crying over dirty dishes

okay, so i’ve got this crazy habit of crying while i’m doing mundane chores.  (or in extreme cases, crying over chocolate cake.)  no, not because i dont wanna do them…okay well maybe sometimes. ;)  teehee. 

it always seems like it’s at these times when i STOP overanalyzing things and suddenly the light bulb flashes on and lessons i need to learn become very apparent to me.

tonite one of my closest friends called to chat.  it’s our normal thing—we talk just about every day either via email, phone or in person.  she’s one of those friends who keeps my feet on the ground, who pulls me out of the hot air balloon when i start floating away with my thoughts (typical me!).

i was expressing to her how i’m getting frustrated (once again) with my weight loss (errr, lack thereof) and unsuccessful get-healthy endeavors.  how i’m getting exhausted being obsessed with devising plan after plan to boost my health and finally reach some weight loss goals.  cause like, it’s pretty much all i think and talk about.  how i’m so tired of never following a plan through from start to finish. 

and how i’m wondering if it’s LESS healthy for me to constantly be focused on these things instead of just living my life, being grateful and happy…

she started brainstorming with me, trying to iron out my crazy deductions on why i have these stumbling blocks and maybe how i can navigate my way through or around them.

then she said to me, “josey, i just cant imagine you being any other way.  i can only see you just how you are—your beautiful amazing self. [insert a few other really nice compliments here that i cant remember!]  do you ever see yourself as beautiful?”

*blinx*

“well yes,” i said, “i certainly don’t think i’m ugly!  i mean, we all have days where we feel fat and bleh, but in general i dont think it’s a self-esteem issue.  it’s more like the extra weight is limiting me in enjoying my life physically—i dont have the stamina to do the outdoor things id like to do, my ankles/feet/knees bother me, etc…”

then i started in on how i feel so compelled to look more like i used to, like…i feel that how i look now isn’t the real me.  i pointed out to my friend that she’s only known me for a few years, and has only known me as my current chubbly self. in fact, i’m pretty sure she’s never even seen pictures of the “real me.”

we yap-trapped on for several more minutes and even though no profound solution was discovered, i felt so much better for the chat and the grounding she always naturally provides!

soooo after we hung up, i went about my business, cleaning the kitchen as usual around this time of the evening.  i was washing my daily-used-and-abused cast-iron skillet that always seems to end up sitting on the stove all day with bacon grease in it.  hehe.  it just wasnt coming clean—it kinda smelled rusty!  grrrrr…darnit.  it happens. 

then i noticed hot tears streaming down my cheeks.  HUHHRRHH??  i scrubbed that goofy cast-iron pan harder and the smell irritated me—it was rancid from the grease, too.  why couldnt it be nice and seasoned and easy to care for like it was a few months ago?       

then i stopped and asked myself, “why in the heck are you crying??”  and it hit me like a load of flamin-hot cheetos.  what my friend said about not imagining me any other way…!!!???!!!  it broke me.  it really did.  i tasted the salty tears and felt the hugemongous lump in my throat. 

i instantly made a connection to an aha! moment i had a few months ago during a 10-day “spring cleaning” cleanse i did.  on day 8, i was superdooper inside my head and wrote a post in my health journal called me, myself and i. 

in that post i mentioned a visualization meditation i love doing called “Fulfill Your Own Potential.”  it’s basically about finding your authentic self and believing that’s who you are—RIGHT NOW.  you drop all judgments of yourself.  you love yourself RIGHT NOW for who you want to be, because really, if you believe it, you are.  that’s how the world/life/karma/intentions work…what we truly think deep in our hearts and minds is what is and what will become.

anyhoo, i feel i’m randomly rambling here, counting on you to connect all my thoughts…;)

so i get it now.  all these years i’ve been trying to “undo” the way i’ve become…and why?  only because i think i’m not my real self being overweight.  with the emotional baggage.  with the maturity and wisdom i’ve gained from learning from my mistakes.  from the few gray hairs and lines around my eyes.  how can i not say this is the real me?

