in my own healing by not choosing the typical path of treatment through my doctor.  but, there was just something in my gut that said—YOU have to do this.  you CAN do this.  your body WANTS to heal; you just have to give it what it needs.
the gears in my brain started churning and i knew my diet was due for an overhaul at this point.  i then found and read a book called Endometriosis: A Key to Healing through Nutrition.  this got me thinking quite a bit about what i eat and how it effects my body on a cellular level. *totally nerdy pose*
at this point, i couldnt get enough info—i was (and AM!) a total sponge!  i just kept reading and reading…about food…our bodies…about amazing things i’d never thought about before. 
after reading books like Real Food: What to Eat and Why and Nourishing Traditions i felt moved to write pass me the olden days, please…probably the most telling post i’ve written thus far about how i feel about nutrition, health and the industrialization of our world. 
then i revealed a little more, embarrassingly, in crying over chocolate cake.  this was a time, in the midst of coping with the drastic hormonal shifts, i asked myself “am i doing the right thing?” and “how much more of this can i handle?”… in addition with grappling with the fact that i may never have biological children of my own, which especially bothers me on those most hormonal days. :(  this post was a recount of one of many times i’d have days like this—days where i swore i was losing it.   days when it didnt seem fair that i had to have this disease and i let it get the best of me.
this year i’ve had a lot of doubts, but also a lot of revelations.  what’s the real reason is my reassessment of why and how i’ve come to be where i am this year…in my health, my emotions, my goals.  it felt good to admit all my grossly gluttonous habits…most of which i am thankfully tackling full-force ;)  it also feels good to look at my life by taking a step back…and truly realize where i’ve screwed up, then use that knowledge to turn it into something positive!
and finally, something that’s become quite apparent to me after all the physical and emotional pain, desperate pleadings to God, confusion and feeling alone…after all the things ive read and studied to educate myself so i can take responsibilty for my health, THIS is what it all boils down to for me:  nutrition + emotions = health. (and tho i failed to mention it—for me, spirituality is the foundation of that equation!!  that post would have been pages and pages longer had i included that aspect.  i venture to guess one of these days it will all come out. :D )
maybe most of the stuff in that last post seems a little new-agey, or far-fetched or like im getting scammed over.  but until you go through a time in your life when nothing else makes sense…when something comes along that clicks in your gut and you just know…then, well, you know…you JUST KNOW you have stumbled upon something that can—AND WILL—change your life.
and if you share it, it might change someone else’s, too.
and this, my friends, is the evolution…of me. (through my blog.)
i’m very, very grateful you stopped by :)

who cares what i think?

gah, i dont even know how to start saying what i’ve been cooking up in my brain all morning whilst ive been doing the dishes, laundry, clean the litter boxes, sweeping floors…

i’m warning ya now, this is the most rambling, random blog post of mine yet.  read on if you dare!  you know i cant help but wander off into lalaland and then blurt it all out :P 

hmmm soooo…i’ll get right to it.  why are you here?  why do you care what i think?  why DO we blog??  for the world to see??!?!

those are things that have floated around my mind since i moved to sillygolucky.  do i really wanna be a bloggy bloggerton?  obviously i’ve learned a great deal and changed my thoughts since that post, just a mere 2 months ago.

at that point, i was so concerned about getting people to visit and comment on my blog.  i mean, i needed some recognition for all those hours i put in setting up, and PAYING for a host, and the agonizing pain-in-the-buttedness of moving over my archives (still working on it…!)…

i got so frustrated being a nobody in the blogosphere.  it seems like everyone had their own little cliques and i couldnt be a part of it.  even tho i dont have a world-changing opinion or advice to offer, i still wanted visitors and comments!  we all do, right?  cause if we didnt, we’d disable the comment section. ;) hehe.  we’d still have lurkers, but its just not the same.

it cracks me up to think i went through so many intense feelings of jr-high-ism, especially that first week. LOL! 

but now, i feel differently.  after quickly getting over the initial inexperienced blogger insecurities, now i find blogging is a good outlet for me.  it feels good to write sporadically about anything i feel like.  its fun to post things that are meaningful to me.  i enjoy the feedback.  

NaBloPoMo’s over, and im still posting every day.  its an URGE.  i kinda feel a commitment.  like i might let someone down.  i mean, im not getting paid for this!  no one’s breathing down my neck.  who might i let down?  is this good?  *starts pondering more deeply*

okay so for FUN, let’s remove ourselves from the trance of the internet.  let’s sit back (NOT at your puter chair or wherever your laptop is! LOL.), look at life and the meaning of it, and absorb the realness of the people around us.  pet your pet.  pinch yourself.  hug your honey.  feel the warmth of the sun or the coldness of the snow outside.

yes, GET UP. go do one of those.  NOW.  oh dont be a poop, just do it and forget about my post for a sec.  then come back!

