do i always have to try to be better?

hey all :)



right now im peering out one of our front windows at the sun that's desperately trying to shine thru the hazy, cloudy autumn sky. you know its there; you can feel how the temperature outside is milder today than it has been for a while. but try to shine as it may, its full potential will remain hidden until those clouds blow away!!



i feel like the sun today. i want to shine so brightly for those who are close to me, but for some reason there's some strange haze that's slowin me down, makin me wanna stop trying to shine so brightly.



i feel like i'm not giving 100%, and i feel sorry for myself. but...i also feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself because deep down i feel like i should try harder and suck it up! so wow, how goofed up is that? it's this haze...i gotta figure out where it's comin from...



for a few years now, i have put so much mental energy into trying to be a better person--but i'm not sure what i have to show for it! now dont get me wrong, i dont think im a BAD person ;)



however, i'm not one to be complacent with just being "okay." what i have spent most of my time focusing on is becoming better PHYSICALLY. trying to improve my health, and the way i look along with it. it takes a long time to undo years of icky, bad habits. ive been reading gobs of self-help health books, revamping my diet over and over, trying all kinds of exercises and work out schedules, using online diet tools (some free, some not!), joining gyms, blahblahblah...!



but what has made me better? that i am now more educated in nutrition and fitness than the average joe schmoe? that i can lose and gain back 5-10lb in one month pretty darned easily? *LOL*



yikes, what am i doing with my time and energy here?



i think my problem is that even tho i have an ultimate goal, i dont live as tho i do.



i let my emotions, my doubts, and my fears obstruct my path. for me, being "better" is obviously going to benefit ME...but my true want is to be better so i can be better for others.



okay...but...what if the "others" love me like i am? then does my goal really have a purpose? wow, that's a lot to think about. it seems like an easy answer--but if i start to type one down, i think of something to contradict it.



it would be very unlikely for a person to go thru life, never without a long-term goal for SOMEthing. i mean, even if you dont purposely write it down or acknowledge it, we all are striving for something in our lives. peace, fitness, love, money, happiness...



so do i always have to try to be better? i guess the question should REALLY start with--what is BETTER? what in the heck does that mean? does it mean purposely focusing on myself, to give myself a better life...or does it mean focusing my energies outward, toward others? or both?



i guess i have a lot to think about. so far this post has just run around in circles...but hey, at least im thinking, right?



fortunately for me, unlike poor ol' mr. sun, i have the choice to control the things that make life seem hazy. maybe i just overthink. maybe i just need to chill out and live.



but if i float through life like a wandering autumn leaf tossing and turning thru the hazy clouds, what will i miss out on? hopefully someone reading this will understand what i mean. i mean, i cant be the only one feeling this way! *hehe*



i think for today i'll follow this advice (courtesy of sparkpeople's healthy reflections):

There is no lesson for today. You have permission to stop thinking for a moment and just enjoy yourself. Stop looking at your computer right now and go look at the world. Rediscover the natural wonders that you walk past every day. How can there possibly be that many shades of green? Let your mind be grateful for a break. Don't think, don't strain. Let the memories of loved ones remind you of your favorite times. Close your eyes and try to smell the sunshine. Listen to your heart beat in your ears. If it's raining, smile at the thought of the flowers that will soon follow. If you're surrounded by buildings, celebrate the creative genius of human beings. See the hope, the alarm, the love, the grief in faces that stream by. Thank whomever you'd like to thank for the chance to even be here. For a moment today, don't worry about being better. Just be.

maybe a little bit of NOT TRYING TO BE BETTER might actually make me better.



~jos~