okay, so i’ve got this crazy habit of crying while i’m doing mundane chores. (or in extreme cases, crying over chocolate cake.) no, not because i dont wanna do them…okay well maybe sometimes. ;) teehee.
it always seems like it’s at these times when i STOP overanalyzing things and suddenly the light bulb flashes on and lessons i need to learn become very apparent to me.
tonite one of my closest friends called to chat. it’s our normal thing—we talk just about every day either via email, phone or in person. she’s one of those friends who keeps my feet on the ground, who pulls me out of the hot air balloon when i start floating away with my thoughts (typical me!).
i was expressing to her how i’m getting frustrated (once again) with my weight loss (errr, lack thereof) and unsuccessful get-healthy endeavors. how i’m getting exhausted being obsessed with devising plan after plan to boost my health and finally reach some weight loss goals. cause like, it’s pretty much all i think and talk about. how i’m so tired of never following a plan through from start to finish.
and how i’m wondering if it’s LESS healthy for me to constantly be focused on these things instead of just living my life, being grateful and happy…
she started brainstorming with me, trying to iron out my crazy deductions on why i have these stumbling blocks and maybe how i can navigate my way through or around them.
then she said to me, “josey, i just cant imagine you being any other way. i can only see you just how you are—your beautiful amazing self. [insert a few other really nice compliments here that i cant remember!] do you ever see yourself as beautiful?”
*blinx*
“well yes,” i said, “i certainly don’t think i’m ugly! i mean, we all have days where we feel fat and bleh, but in general i dont think it’s a self-esteem issue. it’s more like the extra weight is limiting me in enjoying my life physically—i dont have the stamina to do the outdoor things id like to do, my ankles/feet/knees bother me, etc…”
then i started in on how i feel so compelled to look more like i used to, like…i feel that how i look now isn’t the real me. i pointed out to my friend that she’s only known me for a few years, and has only known me as my current chubbly self. in fact, i’m pretty sure she’s never even seen pictures of the “real me.”
we yap-trapped on for several more minutes and even though no profound solution was discovered, i felt so much better for the chat and the grounding she always naturally provides!
soooo after we hung up, i went about my business, cleaning the kitchen as usual around this time of the evening. i was washing my daily-used-and-abused cast-iron skillet that always seems to end up sitting on the stove all day with bacon grease in it. hehe. it just wasnt coming clean—it kinda smelled rusty! grrrrr…darnit. it happens.
then i noticed hot tears streaming down my cheeks. HUHHRRHH?? i scrubbed that goofy cast-iron pan harder and the smell irritated me—it was rancid from the grease, too. why couldnt it be nice and seasoned and easy to care for like it was a few months ago?
then i stopped and asked myself, “why in the heck are you crying??” and it hit me like a load of flamin-hot cheetos. what my friend said about not imagining me any other way…!!!???!!! it broke me. it really did. i tasted the salty tears and felt the hugemongous lump in my throat.
i instantly made a connection to an aha! moment i had a few months ago during a 10-day “spring cleaning” cleanse i did. on day 8, i was superdooper inside my head and wrote a post in my health journal called me, myself and i.
in that post i mentioned a visualization meditation i love doing called “Fulfill Your Own Potential.” it’s basically about finding your authentic self and believing that’s who you are—RIGHT NOW. you drop all judgments of yourself. you love yourself RIGHT NOW for who you want to be, because really, if you believe it, you are. that’s how the world/life/karma/intentions work…what we truly think deep in our hearts and minds is what is and what will become.
anyhoo, i feel i’m randomly rambling here, counting on you to connect all my thoughts…;)
so i get it now. all these years i’ve been trying to “undo” the way i’ve become…and why? only because i think i’m not my real self being overweight. with the emotional baggage. with the maturity and wisdom i’ve gained from learning from my mistakes. from the few gray hairs and lines around my eyes. how can i not say this is the real me?
i cried because i realize i’m like my trusty cast-iron skillet! (dontcha just love my cheesey metaphors?? ;) hehe.) i’m just getting more seasoned. more non-stick. sure, i might have a few rust spots when i neglect taking care of myself sometimes, but they can be rubbed out and oiled up :) i dont have to reach my weight loss goals to be useful and beautiful. those who need me in their lives will appreciate me for all my flaws and all my gifts just the same.
i dont feel i’ve done a great job writing down how i’m really feeling. but dangit, i feel like i’ve been building toward this turning point for a long time! life just HAS to be more than trying to fix ourselves. i keep longing to find where i belong, what my purpose is. i think most people do. i feel so fortunate to have had this revelation, and to have my good friend gently bring it to the surface for me. i am so grateful!!
i dont know what all this means yet…but maybe i’ll ditch trying to lose weight for a while (forever?). just go with the flow. i want to be happy with the way i am and let my inner sunshine burst out again! i miss life. i miss listening to others.
i have missed out while trying to find ME…and i’ve been here all along!
more soon…
~jos~