*gives you like oh…10 minutes or so…*

hey…why are you still sitting there??  havent you ever heard of audience participation??  plus, im bossy.  indulge me here.  GO!!! ;) LOL!

*waits and twiddles sommore* 

hey, you’re back :)  wb!!! ;) 

so why did you decide to come back and read?  why do you care what i think?

this is kindasorta my view of the situation… (i’m saying kindasorta even tho it is REALLY what i think.  but i’m giving myself psuedo-loophole in case someone decides to get jerky and argue with me.  btw, im a bad debater—so dont even bother!) 

(take two)  this is kindasorta my view of the situation…i think we are lonely.  over-stimulated.  bored.  over-worked.  lacking.  have too much.  broke.  rich.  spiritual.  worldly.  under-appreciated.  full of ourselves.  friendless.  popular.  creative.  aware.  depraved.  honest.  seeking…  discovering…

in a world where we have access to as many acquaintances as we could ever dream, how come its not enough?  this causes me to ask, just how meaningful ARE these online relationships?  is it lame and shallow to have so many online “friends?”  am i demeaning the worth of my real life family and friends?     

maybe you all have already hashed this out in your own mind and you’re saying, UH, DUH!?! and i’m just a late bloomer. LOL.  quite possible.  however i’m going to continue to spout off my thoughts…  

are we so addicted to blogging because of the goody-gooey-acceptedness we feel being a part of this web that connects nearly all people in the world?  definitely.  in that large of a group of people, we’re bound to find those who agree with us (or disagree, if you’re looking for a debate), and that feels spiffy!

does blogging replace or add to some part of our lives so we, in this crazy age of technology, feel the urge to divulge the most personal parts of our souls and hearts to people we dont even know?  that may appear to care but can literally walk away from you just by getting up out of their chair and stop looking at an electronic screen?

do our blog friends know more about us than the people who are real and tangible in our lives?  is that right, or wrong, or does it even matter?

i dont know. 

this is just another one of those things in life where ive started questioning—what good is this in my life?  or in the lives of those who love me?  is my blog a selfish, needy hobby?  could i leave it and not feel guilty?  what are my motivations for it?

maybe you’re one of the lucky people (IMHO) who doesnt have the strong NEED to be a part of something online.  maybe you’re just a lurker, or maybe you can truly separate it from anything non-computer related.  maybe you’re just a smart, non-needy human being who doesnt get caught up in trendy, wimpy hobbies like blogging. ;)

but for me, i have to find reason and meaning in everything i do.  even blogging.  that’s just me.  not that i pray over my blog or anything like that. LOL. (altho, maybe i should!) 

and i’ll admit, i’m a bit naiive when it comes to people and ulterior (or lack of) motives.  i mean, im not dim-witted, but i tend to want to believe people have honest intentions and are good at heart.  obviously there ARE wicked and evil people on (and off) the internet.  but can we ever completely shelter ourselves from them?  then again, how smart is it to purposely put ourselves in their path?

and i sometimes think, should i be more anonymous?  

soooo i know maybe some readers are saying, “GEEZ, stop reading between the lines so much!  blogging’s fun.  there’s no harm in it.  people have a good time, blahblahblah…” 

i know i know, this post isnt very “sillygolucky” of me, is it??  hehe!  well, aside from my psychobabble about my complicated view of why we blog, obviously i ENJOY it.  cause im blogging about it!! LOL!  it IS fun.  i enjoy getting comments.  and i love reading what other people feel THEY must blog about.  i’ve been pretty sheltered my whole life, so it gives me a different way to look at people and the world from an individual’s point of view instead of forming opinions through other types of biased media. 

on the flipside, i love it when i stumble upon a blog whose author has the same world view as me.  it makes me feel like maybe, just maybe, my way of wanting to contribute to society isnt so minority.  and that all us dreamers out here can actually make a difference!!  lol.

i’m one of those peeps who loves people…i love to connect…and i admit, in real life i dont have many close friends anymore.  i used to, but life has changed.  then i moved to a place where i didnt know anyone, and hey, its hard as an adult to “make friends” again…especially when i’ve been going thru so much of my own crap this year. 

so anyhoo, YES, blogging fills in that gap, just a little bit!  but i cant help but wonder if its healthy, or not!  i need to think about my own boundaries, and decide how much attachment i should allow myself to have to my blog and the virtual world. 

im not challenging anyone or judging.  im just simply conveying something i think about, figuring that i’m not the only one.  i’m not looking for a pat on the back or for anyone to say they agree with me.  i dont need compliments or whatnot. i suppose im just on my own self-discovery journey and, like any other personal blogger out there, needed to get this off my chest! 

after the initial dunk into the blogosphere, now i can step back and look at my blog and know that this is one of the ways i can make my little teeny mark in the world.

my only hope is that by God’s blessing someone else is better for it; cause even tho i no longer wear my long, red cape, i still think i can help “save the world” in my own little way.  and if not that, then at least make someone smile or feel like they’re not alone.  even if it is just by spreading a little kindness around through wires and screens.

there ARE hearts on the other side, and i dont want to ever be desensitized to that.

