mo-schmo. :P~

motivation-schmotivation.

being of the female persuasion sucks sometimes. 

for 3 out of every 4 weeks in a year you’re on top of the world and for the rest of the time (usually incremented into 12 sessions. uh hem.) there’s some strange werewolf-like transition (without all the fur and usually without fangs) that interferes with especially the best-laid plans.  any other thoughts, goals, emotions or excellent advice you’ve rounded up during those other weeks is totally null and void during that “other” quarter of the year.

*sigh*

usually i dont whine on my blog but i just needed to get it out today.  maybe you can join in if needed ;)

• it started last night—bad attitude about my weight, self-image and motivation. 


• went to bed at 9pm, zonked.


• woke up at 4:30 in a rotten mood.


• 7am, started this blog.


• 8am, breakfast and started working to let off some steam.


• 9:10am, my acupuncturist calls because i missed my appointment…OY!! how embarrassing!! :(:(


• 9:15am—head on my desk, bawling.


• 9:20am, friend talked me off the ledge. lol.


• present time…feeling a touch better but still gotta ways to go.

i hate it when i’m like this.  i feel so out of control!  it’s not ME! 

i used to have a lot more of these episodes when my endometriosis was at its worst.  like crying over chocolate cake and stuff.  the hormonal fluctuations were INTENSE.  pretty scary.  and guys, take my word for it, if she could NOT act and feel the way she does when the rollercoaster comes, she WOULDN’T!  it’s one of those weird phenomenon that even the most logical dude can’t explain away.  sorry.  it just has to make all involved parties suffer, and then float away in the wind like it never happened…

so anyhoo, almost a week ago i finished a 10-day cleanse that i tracked on my health journal, and i passed with flying colors! 

for 10 days not only did i cleanse my body of toxins, but my mind, too.  every morning, i had a prayer/meditation/visualization session.  i had focused intentions and generally felt happier as the cleanse progressed.  i felt positive, motivated, undaunted by the goals i’ve set for myself this year that in the past i’ve failed to reach.

if you kept up with my daily ramblings about the cleanse, you might remember me saying a few days after day 10:

i already started anticipating falling off the wagon and how i would deal with it.  and last night when i started having those cramps it made me come crumbling down, all grumpy and frustrated.  i donno why, it just did.  i guess it was only a matter of time til i fell off the top of the world.

and then today i woke up feeling zombie-ish, lazy and a little hopeless.  then i scolded myself for having so little faith in the progress i made in those 10 days.  then i comforted myself by saying it’s okay, just let it pass…ride out the frustration.  then i scolded myself again and pounded it in that the happiness i felt was REAL and sustainable.  i reminded myself how intentional i was during my quiet time, especially the visualization.  it really was starting to re-route the tracks of my derailed brain back to the main road of gratefulness and joy!

so did you notice??  i made my first mistake before i even finished the cleanse!! :-(  i used to always think that thinking ahead about how to deal with a setback was a good thing.  newp.  it just destines you to fail. 

okay, so, let’s recap.  phase 1: i doubted.  phase 2: i fell off the wagon.  phase 3 (failure): not yet reached! 

WHEW!  so there’s still time to pick up the pieces.  the bad thing is i’m split right down the middle.  the hormonal, irrational, self-destructive werewolfish side of me says nuh-uh.  (imagine your younger sibling or annoying cousin saying that, in the worst little kid way.)  i just wanna wallow today.  i want to eat cookie dough, sit on my butt and cry off and on until i cant breathe because my nose is too snotted up.

the goal-oriented, visualization guru, sillygolucky and tough-it-out-i-can-do-it part of me says this is an opportunity to help break the cycle.  the one i’ve been goin ‘round and ‘round on for nearly a decade now!  obviously i would MUCH RATHER be happy and positive, but why is this always the seemingly harder route??

so is it just as easy as i said it was the day before my cleanse?  did i really give myself a clean slate or did i just wipe the board with a dirty eraser?  what in the heck happened?  can i just be a hybrid—a sillygolucky werewolf?? LOL!!!

maybe there’s really no black and white answer.  i think ultimately, IT’S A CHOICE.   i either choose to make another chip to help break the cycle or choose to stay for another dizzying spell on the merry-go-round.

since i’m a human and i’m a woman, this won’t be the last time i’ll get this chance…but still…

i’ll let you know how it goes.

thanks for listening.

~josey~