i cried because i realize i’m like my trusty cast-iron skillet! (dontcha just love my cheesey metaphors?? ;) hehe.)  i’m just getting more seasoned.  more non-stick.  sure, i might have a few rust spots when i neglect taking care of myself sometimes, but they can be rubbed out and oiled up :)   i dont have to reach my weight loss goals to be useful and beautiful.  those who need me in their lives will appreciate me for all my flaws and all my gifts just the same. 

i dont feel i’ve done a great job writing down how i’m really feeling.  but dangit, i feel like i’ve been building toward this turning point for a long time!  life just HAS to be more than trying to fix ourselves.  i keep longing to find where i belong, what my purpose is.  i think most people do.  i feel so fortunate to have had this revelation, and to have my good friend gently bring it to the surface for me.  i am so grateful!!  

i dont know what all this means yet…but maybe i’ll ditch trying to lose weight for a while (forever?).  just go with the flow.   i want to be happy with the way i am and let my inner sunshine burst out again!   i miss life.  i miss listening to others.   

i have missed out while trying to find ME…and i’ve been here all along! 

more soon…

~jos~

spreeeeeeeng!!!

oh yes, the poor Wisconsin girl is FINALLY getting some SUNSHINE on my vitamin-D deprived body!! LOL!!

 

change is good :)

well hello friends!!

(fyi…sillygolucky werewolf got the silver bullet earlier this month. LOL.  so don’t worry, no whining this post!!)

why is change good, you ask?  well!  because for me, i like that feeling of newness…the flow of life and the bubbling and brewing of fresh plans and ideas and goals.  and personal change doesnt have to be an immediate 180.  it can be a few degrees at a time, slowly tweaking our lives in whatever ways we need so that one day we look back and say, wow, that wasnt so hard afterall :)

okay, the first big and most obvious change—i ditched the log in requirement for my blog!  ugh, i just couldnt do it any longer!  too many of my peeps just gotta have me in their reader, and of course i write so that others may read…so if they don’t read, why should i write? hehe!  also, i write about things occasionally that i do hope random folks from the web will happen upon…like nerdy food and nutrition stuff, healing my endometriosis, and holistic living.  those random visits have led me to many new and awesome resources and friends!

so, i’m done hiding.  lol.  :)  you can still log in, however, so if you leave comments all your info is intact.  having a log in will also give you access to members-only goodies that i’d like to include one of these days!  it also gives you the option of getting email notifications when something new gets posted; altho i’m not too impressed with the format in which it sends it, but that’s a detail i’ll work out later!

done with the boring schtuff now!! ;)

this year so far has been rather emotional for me.  after a few crazy health journal posts during my cleanse back in january and the last one here, i now realize i was entering the bottleneck!!  once i got past the super-intense, emotional i-must-figure-out-my-life phase of what i needed to do to figure out my life *lol*, i must say i’m feeling pretty happy :) 

it felt good to get all that crap out even tho i was out of my head and over the top!  but you know, that’s partly what blogs are, right?  a place where we somehow scrawl down those heavy places and feelings we don’t normally verbalize.  for me, it’s a good thing and part of my own process.  i’m glad to be helping others know they’re not alone in this crazy world and i love the feedback from you—it helps me learn and get thru the days!

sooo i’m thinkin if i get my creative juices flowin, i might start a new website/blog.  one of these days i’d love to make a great resource for all things traditional foods, healing endometriosis through nutrition and alternative therapies and of course a few SILLY ramblings!! lol.  i have a lot of other work-related projects on my plate right now, tho, so i’m not sure when it will happen; but the change is a’comin sometime in the sooner or later future :)

for now, i’ll just keep poppin in here on sillygolucky and also the health journal when i’m feeling the need to delve or share!

and speaking once again of changes, i’m excited to announce that this monday i’m unpackin the ol’ brain and starting in on some computer classes!  over the rest of this year i’m gonna work toward a few certificates in web design, graphics and technologies.  FUN!  i’m mostly doin it for my self-employed work projects but of course it will come in handy for fun, personal projects too :D

welp alrighty, just wanted to shout out a hello to all y’all (i’ve always wanted to say that irl. haha!).  sorry i’ve been away for a month or so—i want to try to get back in the habit of chatting on here.  it’s excellent therapy!! ;)

happy weekend!!