 

***classic cheesey, romantical AND sincere ending*** 

 

~josey~  <——- the i-think-too-much-but-it-always-makes-me-feel-better-blogger
 

see ya, ebenezer!

 

the last several years i've found myself really dreading the holidays, especially christmas. it's all i can do to choke through thanksgiving knowing that "black friday" is looming. i've felt like a scrooge--dont wanna put up lights or the tree or any decorations, HATE shopping, sooo sick of christmas everything (including christmas music!) coming out wayyy before thanksgiving.  my goodness i dont even want to watch my fave old christmas cartoons--the grinch and rudolph!  :-O  i could go on and on!!

to be right up front--i've just gotten sick of the shallow commercialism. that's it in a nutshell, but its way more complicated than that.

we all celebrate christmas for different reasons, in different ways. for some, its shopping and finding that perfect gift for a loved one that was a great bargain!! woot! feels good to save money and still get a special gift. for others, its traveling and seeing family or friends you only get to see once a year and having a christmas feast like no other. some people get really into all the decorating--stuff in the yard, multiple trees in the house, greenery and poinsettias in every room! and others call it the birthday of their Savior, Jesus.

there's absolutely nothing wrong with any of those reasons. but when you yourself feel empty, like that spark of wonder, excitement and joy of the season is gone, then you begin to contemplate in your scrooged-up brain--what is the meaning of christmas to me?? what is the POINT?? do i really even care?

well at least that's how i'm feeling.

every scrooge has a reason to NOT enjoy celebrating christmas--painful reminders of lost loved ones or sour relationships, the stress of all the hustle and bustle, dreading weight gain and stressing about our diets, not enough money to spend (or spending too much), overloaded at work, running the kids around for this and that, and just plain ole burn-out...blahblahblah. 

so, i've decided this year i will be a scrooge no more! with all the negativity i've drummed up for myself in 2007 surrounding my endometriosis, feeling physically terrible, being emotionally whacked out, and struggling with my weight i definitely need to end this year on a positive note.

plus, i miss the cheery, bubbly, silly-go-lucky old me. where'd she go?

now dont get me wrong, finding a reason to be cheery and festive--especially this year--is like pulling teeth for me! i just wanna be grumbly and hermity and get by doing the least possible. but truthfully, deep down, i WANT to be happy this christmas.  i'm not looking for a polly-anna holiday, but i secretly want to get lost in the warmfuzzy feelings of season.

but i want to do it for the right reasons. MY right reasons.

so i said to myself, "self, what are your RIGHT reasons for celebrating christmas?" and my self said:

1. to celebrate Jesus' birth
2. to do something for those in need
   
3. to spend time with my family
   

okay, well that was easy. so why do i still feel like little miss crabby butt?

well first, its because i'm still not going to church. i've been lazy and picky and we just havent found one to stick with. now, i've said before that i dont believe going to church is gonna get me to heaven! i think its good to look at it as a maintenance thing--you know, like when you wake up in the morning and your bad breath reminds you to brush your teeth. LOL! kinda the same thing, ya know? ;)

i miss being surrounded by stories of Jesus' birth, the little kids singing Silent Night, the skits and the christmas eve services. since i am currently not a part of a church family, now i'm lacking in the spiritual meaningfulness department of the season.  (i'm sparing you pages and pages of writing about this spiritual stuff.  hehe.  for now.)

second, most of us focus on giving an overabundance of special, thoughtful gifts to our friends and family. while i DO enjoy giving, i DONT enjoy seeing my gift tossed in a pile and probably being forgotten by new years. and i hate the fact that i cant even remember who got me what last year--obviously i'm getting more gifts than i need or deserve! and what about the kids and their heaps of toys that have to be put away and rotated because they have so many?? i wont even go there...

when i was in college, each year our floor in the dorm gathered together and gave food, clothes, and toys through a local organization that supported families that were truly in need.  i will never forget the tingly feeling of pure joy that permeated my heart as we bought, wrapped and delivered the care packages.  ahhh, how i miss that feeling!!!  it made me cry to know those people knew they could never repay our kindness tangibly.  but i know they paid it forward in love and gratefulness, which to me is the stuff that changes the world.  simple human kindness.  

and lastly (but not leastly! LOL), time with my side of the family has just gotten stale.  its nothing they do wrong--its my expectations and selfish childishness that ruins it for me.  this is very hard for me to admit.  my family is not perfect (whose is? hehe).  we dont have the "all american" ideal holiday with special traditions, lavish gifts, cheesey smiles and turtle-neck sweaters.  not that that's what i want!  but sometimes i long for more meaning than pigging out and wasting a lot of wrapping paper, ya know?