~jos~ 

mo-schmo. :P~

motivation-schmotivation.

being of the female persuasion sucks sometimes. 

for 3 out of every 4 weeks in a year you’re on top of the world and for the rest of the time (usually incremented into 12 sessions. uh hem.) there’s some strange werewolf-like transition (without all the fur and usually without fangs) that interferes with especially the best-laid plans.  any other thoughts, goals, emotions or excellent advice you’ve rounded up during those other weeks is totally null and void during that “other” quarter of the year.

*sigh*

usually i dont whine on my blog but i just needed to get it out today.  maybe you can join in if needed ;)

• it started last night—bad attitude about my weight, self-image and motivation. 


• went to bed at 9pm, zonked.


• woke up at 4:30 in a rotten mood.


• 7am, started this blog.


• 8am, breakfast and started working to let off some steam.


• 9:10am, my acupuncturist calls because i missed my appointment…OY!! how embarrassing!! :(:(


• 9:15am—head on my desk, bawling.


• 9:20am, friend talked me off the ledge. lol.


• present time…feeling a touch better but still gotta ways to go.

i hate it when i’m like this.  i feel so out of control!  it’s not ME! 

i used to have a lot more of these episodes when my endometriosis was at its worst.  like crying over chocolate cake and stuff.  the hormonal fluctuations were INTENSE.  pretty scary.  and guys, take my word for it, if she could NOT act and feel the way she does when the rollercoaster comes, she WOULDN’T!  it’s one of those weird phenomenon that even the most logical dude can’t explain away.  sorry.  it just has to make all involved parties suffer, and then float away in the wind like it never happened…

so anyhoo, almost a week ago i finished a 10-day cleanse that i tracked on my health journal, and i passed with flying colors! 

for 10 days not only did i cleanse my body of toxins, but my mind, too.  every morning, i had a prayer/meditation/visualization session.  i had focused intentions and generally felt happier as the cleanse progressed.  i felt positive, motivated, undaunted by the goals i’ve set for myself this year that in the past i’ve failed to reach.

if you kept up with my daily ramblings about the cleanse, you might remember me saying a few days after day 10:

i already started anticipating falling off the wagon and how i would deal with it.  and last night when i started having those cramps it made me come crumbling down, all grumpy and frustrated.  i donno why, it just did.  i guess it was only a matter of time til i fell off the top of the world.

and then today i woke up feeling zombie-ish, lazy and a little hopeless.  then i scolded myself for having so little faith in the progress i made in those 10 days.  then i comforted myself by saying it’s okay, just let it pass…ride out the frustration.  then i scolded myself again and pounded it in that the happiness i felt was REAL and sustainable.  i reminded myself how intentional i was during my quiet time, especially the visualization.  it really was starting to re-route the tracks of my derailed brain back to the main road of gratefulness and joy!

so did you notice??  i made my first mistake before i even finished the cleanse!! :-(  i used to always think that thinking ahead about how to deal with a setback was a good thing.  newp.  it just destines you to fail. 

okay, so, let’s recap.  phase 1: i doubted.  phase 2: i fell off the wagon.  phase 3 (failure): not yet reached! 