see, here's my quintessential problem.  in my scroogy brain, i'm thinking about how this certain family member always says this, and that certain family member always expects that, and how we all need to do this, and why cant we just learn to do that...so, while all that's going on on the inside, my outside is like "HUH?"  and there's no connection to any good vibes that might be floating around.  i'm too busy building the wall!!  there's no osmosis whatsoever. LOL.  just me, being there, thinking too much, eating loads to ease the frustration, walking around like a robot...

so i need to re-tie the ties that bind.  what would that take for me?  well, knowing we all get along--that's a PLUS.  my family actually WANTS to see me, i am lucky!  okay well what about deeper stuff...the binding stuff...hmmmm...

my parents are proud of me even tho they dont say it and i need to hear it (because well that's something im working on).  my sister loves me and looks up to me cause im her big sister (and we are stinkin funny together. LOL!).  my niece and nephew think i'm a cool aunt and enjoy spending time with me, and hopefully i am a good role model.

WHOA. WAIT.  why is this all of the sudden about me?  why is it necessary for ME to be stroked and put on a pedestal in order to enjoy time with my family??

GAH!  another revelation.  boy, this post is never gonna end ;) teehee.  i'll think on this and elaborate at a later time.

for now, hmmm well...i think ive helped myself understand what i need to do to de-scrooge.  in keeping with my love of list-making, before the end of the year, i'm going to:

1. start going to church and attend a christmas eve service
2. give my finances AND time to a local charity
3. SHOW my family WHY i love them so much, not just how much...this isnt about me.

so, maybe this list may seem a bit scanty and without deep thought, but its not.  ive gotta start somewhere, right?  i want to be happy and spread a positive, loving attitude this holiday...and i want it to last. :)  baby steps!

if you're struggling with this, too, i encourage you to take a look inside yourself.  think about it--do you realllly wanna drown your pathetic sorrow in that miserable attitude?  its not that things will be perfect this year if you do--or next year, or the next.  maybe you need some time to heal.  or, maybe you just need to take some immediate action--like getting back into the REAL world, away from work and maybe even the virtual world.  i know this all too well. 

and dangit, if i'm gonna work on it someone else has to, too. hehe. ;)  cause the world sure as heck doesnt need any more scrooges.  we can do a lot for this world by changing jussstttt a little.

spiritual meaningfulness.  human kindness.  the ties that bind. 

*happy relieved but-i-still-need-to-think-about-this sigh* 

~josey~   

 

his will is peace

this last year i've struggled with so many doubts...doubts about my faith and what i believe, who i really am deep down inside, and why things in my life have happened the way they have.  and even what my purpose on this earth truly is.

i suppose we all have times like this in our lives.  but out of all the people in my world, i feel like im the only one spinning, doubting, confusing, questioning and that i make a big deal out of nothing a lot of the time.  people just live and accept things the way they are.   right now, i just cant do that.  i feel like a little kid with a million questions that no one wants to answer and i'm searching fruitlessly, naively, and afraid of misunderstanding.

today i was driving around running errands and i had some pain in my side.  its the same pain i've had off and on since my endometriosis presented itself in a real, physical way a little over a year ago.

at the same time i was having the pain today, i was thinking of a person who used to be my best friend.  i've known her since i was 4.  we grew up down the road from each other, hung out in high school, were college roommates, and even married brothers.  then, she chose to end our friendship when a divorce separated me and my husband.

(for now, i'm holding back the whole story...however, please do not let my brief and detailless depiction of her departure from my life persuade you to feel ill thoughts about her.) 

at having those thoughts, suddenly i felt this heavy cloak of grief over me, and the pain in my side pulsated.  i felt my heart racing and i felt nauseous.  i kept thinking of how i miss her, and how i miss so many of the people that used to be a part of my life, but that i had to leave behind.

then something in my head clicked--remember when i told you about my appointment at the holistic wellness center a few weeks back?  one of the emotions that was attached to my particular imbalances was grief and/or loss.  i didnt mention it in that post because at the time i didnt think it applied to me.

but today, it became very clear to me how real the connection is between emotions and our physiology...i mean, very very real...

only at that moment did i realize what grief and loss i have stuffed so far down...far far away from my heart, trying to pretend that it would just dissolve over time or that it didnt even exist at all.

instead it has grown heavier, and i can literally feel it.  right now. 

before you begin to think that i am unhappy with my life--please know that's not true.  i'm blessed beyond belief, and i know everything i've gone through in my life was supposed to happen for me to experience the true joy and happiness i have today.  much of it doesnt seem fair sometimes, but underneath this nagging grief and loss is the most grateful heart. 

but i also need to let go of the past.  i have clung so tightly to the hope that maybe i'll get my best friend back.  that one day she'll call unexpectedly and we'll cry and cry and then laugh and share old times.  and somehow we'll be a part of each others' lives again.  and i could see her two daughters and love them and hug and kiss them and listen to them giggle and play.

but God is telling me, right now--as i type this--that it's time to move on.

no, God, please no...

that sometimes people are in our lives for a season, and when it is over we cannot disrupt His will...and when we do, we experience pain, loss and grief because of our lack of understanding. 

i hear you God; i am trying to obey.  but its so hard God, its so hard!!  why do i feel so lonely?  how come it has to hurt this badly?  and why would she be a part of my life for SO LONG for nothing?  i hope one day you can help me see your purpose.

i know i have been fighting giving it over to you for a very long time.  and it is clear to me right at this very moment that i never really believed you forgave me for my mistakes and i have clutched onto the hope that if we reconciled that you'd really forgive me.  i have been so lost.

please God, wipe away my tears and soothe this hole in my heart.  i am so tired of crying and hurting. 

 

letting her go is like hearing her say goodbye again. 

 

whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say

it is well, it is well with my soul.

amen. 

 

scatterbrainededness

yo!

happy almost friday!! WOOT.

so wow, we're 15 days into NaBloPoMo.  i am ON FIRE. LOL!  it really hasnt been too hard for me to come up with junk to yack about.  altho i do have to admit the last few days have been a little harder, cause i've had a lot of stuff on my mind and i couldnt make up my mind what to blog about!  OHhhh the agonies of life!! ;)

like right now, im sitting here playing with my retro-plastic-rainbow slinky. *slink-clunk. slink-clunk*  listening to Orleans groovin on satellite radio.  doot doot doot, dance with meeee.  and watching my perpetually hungry cat, cadet, eye me, waiting for me to get up so he can run meeeeoorrrwwwing to the kitchen even tho he just ate. 

distractions, distractions!  

OKAY. well i'll settle on something that kinda got me ta thinkin today.  i know, you're saying "OH YAY. here she goes again, another rambling novel!"  of course you know that's always possible ;)  don't act so shocked! LOL!

today i was reading over at Beenzzz's.  her post today made me rethink (for oh...prolly the 100th time at least!) my obsession with food, nutrition, losing weight, and health.   

i am frustrated.  plateaued.  inconsistent.  not to mention too often emotional and ticked at myself. 

i have been trying SO HARD in the last year to lose 10% of my body weight.  i started at 220 last christmas, and have gotten as low as 201.  my goal was 198.  GOSHDANGIT how come i just CANT seem to get under that freakin 200 mark!!??!?!  i was doin so awesome for a while, and then all summer i fluctuated between 201 and 206ish.  what in the heck!?!?

im starting to wear down now.  let me reiterate that i am not obsessing about "being skinny."  i am 5'3", and weighing over 200lb is NOT healthy.  i have ankle issues, sometimes achy knees, i get tired of getting winded or having my gut rolls in the way or using my boobs as a shelf for my dinner plate.  SORRY for the visuals, but this is life as a BIG GIRL.  its hard some days, harder than you know. 

i NEED to lose weight because i have endometriosis.  there's more than one good reason to get rid of some of that extra fat im carrying around.  less fat = less estrogen = less endometriosis = less pain.  simple as that! (well not really, but i'll spare you the details for now.) 

im beginning to wonder if i need to switch my focus.  Beenzzz's post reminded me about how so stinkin confusing it is these days to choose a path to health and wellness. there are SO many opinions, plans and diets out there.  one minute something is good for ya, and the next it contributes to ill health.  and of course all these sources are professional and proven.  yeah, right.  can deprivation and self-denial really contribute to holistic health?  I DONT KNOW!

are they just trying to make money or are they truly healthy and legit?

is something that's right for one person right for me, too?

is it wrong to just want to go with my gut feeling? 

HOW MANY FREAKIN OPINIONS and PLANS and BOOKS and DIETS and OPTIONS do i need to find THE REAL ANSWERS??

guh, i could go on and on.  i realize i have a problem...it's my nature to keep searching and searching and reading and educating myself and reasoning and weighing this opinion against this one...and ultimately, i will never find the REAL ANSWER cause there is no real answer!  and so the cycle goes...

(LOL. man i am SO rambling.)

(((SIGH))) (turns off the radio.)

okay anyhoo.  when it all comes down to it, i honestly believe that what we eat determines how healthy we are holistically.  yes, cause when we eat well, we feel happy mentally too.  then usually we dont feel like sitting on our tuchases all day long and zoning out in front of the tv or puter.  then we usually spend more time with the people we love more often, so we're happier in our relationships...see where i'm going with this?

of course that's obviously not the ONLY path to being healthy.  there's other things to factor in as well, like spirituality and addressing special health issues (like pain in my case, so i can feel physically able to do the things i need to do). 

why do i want so badly to be more healthy?  because i still want to try and have children, without using artificial means.  because i want to have a great quality life and do a lot of things i have planned for myself.  because i dont want to die like i've seen many of my family members suffer and die.  because i want to make all of my husband's dreams come true.  because i am so TICKED at the world for screwing up our food, our land, our air, and every thing else...