WHEW!  so there’s still time to pick up the pieces.  the bad thing is i’m split right down the middle.  the hormonal, irrational, self-destructive werewolfish side of me says nuh-uh.  (imagine your younger sibling or annoying cousin saying that, in the worst little kid way.)  i just wanna wallow today.  i want to eat cookie dough, sit on my butt and cry off and on until i cant breathe because my nose is too snotted up.

the goal-oriented, visualization guru, sillygolucky and tough-it-out-i-can-do-it part of me says this is an opportunity to help break the cycle.  the one i’ve been goin ‘round and ‘round on for nearly a decade now!  obviously i would MUCH RATHER be happy and positive, but why is this always the seemingly harder route??

so is it just as easy as i said it was the day before my cleanse?  did i really give myself a clean slate or did i just wipe the board with a dirty eraser?  what in the heck happened?  can i just be a hybrid—a sillygolucky werewolf?? LOL!!!

maybe there’s really no black and white answer.  i think ultimately, IT’S A CHOICE.   i either choose to make another chip to help break the cycle or choose to stay for another dizzying spell on the merry-go-round.

since i’m a human and i’m a woman, this won’t be the last time i’ll get this chance…but still…

i’ll let you know how it goes.

thanks for listening.

~josey~

goal #1 for 2010--a clean slate!

hey friends and fam!

if this is your first time here, welcome :)  AND, thanks for taking the time to get a password and all that fun stuff.  in the past, my blog had always been available to read for anyone surfin the net; but for now, i’ve decided to keep it open only to people i know (and who know me!) and a few select very good online buddies as well.

i’ve been blogging off and on for several years and you’ll find that i have an extensive archive if you ever get super bored ;)  haha!  you can type in random words in the search box, pick a month or even click on a subject tag word in the side bar to find ramblings that may interest you.  and btw, i DO do a lot of rambling, but sometimes i have important things to say, too.  well…at least about things that are important to me!  but hey, this is MY blog! (hrm, rambling here already…haha!)

so this year (similar to the past several years) i didnt make resolutions.  i am so over resolutions!  i have goals i want to reach that are on-going.  in the last 3 years, i’ve really hunkered down on focusing on my health since finding out i have endometriosis.  the endo has thwarted my ability to have babies, and before i get too old i am determined to overcome that—on my own with no fertility drugs or procedures.  so far, i’ve made a lot of progress.  but still…close, but no cigar…for now.

so the clean slate literally involves a 10-day cleanse i am beginning TOMORROW!  before you freak out and think i wont be eating for 10 days, read on ;)  i did one a little less than 2 years ago with excellent success.  i’ll be chatting daily about it in my health journal!  there’s also a link up top there so feel free to visit anytime. 

i want to also direct you to my original post (back in 2008) about that cleanse, entitled spring cleaning :) .  if you want to understand what in the heck i’ll be talking about for the next 10 days in my health journal, i recommend reading that post! 

i’ll also hop over there today and post a little more, as this cleanse is a little bit different than the last one.  definitely stay tuned for lots of fun health-nut ramblings!!   bwahahah!

one last thing.  the clean slate also involves ridding myself all of my expectations, previous emotional and mental blockages relating to getting healthier and my worn-out-run-down motivational issues that i’ve so miserably dragged along all these years i’ve been improving my health.  i’m trading them all in for positive, well-oiled working models!!  hehe!  yeah, it’s scary, unfamiliar territory not being too hard on myself like i always have been.  while it wasn’t beneficial, it was comfortable.  you know how it goes. 

so how did i rid myself of all of those drag-me-down things, you ask?  oh, i just decided i was going to. and i did.  end of story.  i’m tired of screwing around with negativity and over-analyzing and having to have a “process” in order to gain any healthy emotional ground.  it’s a waste of time! 

okay so maybe it didnt *poof* go away in an instant. hehe.  however, i’m not going to think about it!  i’m just going to visualize myself already at my goals, deal with emotions as they come instead of worrying or anticipating them and continue to implement a daily practice of prayer, meditation and visualization.  focusfocusfocus on the things that will bring on positive outcomes!

alrighty!  welp, i hope to see you over at my health journal over the next 10 days.  at any rate, i hope you stop in again soon :)

happy weekend!!

~josey~