...and i know i am still wearing that long, red cape when it comes to these issues...and that hopeful, positive, i-want-it-oh-so-badly, innocent kid part of me thinks that i can somehow figure out a way to beat it all.

AAARRRGHHHHHH!!!  i think i need help.  professional help! LOL!!! ;)  is this your area of expertise, i dont know? LOLOL!

...so what's my point here?

i dont know. (no, not the girl, but really, i dont know. hehe!!)  LOL.  hey, this is just scatterbraindedness.  but its stuff i think about a lot, and its all so interconnected that sometimes i just have a hard time separating it all out into logical conversations.     

im gonna go make some kombucha.

~jos~   

 

retiring the long, red cape...

november 8th, 2007.

dear diary,

well, my delusional thoughts of being able to save the world came to an end today.

okay, well not that i thought i could *REALLY* save the WHOLE world.  just a few people in it. maybe.

i love A, and she is struggling.  A is missing things in her life that she always thought would be…but have never been.  things she may have dreamed of pursuing, and just well, plain doin whatever she wants at her own will…being the life of the party, lifted up on a pedestal by a lover, a friend.  maybe even breaking out of the mold of a small town. 

she had to take on a lot of responsiblity much earlier than she was ready for, and therefore the path of her life’s circumstances have changed.  she feels as tho she’s missed out.

i dont think she’d turn back the clock now if she could, though.  she has intelligent, sweet children.  a loving, providing husband.  well at least that’s what i think.  but i’m on the outside.  i’m wondering—does she see any good in them anymore?

A has alienated her family.  she doesnt realize the implications, because in her “world” she gets all the attention she “needs.”   

and her family is wondering how their love, attention, and devotion could ever come in 3rd, 4th, 5th…or lost somewhere at the back of the pack…but no matter what, they still want to be there for her.

NO MATTER WHAT.

i want to tell A how it is.  i want to lay it all out and scold her and tell her every time she chooses her “world” as her priority, she is sending messages to some people that they don’t matter.  important people.  “little” people…and “big” people.  i dont think she sees that, because her words say she cares.  her words say she’s “fine.” 

we all know that actions speak louder than words.

she needs a creative outlet, and that’s wonderful.  she’s talented.  amazingly!  but where does the line get drawn?  where should the priorities lie?  i think she knows.  but she’s lonely for herself.  she’s trying to find it where it’s not.  well, at least not the biggest and best part of it… 

because of her choices, trust and feelings have been damaged.  why does she need to cloak herself with this?  do those who love her not give her what she needs?  unfortunately its a vicious circle, because she has built a wall around her heart.  no one can get in.  at least not those who love her the most. 

she wont let me in, and i dont know why.  i’ve known her for 28 years.  i’m more like her than she will EVER know.

i want to ask her why she doesnt take care of herself and step up to the plate and be strong for the people who need her.  i want to smack her and yell at her and tell her she’s ruining her life, wasting it away, and to stop being a martyr for no one…

…and yet i want to just scoop A up in my arms and tell her its okay.  love her and comfort her and even give her chicken soup for her soul.  and tell her its okay to be sad that life hasnt panned out the way she think she deserves.  that its okay to feel a little twinge of bitterness sometimes.  we’re human.

i want to show her that things can get better.  there’s more than one way.  i want her to love herself.  breathe the fresh air and make her family laugh (cause she’s good at it!).  eat nutritious food and share it with her family.  move her body—celebrate being able to.  i can only hope she truly wants these things for herself. 

even one little spark somewhere deep down inside her is all it takes.  geez, where are my matches…

i want to encourage her to search her soul.  to think about what she has, and how lucky she is, even if some of the people in her life are plenty less than perfect.  because some of those people want to change, and be better for her.  and they are trying—but she keeps beating them down.  especially one of them.  they just need her help, love and to let them know they are loved by her.  her actions need to be deliberate.

she needs to make a choice.

when she’s ready.

and im so afraid when she’s ready it will be too late.  

to find true joy in all circumstances, we have to be thankful.  i have learned this personally, and its the hardest thing to do.   SO hard, because joy is not a feeling, its a state of mind.  its always there in the background. NO MATTER WHAT.

we have to remember that even though “ME” is important, giving of ourselves to those who love and care about us make life worthwhile in the long run, and can even make up for those dreams of ours that havent—and may never—come true. 

A has a lot of people that count on her.  i dont think she realizes how important she is in others’ lives, and since she’s been “gone” several people are feeling the loss.  a lot of relationships have been damaged for one reason or another because of her absence.

but her being “gone” is just easier than facing the truth and getting to the heart of her unhappiness.  even if it means losing those closest to her?? 

but she has to decide for herself that things need to change.  no one can do it for her. [insert super-hero syndrome here.] (i want to fix it!!!  SO BAD.  i know, i know. i cant.) 

God, where are you in this?   when she hits rock bottom, will you soften the fall?   

even if she needs to hit hard, i cant help but want to protect her, even if that’s just the way it has to be. 

my delusional thoughts

of being able to save the world

came to an end today.

i grew up a little bit,

and it hurt.
 

what's your type?

tall, dark and handsome?

 

cute, bubbly and chatty?

 

whoooaaaa wait a minute here!  im not talkin about your type of date...*teehee* 

i'm talkin about your blood type ;)

i know, i know, how mean was that??  super CHEESEY, guh!!  well dangit, i had to get your attention somehow!  LOL!!!  you know all i do is yap about food and health, so how could you possibly believe i was going to yap about something as exciting as your date type?? hehe!!

i'm reading Eat Right For Your Type by Dr. Peter J. D'Adamo.  both naturopaths i've seen this year follow this theory of diet personalization.  back in april when i saw my first naturopath, i checked the book out from the library and turned to the type A section, read it, and promptly dropped it in the return bin saying, "I DON'T THINK SO!" 

i read that A types are best suited as vegetarians!?!?! :-O  hello, i was raised in small town Indiana--meat and potatoes, please!  TOFURKEY??  BLECH!

so there i was, thinkin i'd never have to go there and read that again. hehe.  this time around, i'm a little more desperate to find what foods really do work best for me.  since i have endometriosis to throw in and change it all up, it's been that much harder to decide what i should follow.

to educate myself on what sort of diet i should adopt for the best healing, this year i've also read:

• Endometriosis: A Key To Healing Through Nutrition
• The World's Healthiest Foods, Essential Guide for the Healthiest Way of Eating
• Wild Fermentation:  The Flavor, Nutrition, and Craft of Live-Culture Foods
• Eat Fat, Lose Fat:  The Healthy Alternative to Trans Fats
• Nourishing Traditions: The Cookbook That Challenges Politically Correct Nutrition and the Diet Dictocrats

in some ways, all of these books have something in common.  in other ways, the last two (maybe even three) books are much different than the rest.  this is where im having some brain clutter.  the biggest difference is that the blood typing diet steers type A away from saturated fats.  the last two books (written by Sally Fallon) say that high quality saturated fats are what we are lacking and that vegetariansim is unhealthy!  im torn!

i know what you're thinkin--just keep trying until you find what works for you!  well, i've been doing that for like, oh, 5 years now. LOL.  obviously i havent found it yet!

hubby and i were chatting about the "eat right for your type" diet during breakfast this morning.  i was getting discouraged because for type A, there's some things i should try to avoid eating AT ALL.  foods that're staples in my daily grub--like butter, tomatoes or any tomato product, black pepper, oranges, bananas, anything coconut, peppers, potatoes, wheat, and any meat except chicken or turkey.   

there's good reason to avoid these foods, explained in logical scientific detail in the book.  and it does makes sense--i will even admit to being a bit sensitive to many of those foods!  but they TASTE good...so duh, i wanna eat em!! :P

anyhoo, i told hubby that this time i just have to buckle down and follow this dietary change.  too many times in the past i just throw in the towel if i cant believe in a nutritional plan 100%.  but who can??  well, at least i can't!!  i'm just notta one-size-fits-all kinda gal when it comes to my food!!

so, in order to find some continuity in my health and healing of endo, im gonna try to stick with this.  BUT, im not going to jump in head first, either.  the book itself even recommends NOT doing that.  i think that's smart!

since right now my supplement program is focusing on detoxing me--that's including removing all the crap that's built up in my liver, gall bladder, and digestive system to start with--it's important that i eat foods that wont upset that delicate procedure. hehe. 

now mind you, my detox is not one of those, "scuse me, i gotta use the lil girls' room!" kinda detoxes. LOL.  its a slow process, gradually integrating nutrients (via supplement) that my body needs to rid itself of heavy metals, gunk and more gunk, in addition to giving my body lots of chances to be able to utilize nutrients that support my endocrine system.  cause right now, my endocrine system is saying NO WAY to uptaking any sort of nutrient it needs.  i am so TOXIC that my body rejects some of what it needs.  man, that really sucks!

i feel that Eat Right For Your Type is closely related to Endometriosis: A Key To Healing Through Nutrition, so that makes me feel a little better.  when i read the latter, i felt like i had found all my answers.  that book is a MUST READ for anyone with endo...it not only educates you, but comforts you as well.

but i also want to follow what my naturopath suggests for now, so when i go back in a few months for a re-balancing they can get a good picture of my progress.  so, im hoping as i reread the former i can somehow integrate it into the latter and satisfy that need of not following just one single program ;) LOL!  am i pathetic or what! HAHA!

yikes, okay this post has been a lot of randomized rambling!  i'm sorry if you're lost and confused! LOL!  i suppose i am just trying to reason with myself and tell myself that IT'S OKAY to question these things, and that it's not going to kill me (hopefully. LOL.) to follow a plan for a while and see how i feel. 

before i know it, it will be a year since my diagnosis, and it has been my goal to see a marked change in my health by then.  so ive gotta get my bum in gear!!

thanks for attempting to follow along my very disorganized train of thought tonite!!  teehee :)

ttys!

~josey~    

dissatisfied with the satisfied

happy weekend :)

how ya’ll doin?  im sittin here listening to tons of sappy music…crystal gayle, air supply, the carpenters, barry manilow…hehe :D  no, im not lovesick or anything like that *giggle*  i just love easy listenin stuff.  it just mellows me out, especially when im feeling a tad bit high-strung over health issues and all that junk.  plus hubby likes it, and i like to see him enjoying the music too :) (what wife doesnt LOVE seeing her hubby mouthing the words to barry??? LOL!) 

so meanwhile, i’ve been workin on adding more blog archives…whew, its a long process adding them manually!  i never really tagged my old posts, so im reading thru them, tagging them, and adding new categories as i go along.  funstuff! 

im also attempting to break up my page-long-long-winded paragraphs ;)  obviously it doesnt shorten your reading time, but hopefully it helps make things look not-so-daunting!  hehe ;)  now i just hope someone actually reads them! LOL!  i assume the category tagging helps people find what they’re interested in.  :D

soooo after my goofy post last night, in addition to re-reading so much of my archives, it got me to thinkin why i honestly have this blog.  i know i’ve somewhat discussed it recently, but i was decently overwhelmed and my typical over-analytic self ;)  *teehee* 

i thought it might be a good idea to let anyone who’s new to my blog in on some of the main issues i’m dealing with, so you know where im comin from during my ramblings!

earlier this year via diagnostic laparoscopy, i found out i have endometriosis.  most women have at least heard of it, and many men haven’t, since it’s 99.9% a woman’s disease (yes, strangely enough, endometriosis has been found in a few men!).  for several months before my diagnosis and since, ive experienced tremendous amounts of physical pain, along with my fair share of mental anguish. 

i’ve always been pegged as the bubbly, happy, positive funny girl…but since the endometriosis has presented itself in a more dramatic fashion, namely through completely whacked-out hormones and a lot of frustrating pain (to only name a few…), i’ve been miss-super-sensitive-i-cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat, woken up in the middle of the night with panic attacks, and have generally questioned my mental state and happiness. 

i’ve also been spotted spacing out, completely procrastinating (which is NOT my virgo nature), asking God why i am even here if i cant have kids, and repeatedly soaking the chest of my hubby’s tshirts with oodles of tears after i’ve consumed massive amounts of chocolate and ice cream.

i know, many of you might say, well isnt that the typical life of a woman?  maybe somewhat ;)  but having endometriosis has caused me to become passionate about HEALING IT.  the mood swings, the pain, the constant wondering about my identity and purpose in a way that’s extremely dramatic isn’t normal or healthy. 

from what ive heard and read, women who take the conventional western medicine route feel even worse, gain weight, and mainly feel like they are going insane. literally!  the treatment usually involves 3-6 months of Lupron injections, which mimics menopause by dramatically lowering estrogen (this slows down endometrial growth).  several weeks after the injections stop, they feel better for a few to many months until its time to start the Lupron again because the endo begins growing again.

there’s a lot more to it, and i have a whole section of my blogsite set aside (still in the works!) to explain all of this from my point of view.  :)

now i donno about you, but this “treatment” doesnt sound too pleasant to me.  im about HEALING, not band-aiding the illness.  so without getting too technical, i’ll just say that i have chosen to forgo any conventional treatments and find out why i even have endometriosis in the first place and treat those health issues instead. 

its a highly debated topic—the cause of endometriosis—but more and more theories are coming to light with good, solid research to support them.  personally, i feel its layers and layers of other health issues that compound and feed off each other…and those are all related to our industrialized world.

pesticides. xenoestrogens. pollution. preservatives. additives. synthetics. trans fats. eating processed foods. overloaded stressful lives. general lack of self-care. absence of spirituality.  to me, it just makes sense that not just endometriosis, but nearly all our modern-day diseases—physical AND mental—stem from some, all, or a combination of these things, and obviously tons of other things not listed.  how could this not be true?

its really stressful to even delve into the sadness of what our marvelously technological society is doing to reduce our life span.  we are so intelligent, so resourceful—which in turn enables us to artificially prolong our miserable, diseased lives with prescriptions and other means. 

if we are really so intuitive, why dont we do more to get to the real causes of disease?  why is it considered weird or witch doctory or hippy or unconventional to want to do this in a natural way? 

are greed and impatience truly our nature in healthcare?  how can we be satisfied with this and not act on it??

whew okay, i better stop before i end up with another hour-long post. *hehe* ;)

but anyhoo, this is where i am in my life.  these are the issues im questioning because of my health, my goals, my beliefs and my needs.

i chronicle these days in hopes of finding others who have similar views, in hopes of encouraging, inspiring, provoking thought…and lastly, as an outlet for my victories and dark times as i struggle and smile through this soul-growing period of my life.

~jos~